Kiss of the Damned

Directed by Xan Cassavetes.

2012, Rated R, 97 minutes. 

Cast: 

Josephine de La Baume 

Milo Ventimiglia 

Roxane Mesquida 

Anna Mouglalis 

Michael Rapaport 

Riley Keough 

Juan Luis Acevedo

Boy Paolo (Ventimiglia) meets girl Djuna (de La Baume) one night in a video store. 'Member those? Right then they go on an impromptu date. It goes so well she invites him back to her place. Just before they get down to the nitty gritty, she switches gears and kicks him out. Damn. Hate when that happens. Still, he's so smitten he returns to her house the next night. She won't let him in because of her "condition." Since he's a persistent bastard, she agrees to give him a big sloppy kiss and winds up biting his lip so hard that it bleeds and sends him packing again. Ouch. Unable to take a hint, he approaches her later when he spots her out and about. What the hell, dude? No means no. Well, sorta, in this case. He again sweet talks his way into her place. Realizing this guy will stop at nothing to get in her pants, she finally lets him know what her condition is. Djuna...yes, Tarantino fans, the D is silent...is a vampire. She's usually able to control herself, but she has a very dangerous "O face." Of course, Paolo doesn't believe any of this, blinded by his raging hard-on and all. To prove it, she has him literally chain her to her bed, which seems to be right up his alley, and lets him get to work. Sure enough, before he even gets little Paolo out, Djuna grows fangs.

Dear reader, I must pause right here in the middle of the recap section of the review to inject myself into the movie. After the lip biting incident I'd be done with her. Let's suppose I wasn't, though. When she brings out the chains, that's my nex cue to get away. Bondage ain't my thing. Okay, maybe she is so fine and I'm just horny enough to stay. In that case, we'd have to figure a way to restrain her head (something they didn't do whatsoever) on the off chance she really is a vampire because I'm planning on being in close proximity. Know what I'm sayin'? If while I'm getting my semi-necrophilia on, she sprouts fangs, whatever courage I had would suddenly go soft as I bolted out of door ASAP. No way in hell would I do what Paolo does. Now back to our regularly scheduled review.

Paolo acts all taken aback, poorly acts I should say, and Djuna bursts into tears. then, yes, he removes her from her shackles. Before you know it, he puts the biscuit in the basket and she gives him one hell of a hickie. The next day, he wakes up to the obvious: he's been Dracularized. They live together in undead bliss until Djuna's crazy sister Mimi (Mesquida) shows up and moves herself in. She is also a vampire. Everyone in the vampire world trying  to deal with this chick's insanity ensues.

Kiss of the Damned presents some nice ideas and takes vampire lore in an interesting direction. Vampirism is often used as a metaphor for something in the real world. In this case, it's drug addiction. In the film's universe most civilized vampires are like recovering addicts. They only drink synthetic blood when they can get it and hunt down an animal when they can't. Those that dine regularly on humans are the ones who still get high and they'll do anything to get their fix. This describes Mimi to a tee. There is much talk of sending her to rehab. However, this is a vampire flick so we're not working up to some tearful intervention. Mimi is clearly the villain. She's a fun one and gets better as things move along.

The whole movie gets better as it goes. Early on, we are distracted by some atrocious acting with only slightly better dialogue. Then, we're nearly bored by the prospect of sitting through yet another cheesy love stoy, no matter how much sex they have. And they have plenty. Then a funny thing happens. Mimi kicks her antics into high gear and the story gets fascinating. We are roped in to her sinister plotting and begin thinking about how Djuna and/or Paolo are going to stop her. Unfortunately, the movie then pricks our balloon with a sharp needle when it simply aborts itself.

Wait, what?

I'll explain.

Kiss of the Damned ends on a completely random and unsatisfying note. It could be construed as a commentary on the dangers of addiction. If so, it's too clever by half. The problem is it has nothing to do with anyone doing anything to resolve our conflict. On top of this, a human character is involved which only serves to highlight the fact we should have gotten to know her way better than we did. She briefly appears a couple times before the climactic scene. The best way for me to describe what happens without spoiling it is to say "oops." It's the type of finale a movie can get away with if it passes itself off as a slice of life story, or maybe if it's a Coen Brothers flick. Here, it just makes me want to grab a wooden stake and hunt down the director.

The Heat

Directed by Paul Feig.

