Dell slaves over a hot Blu-ray player for the good of mankind.
Showing posts with label Worst Movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Worst Movies. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 19, 2022
Friday, October 12, 2018
Monday, September 10, 2018
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Monday, April 24, 2017
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Worst Movies of 2013
The other day, I rolled out the 2013 Dellies. If you checked them out, you might recall me mentioning that I've seen approximately 130 of the movies that were released during last year. Of those, let me tell you, there were a number of duds. I've managed to miss some that have been deemed terrible by everyone else, such as:
The Big Wedding, The Canyons, Getaway, A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, The Last Exorcism Part 2, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, Movie 43, Paranoia, Safe Haven, Scary Movie 5
Now, on to the crap that I did see. Most of them I've already reviewed. Click on the titles for my full two cents. Now, here's about one cent on each of
The Worst Movies of 2013
It's better than another Wayans Brothers horror spoof, the Scary Movie franchise.
Unfortunately, the breadth and scope of the damage being done is all there is. Sure, there’s the bit about who is betraying who, but it’s nothing that couldn't have been written out, in full, on the back of a napkin.
With the formula pretty much set in stone, The Heat dutifully goes down the checklist of buddy flick tropes.
Unfortunately, the positives aren't nearly as weighty as the negatives. The good things amount to a few empty thrills.
Similarly to the blandness of most of the characters, the plot unfolds in not-so-thrilling fashion.
Pretty pictures do not a movie make. In this case, it's lipstick on a pig. That might make it a great looking pig, but I still don't want to kiss it.
Since what it tries to be and what it is don’t line up it all becomes laughable. It’s also heavy-handed with an over-simplified conclusion.
The best way for me to describe what happens without spoiling it is to say "oops." It's the type of finale a movie can get away with if it passes itself off as a slice of life story, or maybe if it's a Coen Brothers flick. Here, it just makes me want to grab a wooden stake and hunt down the director.
After a funny sex scene, and the inclusion of some gangsters that never fully makes sense, we arrive at the point where we've heard all the jokes and seen all the gags this movie has to offer...Identity Thief just keeps repeating itself until it mercifully decides to end.
For me, it didn't quite come together like it did the first time. Almost all of the focus has been removed in the name of making the sequel a "bigger" movie than its predecessor.
It is ambitious, pretty to look at, but overly derivative and utterly contrived.
Unfortunately, the bad far outweighs the good. You may not agree if you delight in seeing just how strange things can get. If that's your deal then you should have already watched this.
What tears it for me is how aggressively bizarre the whole thing is. And not in a good way, either. It's an off putting kind of strange that gets worse as it goes along.
I'm guessing Channing Tatum, or Columbus Short were both busy...or got a look at the script and chose wisely. I wish I had.
To blame for this atrocity we have writer/director David E. Talbert, or Tyler Perry 2.0, as I like to call him.
The end result of all this is that the movie just drones on and on and on for its entire run time. In other words, its 107 minutes feel like they are multiplying as they slowly pass.
Fish out of water tales can be wonderful. They usually focus on one fish trying to gain his/her footing in a new environment. In this case, all of the fish are out of water and we just watch them flop around for an hour and a half.
Everything feels bland and rehashed. It's like they've just been slipped into a ready-made plot.
It’s all just a misogynistic and nihilistic fantasy that makes a dated referendum on people with tattoos.
The Big Wedding, The Canyons, Getaway, A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, The Last Exorcism Part 2, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, Movie 43, Paranoia, Safe Haven, Scary Movie 5
Now, on to the crap that I did see. Most of them I've already reviewed. Click on the titles for my full two cents. Now, here's about one cent on each of
The Worst Movies of 2013
5. Black Nativity
Put bluntly, Black Nativity is a frustrating watch. The cast isn't nearly as good as one would expect while the story vacillates between spouting cliches and flying completely off the rails.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
What About the Razzies?
