31 Days of Horror: Crimson Peak

Only Lovers Left Alive

Directed by Jim Jarmusch.

2013. Rated R, 123 minutes.

Cast:

Tom Hiddleston

Tilda Swinton

Mia Wasikowska

John Hurt

Anton Yelchin

Jeffrey Wright

Adam (Hiddleston) and Eve (Swinton) are a married couple who, for some unexplained reason, are named Adam and Eve and live on opposite ends of the Earth. She tools about Tangier while he's holed himself up in his cluttered Detroit apartment. Dude is definitely a hoarder. Eve's thing is apparently listening to men speak. Like, I'm not even joking about that. After speaking to him on the phone, Eve decides she misses her hubby and hops a flight to Motown. Oh, I forgot to mention that they happen to be vampires. However, they no longer go around biting people. Instead, they get their food from blood banks and black market dealers. Mostly, they lounge around and talk art and science. Things change when Eve's sister Ava (Wasikowska) comes around. She's more of a free spirit. Understandably, she turns their world upside down. Something artsy ensues.

Every now and then, a movie comes along that just makes me admit defeat. It makes me confess that there are people in the world smarter than myself. There has to be because they're all seeing something that, for the life of me, I can't. Only Lovers Left Alive is one such film. However, before completely giving up, I try my damndest to find it. And since I don't know any better, I'll start looking in the places where I always look.

This means that the plot is the first place I check. There really isn't one to speak of. We find out some vaguely interesting things about the people involved, though. Adam is apparently responsible for much of the great music of centuries' past, I think. However, other than showing that he's a total recluse who occasionally releases his new material through 'a guy' named Ian (Yelchin). We also see he's a technological genius of some sort. He must be. He rigged a cell phone to connect to a TV from I don't know how many decades ago and uses it like Skype. Let's be honest, if you or I were alive for a couple hundred years we still couldn't figure out how to do that. Despite all this, dude is definitely depressed. He's been contemplating suicide hard...HARD. About Eve, well, she...um...she really loves Adam and...uh...she loves hearing men speak. Didn't I say that, already? Sorry, folks. That's all I got on her. Oh, wait. There is one other thing about her. She can tell exactly how old something is just by putting her hands on it. It's a cute trick, but fairly useless in everyday life. As for Ava, she likes to party and well, occasionally she drinks too much. Yup, she's a vampire so it's possible I've just spoiled the only thing that actually happens in the entire damn movie. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's just say that I looked at the plot and found nothing.

My next logical step is to examine the characters. Of course, if you've been paying any attention at all then you know that I've already done that because the plot was missing from its normal spot. If we're keeping count then you know we have a grand total of one mildly interesting character. That's it. Hell, the only other character who matters at all in the whole movie is Marlowe (Hurt), an old dude that, yes, Eve loves listening to. His claim to fame is that he is evidently the one and only Christopher Marlowe that some people allege to have faked his own death and assumed the name William Shakespeare and penned all of those classics. And, of course, he's been around ever since and knew every dead writer you ever read in high school personally. The most interesting thing about him is something that perpetuates the Marlowe/Shakespeare myth. It is implied that, like the real Christopher Marlowe, his human life ended at age 29. However, this Marlowe is an old man and vampires don't age once they've been turned. Hmmm...very clever. Still, that's not quite enough to really give a crap about him. So, yeah, we're still at one mildly interesting character.

Well, what about what these people have to say? You know, dialogue. I'll start by saying this, I generally do not read reviews of movies I haven't seen, if I plan on seeing them in the near future. So even as a lot of my blogging buddies were posting their reviews, possibly including yours, I either clicked off that page or just looked at whatever score you gave and then clicked off. Now that I've watched it, I've gone back and read a number of reviews on it. The dialogue of this movie is getting lots of praise. I'll say this for it, it takes someone with a brain to keep up. That much is for sure. For comparison's sake, I'd say imagine a Quentin Tarantino script that instead of referencing all sorts of pop culture, references historical figures in music and literature. By historical, I mean people who died before the twentieth century. Now strip away all of QT's snark and most of his humor of any sort, and voila, you have Only Lovers Left Alive. Well, that's actually dialogue from Adam and Marlowe. The only other thing Adam really says is "Get off my lawn!" He doesn't use those words, but the sentiment is definitely there. He peeks out of his window and sees a couple of youngsters hanging around and then calls Ian, or wait until he sees him, and orders him to keep those "rock and roll kids" away from his house. Eve mostly just says, "Tell me about ___, darling." Seriously. She does go ape shit when she finds out about teeny tiny thing Adam was hiding from her, but that lasts all of a minute and then its' back to sitting around with her listening ears on until very late in the movie when she finally has to do something. Ian just basically says "Dude, you should get out more." Later, Ava shows up and says "Wooohhh, let's go out!" And, when they get out, she switches over to "Wooohhh, Paaarrrr-tay!" Again, not in those words. Sentiment, people. To sum up the dialogue, we'll say Adam's and Marlowe's is creative, but not riveting and everyone else's is repetitive.

