The Conspirator

Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked

Directed by Mike Mitchell.

2011. Rated G, 87 minutes.
Cast:
Jason Lee

Justin Long
Christina Applegate
Anna Faris

Amy Poehler
David Cross
Jenny Slate
Matthew Gray Gubler
Jesse McCartney

Brothers and sisters of the congregation, I’ve learned a new word: twee. Let us turn our text to the book of Urbandictionary.com, chapter 20 verse 23. It says that twee is “something that is sweet, almost to the point of being sickeningly so. As a derogatory descriptive, it means something that is affectedly dainty or quaint, or is way too sentimental. In American English it often refers to a type of simple sweet pop music, but in British English it is used much more widely for things that are nauseatingly cute or precious. It comes from the way the word sweet sounds when said in baby talk. Twee.

Family, this is the part where I tell you that the Lord works in mysterious ways. It could only have been the Almighty God that deposited the word twee into my spirit and moved me to seek out its meaning just hours before sitting down to watch Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. Only He could’ve known that without knowledge of this itty bitty word there Would Be…Could Be…Should Be…no review today. I would have not the language to express the sights and sounds that Engulfed Me…Surrounded Me…Trapped Me as the whale did Jonah! Twee.

Brothers and sisters, I don’t think you understand. You see, there are three…yes, indeed there are Three…Count ‘em One, Two, Three boy chipmunks. There’s Alvin (Long), Simon (Gubler) and Theodore (McCartney). They are one of the biggest musical acts in the world. They call themselves…I Said they call themselves THE, as in THE one and only…as in THE most important…as in THE stars of our show…they call themselves THE Chipmunks. There are also three girl chipmunks: Brittany (Applegate), Jeanette (Faris) and Elanor (Poehler). They too, are one of the biggest musical acts in the world. They are known as The Chipettes. Now family, even big time stars need some time away from the spotlight…a chance to recharge their batteries…some R and R…to take it easy. So, what do they do? They go on a family vacation with their so-called “father”, the human being named Dave (Lee). This is NOT David who slew Goliath! No, NOT THAT David who became king of Israel! This ain’t even DOCTOR David Bruce Banner who transforms into the Incredible Hulk when angry! This is Just Dave, guardian of six singing chipmunks. Dave and his family are oh-so-sweet, sickeningly so. Twee.

Family, let us not take their vocation…oh yeah church, I’m moving on to their VO-cation and away from their VA-cation…let us not take their VO-cation lightly. That’s right, they sing. They sing with helium fueled voices so shrill they pierce the lower rungs of Heaven! These voices grate nerves like the horns of The Fallen Angel scraping the soles of The Creator’s feet! They sing. They sing songs that are WEAK…FRAIL…INNOCUOUS…WITHOUT Substance…DEFICIENT in Strength! They sing Simple Sweet pop music! It’s Nauseatingly cute! Twee.

Brothers and sisters, like Satan has a plot to enter our souls and turn us away from our Salvation, so too does Chipwrecked have a plot. The Chipmunks, The Chipettes and their so-called “father” Dave take a cruise for their family vacation. Shortly after their ship sets sail, Alvin’s mischief causes mayhem. All six of the furry little creatures find themselves holding tightly the string of a kite. The wind carries them to a Deserted Island! Dave MUST find them! His Heart is BROKEN! His “Children” are MISSING! His Paternal INSTINCTS take over! He MUST…he HAS TO…he WILL get to That Island! His MOTIVATION…DEDICATION…OBLIGATION…INCLINATION…His E-MOTION and DE-VOTION...Their Connection…Their link…Their Familial Bond…Their Unconditional LUUUUHHHVV is Disturbingly adorable…Horrifically pleasant…Repulsively perky! It is NOT funny! It is NOT exciting! It is NOT suspenseful! It LACKS tension! It LACKS imagination! It is Syrupy Sweet, Sickeningly So! It is filled with Simple…Sweet…Delicate…Forceless…Languid…Limp…Powerless pop music! It is AFFECTEDLY DAINTY, QUAINT and way too SENTIMENTAL! It is NAUSEATINGLY CUTE and PRECIOUS! Brothers and Sisters, Chipwrecked Is Wrecked! It is EXCEPTIONALLY UNEXCEPTIONAL! It is BROMIDICALLY BLAND…DEVILISHLY DULL…MERCILESSLY MILD…PARTICULARLY PLAIN…TRAGICALLY TRITE! WithOUT question, the good Lord has placed in MY VERY HEART the perfect word to describe the ATROCITY to which I bore witness: Twee.

Can I get an “Amen”?