2013. Rated R, 117 minutes.

Cast:

Sandra Bullock

Melissa McCarthy

Demian Bichir

Michael Rapaport

Jane Curtain

Marlon Wayans

Michael McDonald

Spoken Reasons

Jessica Chaffin

The FBI's Agent Ashburn (Bullock) is super smart, solving cases with a Sherlock Holmes like intelligence. Her work has her up for a big promotion. Unfortunately, a lack of any discernible personality is her holding her back. No one seems to like her in the least way. Her boss is worried this wouldn't translate well to a position of leadership. For a chance to prove herself, she's put to work trying to bring down a major drug trafficking ring. Against her wishes she's forced to work with local cop Detective Mullins (McCarthy) who is driven and passionate about crime fighting, but highly abrasive in case you haven't seen the trailer. What we have here is a typical wunza buddy comedy. You know, wunza straight-laced by the book colorless FBI agent and wunza manic, fly by the seat of her pants f bomb, dropping slob of a cop.

With the formula pretty much set in stone, The Heat dutifully goes down the checklist of buddy flick tropes. The bland Ashburn is the butt of most jokes and the one Mullins is constantly trying to change in order to get her to loosen up and enjoy life. Through all the initial hatred of one another and completely opposite approaches to the same task, there is, of course, a friendship being formed. McCarthy is there to give us the comedy by verbally abusing every person in her vicinity. Occasionally this does manage to hit the funny bone, particularly early on. After a while we know what's coming so it loses its sting and just becomes noise to suffer through. She's clearly a character cut from the cloths of Eddie Murphy's Axel Foley and Mel Gibson's Detective Riggs. Unfortunately she takes only their most basic traits without the charm of either. They are then fused with McCarthy's brand of potty mouth savagery to form a character we may laugh at occasionally, but don't particularly like. Its a shtick better in short doses as in, This is 40, rather than a steady stream of it. One thing that sort of gets us on her side is her family. They are the one deviation from the formula we have. They have completely made her an outcast and she has to suffer through tongue lashings from them. It's a trick to earn some sympathy for her and it works. However, the best thing to come out of these scenes is her brothers' girlfriends injecting themselves into family business. They give as good as they get.

If Mullins is a dumbed down combination of Foley and Riggs then Ashburn is that of Taggart and Murtaugh from the same movies. She exists merely to be appalled by and eventually bond with Mullins. Her comedic task is to attempt things the way her partner wants her to. Again, this is an occasionally amusing tactic that more often just reminds me of fun stuff we've seen in other, better films. Bullock does with the role requires of her. It just doesn't seem to take much effort. There seems to be no challenge in standing off to one side while McCarthy rants and raves. Her character is just an uninteresting woman. In fact, she's so boring I've written these last two sentences just to lengthen a paragraph in which their really is nothing else to say about her. Well, maybe there is one slightly interesting thing about her. She has a cute potential relationship with Agent Levy played by the refreshingly subdued Marlon Wayans. Still, even this is not an earth shattering romance.

Whether or not you like The Heat boils down to one question: do you find it funny when Melissa McCarthy makes lots of noise and cusses like a sailor. If the answer is yes, you're probably thinking I'm some sort of prude, or a movie snob and dismissing this entire review. Fine by me. You may as well stop reading now and go watch it. Put another way, did you like Identity Thief. If the answer is no, you have likely been nodding in agreement as you read. That's more than fine by me. In this case you should probably skip it. It's only going to annoy you, anyway. Proceed accordingly

MY SCORE: 4.5/10

Beats Rhymes & Life: The Travels of A Tribe Called Quest

Directed by Michael Rapaport.

2011. Rated R, 97 minutes.
Cast:
Q-Tip
Phife Dawg
Ali Shaheed Muhammad
Jarobi White
Afrika Baby Bam
Mike G
Common
Angie Martinez
Chris Lighty
Monie Love
Black Thought
Questlove
Bobbito Garcia
Pharrell
Mary J. Blige
Adam Yauch

Back in the days when I was a teenager, before I had status and before I had a pager (remember those?) you could find young Dell listening to hip hop, my mom used to say it reminded her of be-bop. True fans know this to be a paraphrase of the first verse of “Excursions,” the opening song on A Tribe Called Quest’s classic hip hop album “The Low End Theory.” Yes, I’m a true ATCQ fan. At a moment’s notice I can recite whole songs of theirs completely from memory. Obviously, Beats Rhymes & Life is a movie that I could not miss.

For those not in the know, ATCQ is composed of four members. Q-Tip is the face of the group. Initially, he handled most of the rapping. He also handled most, if not all of the production. Later, his lyrical role was reduced to pretty much half. More than any other, his fingerprints are all over the Tribe’s identity. Tip is a bit eccentric, very much so by hip hop standards. Phife does the rest of the rhyming. His much more muscular yet witty approach to the mic provides the gravity that keeps Tip from spiraling off into outer space. Ali Shaheed Muhammad is the group DJ. He keeps the live shows moving and eventually helped produce. Before this documentary, Ali never seemed to say much, except with his hands of course. Fourth member Jarobi is a mysterious figure to many tribe fans. He was visibly and audibly part of the crew at the beginning yet disappeared by the time their second album came out. He was spoken of, but hardly seen. However, he does travel with them on occasion.

