Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

Directed by Thor Freudenthal.

2013. Rated PG, 106 minutes.

Cast:

Logan Lerman

Alexandra Daddario

Brandon T. Jackson

Stanley Tucci

Nathan Fillion

Douglas Smith

Leven Rambin

Jake Abel

Anthony Head

Paloma Kwiatkowski

Derek Mears

Things seem to be all hunky dory at Camp Half-Blood when there are a couple of odd occurrences. Our hero, Percy Jackson (Lermer) finds out he has a half-brother who is a cyclops. Next, the mystical barrier that keeps intruders out of the camp is broken, leading to an epic battle with an angry magical (and mechanical) bull that ends with the return of a certain bad guy. Lastly, the bumbling idiots who run the place inform Percy of the prophecy that says he will either save Mount Olympus or destroy it in the attempt. The Golden Fleece seems to be the cure for all their ails. This means going on a quest to find and retrieve it, and of course, saving or destroying...yeah, that.

Once again, Percy has his trusty cohorts Grover (Jackson) and Annabeth (Daddario) in tow. The three share an easy chemistry that serves the movie well. To that mix, Tyson (Smith) the half-brother is added. The four of them provide a pleasant enough quartet. there's a little more than a hint of sexual tension between Percy and Annabeth which drives their scenes together. She also has a raging hatred of Tyson that plays into the moral of the story. There is also Grover in full Magical Negro/comic relief mode, ever ready with some silliness to keep things from getting too heavy. None of this is exceptionally good or bad. It just sort of is and helps us roll along innocuously.

The rest of the cast is a slightly better. Not surprisingly, Stanley Tucci fares best in his role as the weary Dionysus (Mr. D), an instructor at the camp. All the man wants is a drink of wine. However, his verbal taunting of the gods has cost him this small pleasure. It's not uproariously funny, but his scenes are consistently humorous. another bright spot is Derek Mears as a big, evil cyclops. He's not going into the villain hall of fame or anything, but he provides a decent counterpoint to our heroes.

Similarly to the blandness of most of the characters, the plot unfolds in not-so-thrilling fashion. It just hits all the spots it's supposed to when it's supposed to. Nothing unexpected takes place. This makes tension the biggest casualty of all the story-telling devices. We just never feel like the good guys are in any real danger. True, going into a kid-friendly adventure like this we know the good guys are going to win. However, this movie fails to ever approach making us doubt the fact. Instead of hanging on to the edge of our seats, we're more likely to be comfortably slouched against the back of them and checking our watches.

Lots of movies of this caliber, narratively, manage to save themselves with plenty of action. This one tries, it just fails miserably. The main culprit is shoddy cgi. When the mayem breaks loose, things start looking cartoonish, but not like this was done on purpose. It further adds to the sense that we have nothing to worry about in regards to the hero's well being. We're snatched from being involved in the movie, to being reminded we're watching one. No matter how many I've seen, good films draw me into the world on the screen, regardless of how far-fetched it might be. I become invested in the events playing out before me. This is more like a stranger stooping in front of your window to tie his shoe. It might be sort of interesting, but not a compelling event. Whatever fascination it may hold passes when they stand up and continue on their way. Shortly, you may forget it ever happened. Percy Jackson stoops in front of your window to tie his shoe.

Thunderstruck

Directed by John Whitesell. 

2012. Rated PG, 94 minutes. 

Cast:

Kevin Durant

Taylor Gray

Brandon T. Jackson

James Belushi

Larramie Doc Shaw

Tristin Mays

Robert Belushi

Spencer Daniels

William Ragsdale

Hana Hayes

Brian (Gray) is so bad at basketball, dribbling the ball twice without breaking a bone is a major accomplishment. Making a shot, no matter how close to the basket, requires divine intervention. His sister, with an opportunistic camera, regularly posts videos on YouTube of his athletic failures. Still, he loves the sport so much he's the manager for his high school team. He also obsesses over his hometown NBA team, the Oklahoma City Thunder, and their star player, Kevin Durant who plays himself. During halftime of a Thunder game, Brian once again publicly humiliates himself when he's selected to take a half-court shot for a prize, but he gets to meet his idol, Durant. They share a brief moment which includes Brian wishing he had Durant's talent and Durant, being polite, wishing he could give it to the kid. Wouldn't ya know it, the star's talent actually does transfer to Brian through the ball they're simultaneously holding, though this is unbeknownst to either. The next day, Brian is suddenly a basketball prodigy while Durant shoots like he's trying to throw a BB through a keyhole from thirty paces away. More predictably bland cheese ensues.

