The Batman

Black Panther

War for the Planet of the Apes

Pointless Lists: Greatest Talking Animals

Yesterday, I gushed over Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. This got me to thinking about Caesar's place in another world, the one of talking animals in movies. There have been plenty. I'll be the first to admit that once you're passed the age of twelve most of us, myself included, hate most of them. However, there are a few that sneak through our defenses and find a warm spot in our heart.

For this list, I gave myself a set of simple rules to follow. First, the character in question has to be a real animal that can be found here on Earth (even if they aren't on Earth in their movie). Therefore, Falcor the luck dragon from A Neverending Story, nor any other type of dragon, will not be making an appearance. Second, the character can't be represented as a replica of the real thing. This means no Ted or Lots-O'-Huggin' as they are stuffed animals, not actual animals. Lastly, the animal has to appear completely as such. I mean, being played by a guy (or girl) in a suit is okay, but human features cannot be visible. Bye bye, Cowardly Lion.

Now that the criteria is set, let's get to the actual list. In my opinion, and certainly not a definitive list by any stretch, these are the ten greatest talking animals in movies.

10. Sid

(voiced by John Leguizamo)

Natural Habitat: The Ice Age movies

What is he? A three-toed sloth

What do smart people call them? Bradypodidae

Fun Fact: Sloths only come down out of the tree they live in to urinate or defecate, once a week

He speaks with a lisp, isn't the sharpest prehistoric bone, and generally gets on the nerves of everyone around him. You know what? I love him for it. Through four movies, with a fifth on the way, Sid gives us probably 90% of all the funny moments not given to us by the non-talking squirrel.

9. Aslan

(voiced by Liam Neeson)

Natural Habitat: The Chronicles of Narnia franchise

What is he? A lion.

What do smart people call them? Panthera Leo

Fun Fact: Male lions sleep up to 21 hours a day

This lion is not just the king of the jungle, but of everything. I mean that literally, as in that biblical "King of Kings" sort of way. Given that, it's no surprise that he's wise, brave, and well, god-like.

8. Puss in Boots

(voiced by Antonio Banderas)

Natural Habitat: Shrek sequels and prequels

What is he? A domestic shorthair tabby, or a cute li'l kitty cat - your choice

What do smart people call them? Felis silvestris catus

Fun Fact: The technical term for a cat's hairball is "bezoar"

You gotta love a sword fighting cat that's also a ladies' man, right? If you don't, he'll melt your cold, icy heart with the most pitiful set of sad eyes you've ever seen. I mean, can we get Puss in Boots 2 already?

7. Po

(voiced by Jack Black)

Natural Habitat: Kung Fu Panda movies

What is he? A panda

What do smart people call them? Ailuropoda melanoleuca

Fun Fact: Pandas spend roughly 16 hours a day eating

Simply put, I love the Kung Fu Panda franchise. Both function as wonderful kiddie-flicks and excellent martial arts movies. Po is at the center of it all, giving us a terrific hero and probably the best character Jack Black has ever played.

6. Roger Rabbit

(voiced by Charles Fleischer)

Natural Habitat: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

What is he? A rabbit

What do smart people call them? Oryctolagus cuniculus

Fun Fact: In the wild some female rabbits can produce about eight litters of bunnies per year.

Okay, I'll be honest. Roger is here mostly because I've never seen a good Bugs Bunny movie. However, that doesn't make him any less fun a character. Besides that, he has arguably the hottest wife of all time. I mean, after mine, of course.

5. Jiminy Cricket

(voiced by Cliff Edwards)

Natural Habitat: Pinocchio and all things Disney

What is he? A cricket

What do smart people call them? Gryllus assimilis

Fun Fact: Crickets' ears are located on the knees of their front legs

More than just a cute little fellow in an adorable suit, Jiminy actually provides our hero with a conscience. He is the angel sitting on the wooden boy's shoulder.

4. Scar

(voiced by Jeremy Irons)

Natural Habitat: The Lion King

What is he? A lion.