After dialogue, it only makes sense to talk about the acting. Finally, we've reached a strong point. Scroll back to the top and look at that cast again. I don't think anyone of them could be accused of phoning it in. In fact, they are selling it for all they're worth. Tilda Swinton is a phenomenal actress. I've no choice but to give her credit for never seeming bored with her role. She seems genuinely interested in what her mate has to say, even though she's probably heard it all literally a million times before. After all, some of her lines begin with "Tell me again about..." Sigh. Tom Hiddleston gives us his emo-hipster best. We really feel like this is a guy that is more than ready to check out. John Hurt's role is small, but he makes it work. Wasikowska adds what little energy this film has.

The next thing I have to ask myself is what does the movie say? Is there any sort of social commentary or insight into the human condition? Maybe. As far as commentary, we get a drive around a barren Detroit landscape and some lamenting the plight of a once great city. There's also some mumbo-jumbo about it coming back because it's near water. The human condition? There is a nod to the dangers of us constantly consuming junk, the way that we do, and what it's doing to our bodies. I guess you can also say it's a testament to the enduring power of love. Or, whatever the hell else you want. I am so tired of playing this game.

Before I quit, I at least should take a look at more superficial things. I mean, this is a movie about vampires, right? Well, alrighty then. Is it scary? No. Gory? No. Romantic? I guess we can give it that one, begrudgingly on my part, though. Are the action scenes fun? They might be, if there were any. In short, I was bored as shit and struggled mightily to make it through this thing. Going back to our lovebirds, they really started to annoy me, quickly. To make matters worse, I put my finger on the pulse of my dislike for these people. With Adam's rather Cullen...er...sullen attitude and Eve's (I think) misplaced giddiness over just being in his presence really made me feel like I was watching another Twilight sequel, this one set years after the last. Since she's long over Jacob, Charlie has probably collapsed and died beneath the weight of his own mustache, and the Volturi are no longer chasing them, nothing happens. Nothing at all.

Thor: The Dark World

Directed by Alan Taylor.

2013. Rated PG-13, 112 minutes.

Cast:

Chris Hemsworth

Natalie Portman

Tom Hiddleston

Anthony Hopkins

Stellan Skarsgard

Idris Elba

Chris Eccleston

Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje

Kat Dennings

Rene Russo

Ray Stevenson

Following the events of The Avengers, Thor (Hemsworth) finds himself back home on Asgard longing for Jane (Portman), the woman he left behind in the first movie. And since a superhero's work is never done, there's a new evil to deal with. This time, all the fuss is over something called the Aether, the evil force Malakith (Eccleston) was using way back when in his quest to rule everything. He and his top dawg Algrim (Akinnuoye-Agbaje) fled before being killed. The Aether was said to be destroyed, but was just hidden really well. Lo and behold, after however many years, Jane not only finds the stuff here on Earth, but it uses her body as a host. Now that the Aether is out in the open, Malakith will stop at nothing to get it back and once again try to conquer evertything. He makes things so bad for Thor that our hero has to turn to his arch-nemesis/half-brother Loki (Hiddleston) for help.