As expected, Brian makes his way onto his school basketball team and quickly becomes the best high school player in the state of Oklahoma. With his new found skill comes the pretty girl, arrogance, etc. Meanwhile, Kevin Durant's agent frantically tries to figure out what's going on. Eventually, he makes the incredible leap in logic needed to put two and two together and get five which is, of course, the correct answer in this case. The agent is played by Brandon T. Jackson who, as usual, seems to be doing a Chris Tucker impersonation. That said, he's pretty much the only one in the cast with any charisma whatsoever. While Jackson is doing Tucker, Gray as Brian is giving us his best Shia LaBeouf. Our leading lady Tristin Mays is very vanilla as Isabel, AKA the pretty girl. The most notable part of her performance is that she resembles a very young Jessica Alba. The rest of the kids play stock characters and have quite literally fallen off the Disney Channel and Nickelodeon assembly lines judging by my daughters who, after recognizing a number of faces, both exclaimed "Everybody's in this movie!"

Finally, among the actors, there's Kevin Durant. True, he's currently one of the best players in the NBA. However, as an actor, he's no Ray Allen. Many moons ago, Allen gave a performance in Spike Lee's He Got Game that, while not great, improved as the movie went on. KD is stuck in neutral. Based on everything I've heard or read about him, he's a genuinely nice guy. It seems no one has a bad word to say about him. His game has made him a superstar, able to sell shoes and a number of other things. He's just not yet a particularly compelling personality. His presence is entirely summed up in his height. He simply towers over everything else in the movie. However, other than that, there is no reason to actually pay attention to him.

Since Thunderstruck is a basketball movie involving magical powers it draws easy comparisons to Like Mike. Truth told, it's more like the love-child of Freaky Friday and Teen Wolf. It borrows heavily from both. I think you already get the Freaky Friday part of the equation. As far as Teen Wolf is concerned, you might've picked up on the arrogance thing. We also get a best friend who actively promotes him, a world weary coach (Belushi) and our hero has a major decision to make about how he will play the big game. What happens next is about as close as this movie could come to Teen Wolf. Thunderstruck even has similarly awful basketball choreography.

All in all, it's a harmless flick that takes no risks and, as a result, reaps very few rewards. It would be right at home on one of those kiddie stations I mentioned, or on ABC Family. That said, if you have children you have a dilemma. There is enough charm and fun for the kids to enjoy. It plucks along to its inevitable conclusion while you seriously contemplate maiming yourself. And no, I don't remember hearing the AC DC song of the same name.

MY SCORE: 3.5/10

Big Momma's: Like Father, Like Son

Directed by John Whitesell.

2011. Rated PG-13, 107 minutes.
Cast:
Martin Lawrence
Brandon T. Jackson
Jessica Lucas
Michelle Ang
Tony Curran
Ana Ortiz
Marc John Jeffries
Portia Doubleday
Henri Lubatti
Ken Jeong

Certain people are lucky I’ve not yet been named Supreme Ruler of the Universe. Cataclysmic events may have erupted the very moment it came to my attention that the ever-invisible and unquestionably guilty “they” were going to make another Big Momma’s House. Without doubt “they” would be immediately banished to the farthest reaches of my jurisdiction. By “they” I mean anyone involved with any movie in the series. Being a benevolent monarch I would save two souls who had the misfortune of appearing in the original. One would be Paul Giamatti who’s done all sorts of good since that time. The other is Nia Long, who was actually in the first two BM movies. She gets a pass because I’ve been in love with her ever since that fateful night in 1991 when she introduced herself to me as Brandi in Boyz N the Hood. Thankfully, neither of them are here. And “here” is where I am: watching a movie that not only violates this king’s first rule of sequels, but one which by its mere existence is evidence of an actively waged war against original thought.

If you were wondering, this king’s first rule of sequels is this: If a movie sucks, there should not be a sequel. Of course, this assumes the first BM did indeed suck. Whether you like it matters not. In my kingdom, I am the sole judge of good and suckiness. As such I have deemed it terrible. Armed with this knowledge you should be amazed at the audacity it took to make a third movie in the franchise. The nerve! To the guillotine with them! Off with their heads!