What do smart people call them? Panthera Leo

Fun Fact: The roar of a lion can be heard five miles away

I know that Mufasa's iconic voice is provided by the legendary James Earl Jones. I know that Simba is the hero. However, watch The Lion King again and tell me it's not Scar who makes the movie tick.

3. Dory

(voiced by Ellen DeGeneres)

Natural Habitat: Finding Nemo

What is she? A regal blue tang

What do smart people call them? Paracanthurus hepatus

Fun Fact: Blue tangs are capable of adjusting the intensity of their hue - from light blue to deep purple

Finally, we have a female on the list. Sadly, she's the only one. However, this doesn't make her any less deserving as she is by far my favorite character in a great movie. I can't wait for Finding Dory.

2. Napoleon

(voiced by Maurice Denham)

Natural Habitat: Animal Farm

What is he? A domestic pig

What do smart people call them? Sus scrofa domesticus

Fun Fact: Pigs are widely accepted to be smarter than human children up to 3 years of age

Another villain finds his way onto the list. Napoleon is used to represent many of society's ills of the 1950s and he is a masterful one. Animal Farm is a great movie based on a great book. Fun facts about the movie: it was the first British animated film to get a theatrical release and Maurice Denham voiced all of the animals.

1. Caesar

(voiced by Andy Serkis)

Natural Habitat: Rebooted Planet of the Apes franchise

What is he? A common chimpanzee

What do smart people call them? Pan troglodytes

Fun Fact: Chimpanzees make and use tools for more purposes than any other creatures except human beings

Perhaps I'm just basking in the afterglow of my viewing of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Or, maybe Caesar is a piece of truly genius filmmaking, both technically and emotionally complex. Either way you want to paint the picture, he gets my top spot.

I know. I missed your favorite, or at least a character you feel is worth mentioning. Let me know what you think.

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Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

The Adventures of Tintin

Directed by Steven Spielberg.

2011. Rated PG, 107 minutes.

Cast:

Jamie Bell

Andy Serkis

Daniel Craig

Nick Frost

Simon Pegg

Toby Jones

Daniel Mays

Gad Elmaleh

We kinda sorta meet Tintin (Bell) and his dog. He buys a model ship, and people immediately start trying to buy it from him. When he won’t sell, they try stealing it. Should he get killed in the process, the bad guys won’t think it such a big deal. That’s The Adventures of Tintin in a nutshell. Actually, that’s it, almost entirely. The only other thing you need to know is eventually he teams up with an alcoholic sea-captain whom the bad guys, one of whom looks suspiciously like the movie's director, want to keep around for some reason. Lots of swashbuckling ensues.

My main problem with Tintin is that’s all there is. We get no set up and are thrust into the adventure with no emotional attachment to anything on the screen. Director Steven Spielberg is certainly no stranger to telling his story through action. He did a masterful job of just that in Saving Private Ryan. The difference is through that action, including very real looking death all around the survivors, the weariness of those men and their determination through it all we form a bond with them that submerges us in the film. Here, especially since it’s aimed at children, that action doesn’t have nearly the same weight. It’s a blitzkrieg of dazzling sights and sounds. However, like a fireworks show, when the smoke clears there is nothing there.

This isn’t to say that Tintin is a bad movie. It is not. The animation is top notch and gives us some wonderful visuals throughout. Action is pretty much non-stop so you, most likely, won’t be bored. And if you like pratfalls and slapstick comedy, you’ll laugh a lot, too.

No one, myself included, is really qualified to tell Steven Spielberg how to make a movie. I just feel he went way too fast with this one. I would love to see Tintin, and even the villains, more firmly established before we really get into his adventure. Instead, it’s like a mashup of his own Indiana Jones flicks and Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Holmes without the heart of either. We can see many of the director’s normal touches, but it feels like a dumbed down version of his normal work like he’s pandering to an even younger crowd than his popcorn flicks usually shoot for. Ironically, his pal J.J. Abrams made the best Spielberg flick in the last couple years with Super 8. There is no question that Spielberg is a magician when it comes to filmmaking. However, this particular trick falls flat. It wants to wow us by constantly showing us our card. Unfortunately, we never get to actually pick one.

MY SCORE: 6/10

Rise of the Planet of the Apes