We meet up with our heroes in 2008 on the “Rock the Bells” tour. The Tribe is headlining despite not having recorded together since their very public break-up a decade prior. Time has not healed all wounds. Q-Tip and Phife constantly teeter on the edge of a fist-fight. By this point in their relationship, everything Tip does irritates Phife on some level. Ali and Jarobi are pretty much caught in the crossfire, unable to help the situation. Director Michael Rapaport spends plenty of time getting the points of view of the two bickering parties. He also gives us some commentary from the other two members.

To reinforce the iconic status the group enjoys in hip hop culture various artists producers, industry folks speak about how ATCQ influenced them or their experiences with them. ATCQ devotees, such as myself, will delight in seeing the likes of Common, Pharrell, The Beastie Boys and Monie Love testify to the Tribe’s greatness. Fellow Native Tongues alums, The Jungle Brothers, are particular helpful since they were greatly involved in getting a record deal for ATCQ. The Native Tongues were a group of artist that often worked together and were an eclectic bunch with an afro-centric outlook, a great deal of social awareness but decidedly less militant than much of the rap music of the time. The most successful NT member, Queen Latifah, provides us with the most glaring absence. She has transcended the music to become one of the most recognizable women in the country, an Oscar nominated actress and best-selling author. She would provide us with something the movie is a bit lacking in: another person young people or those not necessarily Tribe fans would easily connect with. She’s mentioned and seen in old clips but does not appear and share any of her recollections.

People gushing over our heroes is nice, but not what keeps us intrigued. What does it is the same thing that drives all those episodes of VH1’s Behind the Music. We want to see what happens to people who grew up as friends and achieve success together to destroy their relationships. Here, like in most cases, it’s everyone’s fault to some degree. Phife seems tired of Tip’s controlling ways and sometimes envious of the attention his bandmate gets. Q-Tip often appears oblivious to what’s going on as it’s happening. Then, he feels blindsided when he finally realizes the problem. The two have an interesting dynamic that’s explored thoroughly. However, what we’re offered as a resolution isn’t one, at all. In light of where they are when things end, we need to be given more.

We also should have more of their personal lives. Phife has serious health issues which we spend lots of time on. However, we learn little or nothing about the other guys’ lives away from the stage. Is anyone besides Phife married? Anyone have kids? If their parents are still alive what do they have to say? There is a scene of Tip going back to his old high school and catching up with some of his former teachers. However, none of them get a moment to speak on their ex-pupil. They are merely props for him to interact with, more or less.

Beats Rhymes & Life overcomes its flaws to still be a very good documentary. For Tribe fans, and those of 90s hip hop, the nostalgia factor is off the charts. For younger viewers it gives insight into a legendary group they may not know much about even though many of the artists they currently listen to know plenty. For non-rap fans, it’s hard to say how much value this holds. Thankfully, Michael Rapaport does a nice job of making this a very human story of strained relationships. I’d again refer to Behind the Music. If you’re the type that watches that show regardless of who the artist is, you’ll enjoy this.

MY SCORE: 8/10

Big Fan

Directed by Robert D. Siegel.
2009. Rated R, 86 minutes.
Cast:
Patton Oswalt
Kevin Corrigan
Michael Rapaport
Marcia Jean Kurtz
Gino Cafarelli
Matt Servitto
Serafina Fiore
Polly Humphreys
Jonathan Hamm

Plot: Paul (Oswalt) is a die-hard New York Giants football fan. He eats, sleeps and drinks "G-Men". What will he do after he is beaten up by Quantrell Bishop (Hamm), his favorite player on his favorite team?

The Good: Director Robert D. Siegel does the impossible and gives us an original movie - one dealing with sports, no less. In fact, I'd hesitate to actually call it a sports movie. It's more of a sports fan movie. Instead of focusing on a player, team or coach and working up to "the big game," we walk with an ordinary joe who lives to support his team. That fan, Paul, is portrayed brilliantly and without a hint of sarcasm by Patton Oswalt. That last part is important because Paul could've easily become a comic figure and sank the movie. Through a skillfully ambiguous ending, we're not sure whether to feel happy or sad for him even though he is inexplicably happy. By the way, that's not a spoiler. You have to see it to know what I'm talking about. As Paul's mom, Marcia Jean Kurtz is not only a riot but a constant reminder of how pathetic her son truly is.