Going the Distance

Directed by Nanette Burstein.
2010. Rated R, 102 minutes.
Cast:
Drew Barrymore
Justin Long
Christina Applegate
Charlie Day
Jason Sudeikis
Rob Riggle
Oliver Jackson-Cohen
Ron Livingston
Jim Gaffigan

Boy meets girl a few hours after breaking up with some other girl. The boy is Garrett (Long). He works at a record company and is tasked with managing a band he hates. The girl is Erin (Barrymore), an intern at a newspaper with hopes of becoming a full-fledged reporter. However, with that industry steadily going the way of the dinosaur this seems unlikely. They meet in New York. Her internship is only six weeks long, after which she’ll head home to California. She tells Garrett this pretty much up front, warning him not to get too attached. As you might expect, thes crazy kids can’t help but fall in love over that span. The two decide to carry on a long-distance relationship after she moves back to the west coast, hence the title.

It’s pretty much the same old, same old. The ups and downs of their relationship play out as lots of other movie relationships have. It’s complete with surprise trips across the country, spontaneous sex and trust issues. It’s also funny in spots. To me, most of these spots involve Erin’s sister Corinne (Applegate) and her husband Phil (Gaffigan). They get the best lines and Applegate’s high-strung, control freak/germophobe act is great.

Most of the other funny parts come from Dan (Day) and Box (Sudeikis), Garrett’s misfit buddies. They are both an asset and a detriment to the movie. They’re an asset because occasionally they are hilariously funny. They’re a detriment because of what they aren’t, yet try so very hard to be. They’re basically an imitation of the slacker buddies that populate the Judd Apatow clan movies. Think Knocked Up or The 40 Year Old Virgin. Try as they might, these guys don’t quite measure up. This, combined with the occasionally raunchy dialogue of all the characters makes the whole thing feel like a copycat production.

Like many of the movies GtD tries to duplicate, the chemistry of the two leads is questionable. In this case, the problem is they exist as much to put themselves in awkward situations in front of others as they do to fall in love. Their relationship is a string of these occurrences. Others can always hear or see what they’re doing and jokes are made of this. Since neither of them is funny, this is how they provide comedy.

GtD is a fairly typical rom-com of the rated R variety. It has more curse words and blatant sex talk than its PG-13 rated siblings, but the story is the same. There are pockets of good humor, just not enough to save it from itself.

MY SCORE: 5/10

Alpha and Omega

Directed by Anthony Bell and Ben Gluck.
2010. Rated PG, 88 minutes.
Cast:
Justin Long
Hayden Panettiere
Dennis Hopper
Danny Glover
Christina Ricci
Larry Miller
Kevin Sussman
Chris Carmack
Brian Donovan

Humphrey (Long), a young fun-loving wolf, has a thing for his friend Kate (Panettiere). The problem is its forbidden for the two of them to get together. She is an Alpha, which implies some nobility, while he is an Omega. Even though they’re both part of the Western pack, I think, the two aren’t supposed to mix. The Eastern pack are apparently a more vicious sort and have depleted the source of food in their own region. Of course, this means they’re coming around the Western pack and horning in on all the hunts. Eventually, it’s revealed that it it is Kate’s responsibility to marry Garth (Carmack) of the Eastern pack. This will unite the packs, ending all the fighting and animosity. Of course, before this can happen Kate and Humphrey are captured by humans and dragged off to Idaho. Now, they have to make it back to Jasper National Park to keep the rest of the wolves from killing each other.

I’ve given you, roughly, the first third of the movie. If you can’t figure out the rest, there’s no hope for you. This is standard kiddie-fare from jump with various excursions into being substandard. Narratively, this is a lazy rehash that offers nothing new. Well, maybe the degree of laziness is new. Too many questions go unanswered. I’m not just talking questions folks like me would ask, either. I’m talking simple stuff that my kids would ask. How just a couple of wolves are Omegas? How did they get to be Omegas? Maybe, I just missed those. Maybe, by that time I didn’t care enough to pay attention. If these things were explained, I apologize. As far as the rest of the script goes, it’s…um…meh, at best. Every now and again, something mildly amusing happens. Mostly it’s just there, taking up space I could’ve used to watch a better movie.

Visually, Alpha and Omega doesn’t daze and amaze, either. By today’s standards, the animation is barely adequate, at least in 2D. It was released in theaters as a 3D experience I’m glad to have missed. It’s look isn’t distinctive, nor does it do anything noteworthy within its confines. This is hardly what I would call dazzling to the eye. Much like the story, it mundanely goes about the task of telling us a tale we’ve already heard quite a few times.