Like the previous Thor and even The Avengers, this is a movie about the relationship between Thor and Loki more than anything else. It is a formula that repeatedly pays dividends. First of all, Chris Hemsworth continues to be the perfect Thor while Thor himself continues to show growth. His maturation process from overgrown child to a man worthy of his father's crown has been wonderfully handled across three movies. Still, a perfect Thor is almost no comparison to Loki as far as intrigue goes. The writing of the character and the performance of him by Tom Hiddleston is pure magic. Without question, he is a guy we simply love to hate. The trick is we still have a trace of sympathy for him. At his core, he is a guy rebelling against his parents because he doesn't feel wanted, particularly by his father. The hurt that feeds his hatred always shines through. Those parents, Odin (Hopkins) and Frigga (Russo) are played excellently, as well. Hopkins shows us Odin's thorough disappointment in and disdain of his son while Russo lets Frigga's motherly approach work wonders even though we can see that she's being very cautious with him.

Secondary characters, especially the human ones, don't really add much. As the damsel in distress, Portman does nothing to prove that she is the only one who should play that role. In other words, while having someone other than Gwyneth Paltrow play Pepper Potts would be a major blow to the Iron Man franchise, swapping out Portman for someone else would hardly make a difference. Don't get me wrong, she's a wonderful actress, just not given much to do. Others are there almost purely for comic relief with varying degrees of success. The relationship between the two interns played by Kat Dennings and Jonathan Howard is hit or miss. The hijinks surrounding Erik Selvig (Stellan Skarsgard) is much more successful. It helps that he actually matters to the plot. Our uber-villain Malakith and top henchman Algrim give us pretty standard bad guys and aren't particularly memorable.

No matter how the rest of the movie comes together, or doesn't, it would all be for naught if the superhero stuff doesn't work. It does. When pulled into battle, Thor mightily wields his hammer. Just as importantly, the visuals back him up. Asgard looks beautiful and parts of it get destroyed quite nicely. The action involves lots of fisticuffs and spaceships and looks great. The best part is that while Algrim isn't the most memorable henchman, he is a formidable one and poses a real threat to our hero. Later, even Rene Russo impresses us in a fight scene, making us recall her days as part of the Lethal Weapon franchise.

Marvel Studios continues to bring us comic book flicks that strike a nice balance between taking their heroes seriously and providing a fun experience. It pushes the saga of their shared universe forward without relying as much on what happened in The Avengers as Iron Man 3. It's mentioned, but not the crutch upon which the entire movie leans. the ending feels like a cheat, but I'm sure we'll get some explanation of this later. Therefore, I'm willing to let it slide until a later film sheds some light on things. If viewing this as a stand alone, I can see how it would be a pretty big knock on the movie. As part of a series, as it is, it gives us something to anticipate.

War Horse

Directed by Steven Spielberg.

2011. Rated PG-13, 146 minutes.

Cast:

Jeremy Irvine

Emily Watson

David Thewlis

Peter Mullan

Niels Arestrup

Benedict Cumberbatch

Tom Hiddleston

Eddie Marsan

Toby Kebbell

David Kross

Of course, a horse is a horse, of course. Well, except for Joey. Joey is a bit different. After all, they made this movie about him. To be fair, it’s about him and his human Albert (Irvine). They get together when Albert’s dad Ted (Mullan) spends just about all of the family’s money on Joey at an auction. The problem is, being farmers with a particularly rough patch of land, they need a big, strong plow horse. Joey is small and sleek. Ted, a heavy drinker, only bought Joey because he sees something special in the animal. He’s just not sure what. This upsets his wife (Watson) who realizes the landlord is breathing down their necks and farming is their only source of income. They need Joey to work a miracle and plow this land. Ted has a bum leg and can’t train the horse for the job, if that’s even possible. Therefore, Albert steps up to take on the task. Quite literally through an act of God, Albert and Joey get the field plowed. The end.

Okay, that’s really just the beginning. All of that is to show us the special bond between the boy and the horse. It also scratches the surface on Joey’s incredible intelligence. The real conflict happens when World War I has come to Britain and the British army is looking for horses. Since that whole farming thing didn’t quite pan out, due to another act of God, Ted sells Joey to the army so he can pay the rent. This is in spite of Albert’s relentless pleading. The horse is off to battle while the boy, still too young to legally join the war effort, finagles his way into the service in hopes of a reunion with his one true love. Okay, I may be reading a bit much into it, but that’s the way it feels. Luckily for you, and I think for Albert, I’m not sure Joey trots that way. Thankfully, we’ll never find out for sure.