With all the buzz over the Oscars this past weekend, the Razzies were once again overlooked. I mean, it's understandable. One show honors Hollywood's best and brightest while the other takes a look at the smelly stuff you stepped in.
You can check out their site by clicking here. For those of you who are lazy like me, here's a quick rundown of the nominees and "winners" (in red):
Worst Screenplay
Movie 43
After Earth (my review)
Grown Ups 2 (my review)
The Lone Ranger
A Madea Christmas
Worst Director
The 13 people who directed Movie 43
Dennis Dugan (Grown Ups 2)
Tyler Perry (A Madea Christmas and Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor)
M. Night Shyamala (After Earth)
Gore Verbinski (The Lone Ranger)
Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off, or Sequel
The Lone Ranger
Grown Ups 2
The Hangover Part III (my review)
Scary Movie 5
The Smurfs 2 (my review)
Worst Screen Combo
Jaden Smith and Will Smith (After Earth)
The entire cast of Grown Ups 2
The entire cast of Movie 43
Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen in Scary Movie 5
Tyler Perry and either Larry the Cable Guy or that worn out wig and dress in A Madea Christmas
Worst Supporting Actress
Kim Kardashian (Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor) (my review)
Salma Hayek (Grown Ups 2)
Katherine Heigl (The Big Wedding)
Lady Gaga (Machete Kills)
Lindsay Lohan (InAPPropriate Comedy and Scary Movie 5)
Worst Supporting Actor
Will Smith (After Earth)
Chris Brown (Battle of the Year)
Larry the Cable Guy (A Madea Christmas)
Taylor Lautner (Grown Ups 2)
Nick Swardson (Grown Ups 2)
Worst Actress
Tyler Perry (A Madea Christmas)
Halle Berry (The Call and Movie 43) (my review of The Call)
Selena Gomez (The Getaway)
Lindsay Lohan (The Canyons)
Naomi Watts (Diana and Movie 43)
Worst Actor
Jaden Smith (After Earth)
Johnny Depp (The Lone Ranger)
Ashton Kutcher (Jobs)
Adam Sandler (Grown Ups 2)
Sylvester Stallone (Bullet to the Head, Escape Plan, and Grudge Match)
Worst Picture
Movie 43
After Earth
Grown Ups 2
The Lone Ranger
A Madea Christmas
Okay, who else didn't realize that Lindsay Lohan appeared in three movies in 2013? That astounding fact aside, it looks like Movie 43 was the big "winner," here. Other than my lack of actual hate for Grown Ups 2 and the fact I thought Halle Berry was pretty good in The Call, I've got no qualms with these. Well, I would like to have seen some representation of Baggage Claim, A Good Day to Die Hard, and Beautiful Creatures, but maybe that's just me. Any thoughts on these?
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
2013...so far
If you frequent movie blogs and websites you have probably read about a hundred different lists in the last few weeks for best and worst movies of 2013. If you hang out around this particular blog from time to time then you realize I usually don't see most movies until months after they have been released theatrically. That means to this point I have not seen enough movies to comfortably give my opinion on what this year had to offer. I have seen a bit over 30 of 2013's films, but only a few I can say have any shot of being in my top 20 once I see the 70 or 80 more I plan on watching. Still, I want to weigh in on the matter.
Here are the best 2013 movies I've seen so far (alphabetically)...
42
Luv
Mud
Side Effects
Spring Breakers
Stoker
This is the End
Warm Bodies
...and the worst (also alphabetically)
Baggage Claim
Beautiful Creatures
A Good Day to Die Hard
The Hangover Part III
Identity Thief
Peeples
Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor
...and finally, three that are so bad they are awesome!!!
Fast & Furious 6
The Last Stand
Texas Chainsaw 3D
Oh, in case you're wondering, Mud, Spring Breakers, and Warm Bodies are the ones I think have a legit chance at my final top 20 whenever I get around to it.