A&O is what I call a babysitter movie. It’s one you can put on to mind the kid for an hour and a half while you tend to more important matters like watching grass grow. They’ll likely enjoy it, well enough, not love it. If you’re forced to watch by an unending barrage of pleas you may think your children hate you when it’s over. Why else would they make you suffer through this?

MY SCORE: 3.5/10

Funny People

Directed by Judd Apatow.
2009. Rated R, 153 minutes.
Cast:
Adam Sandler
Seth Rogen
Leslie Mann
Eric Bana
Jonah Hill
Jason Schwartzman
Aubrey Plaza
Aziz Ansari
RZA
Torsten Voges
Justin Long

Plot: Comedian/movie star George Simmons (Sandler) hires still wet behind the ears comic Ira (Rogen) to write material for him. He’s also just found out he’s dying. Bromance ensues.

The Good: For director Apatow, this is pretty easily his most mature and complex work. The same can be said for Seth Rogen and possibly for Sandler, as well. Despite it being about comedians, it isn’t necessarily the funniest movie for any of them. Believe it, or not, that’s a good thing. Instead of spending time being outrageous and crass simply for the sake of it, we actually get character and relationship development. As a result, we’re more interested in what happens to them. Adam Sandler gives his bravest performance, parodying himself.

The Bad: Its way too long. As usual, Apatow is sorely in need of an independent thinking editor. Two and a half hour comedies tend to drag and this is no exception. There’s no doubt in my mind, it could get to its point about 30 minutes quicker. However, if the movie could use more of anything, it is George’s relationship with his own father. It’s talked about and built up as if it’s coming to some dramatic climax, but it never does.

The Ugly: Ira (Rogen) going ballistic on Daisy (Plaza) for cheating on him. You have to see it to understand.

Recommendation: Given the track records of nearly everyone involved, this is a movie bound to disappoint many and surprise others. If you’re looking for a gross-out comedy built on a foundation of four-letter words, look elsewhere. There are plenty of cuss words but they seem organic to the conversations, not just there for effect like in Apatow’s other work. It’s an involving piece of work that a lot of people just won’t like.

The Opposite View: Betsy Sharkey, Los Angeles Times

What the Internet Says: 6.8/10 on imdb.com (9/28/10), 68% on rottentomatoes.com, 60/100 on metacritic.com


MY SCORE: 7.5/10

Youth in Revolt

Directed by Miguel Arteta.
2010. Rated R, 90 minutes.
Cast:
Michael Cera
Portia Doubleday
Jean Smart
Fred Willard
Zach Galifianakis
Ray Liotta
M. Emmet Walsh
Steve Buscemi
Justin Long

Nick Twisp (Cera) is a frustrated 16 year old virgin who’s only joy in life seems to be that his best friend has even less luck with the ladies than he does. That is, until he meets Sheeny (Doubleday), his one true love, thanks to some shady dealings by his mom’s boyfriend that causes the dysfunctional trio to go into hiding in a trailer park. Jean Smart and Zach Galifianakis play the mom and bf, respectively.

A few days later Nick learns he and his makeshift family will return to their home, thus separating him from Sheeny. Before he leaves, the lovebirds decide the only way for them to be together…well, it will apparently take a great deal of effort and involve Nick behaving very badly. The important part is this results in Nick creating Francois Dillinger, his own imaginary alter-ego (also played by Cera). When thinking of Francois, think a subdued version of Eddie Murphy’s Buddy Love from The Nutty Professor but visualize Cera with a thin mustache, wearing a tight white smoking jacket and of course, smoking.

From there, the movie shifts into another gear as Nick tries desperately to be reunited with the girl of his dreams, on multiple occasions. However, even as it does it sticks to its guns and the whole movie has a Steven Wright-esque deadpan delivery. This wouldn’t be such a bad thing if it were funnier. Actually, there are pockets where it is hilarious, but they’re few and far between. Most of the time, the jokes don’t hit the mark. And the whole alter-ego thing is a waste. We could have the exact same without him.

Nick’s relationships with his divorced parents are a blown opportunity. They could’ve had some wonderful developments or been mined even further, reaching new comic depths, or both. Sadly, they’re neither. Both his mother and father (Buscemi) are given great templates with which to start but hardly enough metal to fill the molds. It’s too bad because Smart turns in a great performance.

YIR wants to be witty and clever but it isn’t on an often enough basis. I’ve seen dozens of movies about teenage boys risking life and limb to get laid. This one fits snugly in the middle of the pack without the ability to separate itself.

The Opposite View: Rick Groen, The Globe and Mail (Toronto)

What the Internet Says: 6.8/10 on imdb.com (9/2/10), 68% on rottentomatoes.com, 63/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 6/10

Drag Me to Hell

Zack and Miri Make a Porno