The battle scenes are harrowing. We alternate between watching Joey and Albert in their own separate dangerous situations. Many bombs go boom, kicking up much dirt as various unnecessary characters die. Even in the midst of war, Joe and Albert manage to form bonds with some of their fellow soldiers. Yes, Joey becomes good pals with another horse and even saves his equine buddy’s life. At this point, the great and powerful Spielberg commands you to cry. Disobedience will only bring about even more menacing sappiness. Never mind, you’ll get that no matter what.

If you can’t tell, War Horse is nearly two and a half hours of manipulating you to make liberal use of the tissue of your choice. The story is well-told, as is most of Spielberg’s work. However, the cheese is piled so thick it makes his last Indiana Jones movie look edgy by comparison. The difference is this movie seems to think it is not a shameless piece of fluff when that’s precisely what it is. It takes itself seriously despite the silliness of it all. Admittedly, it’s a beautiful looking movie with top notch cinematography and some wonderful individual scenes. Unfortunately, when it all comes together, War Horse crumbles under the weight of its own corniness.

MY SCORE: 5/10

The Avengers

Midnight in Paris

Directed by Woody Allen.

2011. Rated PG-13, 94 minutes.
Cast:
Owen Wilson
Rachel McAdams
Marion Cotillard
Kathy Bates
Michael Sheen
Carla Bruni
Adrien Brody
Kurt Fuller
Mimi Kennedy
Tom Hiddleston
Corey Stoll
Lea Seydoux

Gil Pender (Wilson) is a successful Hollywood screenwriter who wants to break into legitimate literature. To that end, he’s working on a novel. He’s also on vacation in Paris with his fiancé Inez (McAdams) and her parents. We immediately learn that he longs to have been alive and in the city during the 1920s when many of the greatest artists of all time roamed its streets. His days are spent with Inez around her friends and family. More often than not this includes Paul (Sheen), an insufferable know-it-all. In an effort to get away from Paul’s incessant pontification, Gil finds himself taking late night walks alone. It just so happens that every night at midnight he’s scooped up by some people in this movie’s version of a DeLorean and they take him to precisely where he wants to be: Paris in the 1920s. Shortly, he’s face to face with F. Scott Fitzgerald (Hiddleston) and Ernest Hemingway (a particularly good Stoll). He get his manuscript read by Gertrude Stein (Bates). He also gets acquainted with a number of others such as Picasso (Marcial Di Fonzo Bo) and Bunuel (Adrien de Van). Each morning he’s back in the present longing to get back to the past. Yes, this is a movie about his romantic view of a particular city but also about traditional romance, too. Is Inez really right for him? Perhaps it’s Picasso’s on-again, off-again mistress Adrianna (Cotillard). After all, the two take a shine to each other.

Midnight in Paris gets points for being an atypical romantic comedy. The genre is filled with tales of boy meets girl that proceed through a succession of predictable ups and downs. They only differentiate themselves by the preposterousness of their situations. Seriously speaking, what could be more preposterous than a time traveling aspiring novelist meeting his long deceased heroes and possibly falling in love with their women? The difference is those other movies pass themselves off as only slight exaggerations of the type of romance we’re all sure to experience when we meet that special someone when in truth they’re farcical, at best. This film understands its place. It knows it is presenting us with impossible events and runs with it. Through characters other than Gil, it lets us know it is keenly aware how crazy this whole thing is.

The writer and director is none other than Woody Allen. As proof, the movie contains many of his usual touches. Gil is fairly similar to most of Allen’s protagonists: smart, quirky and a bit of a loner. He’s probably not as self-deprecating as he might’ve been had Allen played the character himself, though. The women are flighty, yet seem to have a keen understanding of our hero. Like the director’s best, MiP is charmingly whimsical. Unfortunately, it relies too heavily on its premise. It seems to think that transporting us back and forth in time is enough to wow us. It often settles for cute instead of going for all-out funny. Sure, there are laughs to be had. However, they’re spaced at intervals too large. Near the end, things get a bit convoluted as a third era is awkwardly introduced. Still, MiP does lots of things well. It is a good Woody Allen movie, just not a great one.

MY SCORE: 7/10

Thor