A few of these I've yet to post reviews for. You click the titles of the others to get my full impressions on them.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
Worst Movies of 2012
I have a rule that I very rarely break. Once I start a movie, I'm going to finish it. No matter how bad it gets, or how late it is, even if I should fall asleep on it. Many times, I just couldn't keep my eyes open to watch a movie all the way through only to turn around and watch it in its entirety a day or two later. Even the bad ones.
Why subject myself to finishing a movie I already think is bad? It's simple, really. One of my core beliefs is what I call the law of opposites. We only understand something because we also understand it's opposite. We know what up is because we also know what down is. In movie terms, I can appreciate good movies more, because I know, or think I know, what bad movies are and vice-versa. I keep watching because there are always new levels of badness just as there are goodness. The cycle never ends.
Of course, we movie buffs like to cut those cycles into 365 day sections and grade each accordingly. I'll stick to that program. I'm just 200 and some odd days late getting the report cards out. When viewing this report card, note that the list does not strictly follow the way I scored these movies in my original reviews of them, which you can see by clicking on the titles (except for a couple of horror movies which I've yet to post reviews for). The way I feel about some movies evolves over time, some for the better, some for the worst. At the end, feel free to let me know if I've missed some horrible flick, or tell me how good some movie is that I've deemed terrible, or just share your own list. In my very humble opinion, these are...
The 12 Worst Movies of 2012
Spirit of Vengeance delivers precisely what its predecessor did: a fancy looking mess.
I’ll give some credit to the powers that be for wringing every last cent they possibly could out of this franchise…I mean not taking the easy way out and going an extra step. Disastrous it may be, but it’s a step.
10. Mirror Mirror
Even the kids in the target audience are likely to have a “been there, done that” reaction to it all.
Underworld: Awakening simply tries to hide its lazy writing with a succession of not-always-so-nicely-rendered battle scenes. That, my friends, should be punishable by two shots to the chest and one to the head with ultra-violet or silver nitrate rounds, depending on which side of the monster ledger you think we’re dealing with.
8. Battleship
I’m not sure anyone who has played the game could come up with enough of a storyline to justify a movie being made for it. Sadly, neither could the people actually involved in making it.
To their credit, the performers try valiantly to breathe life into this thing. As we all know, reanimating a corpse is impossible.
Tyler Perry is back in drag, yet again.
What to Expect is a classic case of a talented ensemble given nothing to work with and going through the motions.
4. Bachelorette
Believe it, or not, so much suckiness is thankfully crammed into an hour and a half. However, since I started checking my watch about fifteen minutes in, it feels much much longer. I didn't think the hands of time could move so slowly.
3. Piranha 3DD
Its predecessor was trash of an endlessly and enjoyably repugnant variety. It was like gorging yourself on a gigantic bag of your favorite mini candy bars. The sequel is more like eating directly out of a dumpster.
2. The Innkeepers
Our director, Ti West, also helmed the equally bad and equally overrated House of the Devil. If you see this man anywhere near a movie set, please have the nearest person call 911 then physically restrain him until the cops arrive.
1. Fun Size
Nothing unexpected happens and almost none of it is funny when it does.
Before I let you go, I have a little more business to get to about '12's rotten flicks.
First up is a special shout out to this man...
Aside from Battleship, which clocked in as my eighth worst movie of last year, Mr. Neeson also had prominent roles in three other horrible productions in 2012: The Grey, Taken 2 and Wrath of the Titans. Since he probably made lots of money doing it, I'm not mad at him.
Next, I have to spotlight a couple of movies I thought were bad, but I'm completely in love with. In other words, these two movies were...
2012's Movies So Bad They're Awesome!
Without question, this is a “turn your brain off” experience starring a group of guys who made a pretty good living making stuff go boom.
&
A sharply written plot and Oscar-worthy performances are not found here. To be honest, don’t even expect it all to make sense within its own context. However, the blood splattering action makes it a package just too cheesy to resist.
Now I'm done.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)