The Bad: While Paul is supposed to be a sad case, the movie took the easiest route to that destination by utilizing stereotypes. In this case it's that a guy who's passionate about his team and likes to call the sports radio shows he listens to has to be child-like in all areas of life. Paul is so much so, it's nearly to the point of retardation. His buddy Sal (Corrigan) is similar. However, I wanted more from Sal. We can guess, but are never really sure how he feels about all that's going on. It's especially important since Sal is actually present when Paul is beaten. And what happens with what Paul's brother, Jeff (Cafarelli), is trying to do for him?

The Ugly: Whether you find her attractive or not, former (current?) porn-star Serafina Fiore as Paul's sister-in-law Gina has an unbelievably distracting appearance.

Recommendation: While it's an excellent movie, it's hard to recommend because it's a bit of a downer. It's doubly so for someone like me who is actually a Giants fan and likes to listen to sports talk radio. That said, definitely see this if you want to see a drama that's sports related but still has a unique vision. Just don't go looking for any actual sports scenes because there are none.


MY SCORE: 9/10

True Romance

Directed by Tony Scott.
1993. Rated R, 120 minutes.
Cast:
Christian Slater
Patricia Arquette
Gary Oldman
Christopher Walken
James Gandolfini
Dennis Hopper
Bronson Pinchot
Brad Pitt
Michael Rapaport
Saul Rubinek
Samuel L. Jackson
Sarah Silverman

The setup is nearly too unbelievable for words. Since words are all I have, I’ll just tell you what happens and let you make of it what you will. Clarence (Slater) is a loner who has way too much love for Elvis Presley and decides to spend the night of his birthday alone in a theater showing a triple feature of all three of Sonny Chiba’s Street Fighter movies. While there, he meets the beautiful Alabama (Arquette). The two hit it off, he shows her the comic book shop where he works and spends a good deal of his off time. They end up making love in his hole-in-the-wall apartment. In the wee hours of the same night she admits to him she’s a call-girl that was hired by his boss who wanted to make sure his top employee got laid for his birthday. She also admits that what started as an act became genuine and she is truly in love with him. Not the least bit upset about any of this because he had a great time, he admits that he’s also in love with her. Clearly, he needs to get out more. Then again, even if he had he might never meet another girl who’s not only into martial arts flicks but is really interested in his endless pontification on all the things in pop-culture he’s passionate about. Anyhoo, our two lovebirds get up first thing in the morning, head to the Justice of the Peace and get hitched. Um…yeah, I guess.

I’m with you. It plays like a geek’s wet dream come true. It’s the ultimate affirmation for those of us who tend to spend too much time in fantasy land. Keep immersing yourself in the alternate reality of your choice, without compromise and sex with beautiful women will miraculously (immaculately?) occur because you’re just that cool. Before any of you geek gods try to strike me down with the bolt of lightning you acquired from the roll of a twenty-sided die, spare me. I’ve been called a geek more than once by people who actually know me. Luckily for you strangers, my ridiculously sexy exterior conceals the analytically superior processor within my skull. Oh, wait…you wanna read about the movie, don’t you?

The reason the open plays like a fanboy’s fantasy is because, essentially, that’s what it is. For those unaware, this was written by a then video store clerk, still pop-culture and b-movie enthusiast named Quentin Tarantino. An opening like this only makes perfect sense.

Enough of this. I’ve spent way too much time on the first fifteen minutes of the movie. The truth is, even though we’ve got a flimsy basis for love, the rest of the film absolutely sizzles. In no way is this a conventional love story. All you really need to know to prove that is that what sets the story in motion is that Clarence's stupidity…er…bravery causes him to try and get Alabama’s things from her pimp, Drexel (Oldman). That’s former pimp, unbeknownst to Drexel. Bada-boom, bada-bing Clarence accidentally ends up with a suitcase full of cocaine and our loving couple goes on the run from the people it belongs to.

Like the best of Tarantino what makes the movie is not the plot but the situations the plot puts the characters in. The more tense the situation, the better the writing is a general Tarantino rule and it applies here. These moments are deliciously outrageous, violent and often clever. This is what drives the movie, makes it a thrilling watch.

The other major factor in making it a good movie are the characters. Really, most of them aren’t well developed. What they are is purpose driven, extreme and totally willing to say whatever comes to mind. Many of them are people we love to hate. Filling these roles is a superb cast that delivers every line perfectly. Stealing the show, however, are two guys who were relative newcomers at the time, James Gandolfini and Brad Pitt. Pitt plays a great stoner and Gandolfini is flat scary.

To his credit, director Tony Scott seems to stay out of the way of the screenplay. It doesn’t feel like his other movies. It’s less him, but in this case that works out well. It does, in fact, feel like a Tarantino movie except it doesn’t bounce around the timeline the way most of his self-directed films tend to. That said, atop what seems to be a faulty foundation an excellent movie is built.

MY SCORE: 8.5/10