Wait. I’ve not told you what this atrocity is about. To refresh your memory of the basic franchise construct, Malcolm (Lawrence) is an FBI agent who occasionally dresses up like an old lady to solve crimes. This time he’s working a highly dangerous case completely by himself. Strike one. His stepson Trent (Jackson) has just been accepted to Duke University. However, he would rather pursue his rap career than go to college. Strike two. Oh no, no, no. Don’t go jumping to conclusions. The strike is not for him wanting to follow his dreams, especially since anyone who knows me understands I am a rap fan. The strike is because we’re supposed to believe that this guy is intelligent enough to gain acceptance into a school known for high academic standards yet he does nothing smart in the entire movie. As a result of the first of Trent’s not-so-smart moves, he winds up witnessing the bad guy murder an informant over an incriminating flash drive we’ve already learned is hidden at an all-girls school for the arts. Yup, you guessed it: the only way our heroes can get their hands on the drive is to dress up like women and go undercover at the school. Absolutely nothing funny ensues. Strike three. Sigh.

I know what you’re thinking: ‘Sire, if in this fantasy you truly are Supreme Ruler of the Universe why would you bother to watch this?’ It’s really rather simple. A good king wants to keep his subjects as happy as possible. Executions and other scare tactics used to keep them in line are messy and best reserved for the most heinous crimes. Diplomacy is often the better choice for the morale of the kingdom. With this in mind, I’ve noticed that the peasants often take their cues from the Queen. You know the old saying: if mama ain’t happy…yada yada. Logically, she must be appeased from time to time. In other words, the Queen decided upon the evening’s entertainment.

MY SCORE: 0/10

Lottery Ticket

Directed by Erik White.
2010. Rated PG-13, 99 minutes.
Cast:
Bow Wow
Brandon T. Jackson
Naturi Naughton
Loretta Devine
Ice Cube
Keith David
Terry Crews
Charlie Murphy
Mike Epps
Gbenga Akinnagbe

Kevin (Bow Wow) lives with his grandmother (Devine) in the projects. Through a stroke of luck, they win the Mondo Millions lottery grand prize of $370 million. That probably works out to somewhere between $170 million and $200 million after taxes, but that’s not the point. The point is, they’ve suddenly changed tax brackets. However, before they actually make the jump they have to claim the winnings. The problem with that is its Fourth of July weekend and the claims office is closed until Tuesday. The task then seems simple enough: keep quiet about the windfall at least until Tuesday so the vultures don’t start immediately start circling. As it turns out, keeping quiet lasts about 30 seconds. Of course, news spreads like wildfire and everyone wants a piece of Kevin. Everyone includes Lorenzo (Akinnagbe), the local thug and Sweet Tee (David), the local loanshark. Trying to survive until Tuesday and maintain possession of the winning ticket ensues.

It has its moments. Enough funny things happen between chase scenes to keep us at least mildly entertained. The zany cast of characters are all given their brief chance to shine and usually make the most of it. One of the zanies is the recluse Mr. Washington, played by Ice Cube made up to look like an old man. How ironic that he figures prominently in an ending so clearly inspired by and reminiscent of Friday? It becomes doubly so when you pay attention to Brandon T. Jackson as Kevin’s best friend Benny. He seems to be doing his best Chris Tucker impersonation.

LT is also wholly predictable. We know which girl he’ll end up with, when he’s going to have a falling out with his best friend, when the thug is going to pop up out of nowhere and finally, how it ends. Strangely, we also know that for some reason unbeknownst to any logical human being, he will carry the ticket with him everywhere he goes.

In the end, this is cute and light-hearted movie content to breeze through it’s runtime. It brings up a few things that could’ve lead to more poignant social commentary but never goes any further than just mentioning them. It makes no examinations, only smirks at us as if to say ‘we could do something meaningful here, but we don’t want to’. Like its star, the movie as a whole has an innocent charm that will make it likeable for many. However, its lack of substance or any originality whatsoever means it won’t be particularly memorable.

MY SCORE: 5/10

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief

Directed by Chris Columbus.
2010. Rated PG, 118 minutes.
Cast:
Logan Lerman
Brandon T. Jackson
Alexandra Daddario
Pierce Brosnan
Sean Bean
Steve Coogan
Catherine Keener
Rosario Dawson
Joe Pantoliano
Uma Thurman

Someone has stolen Zeus’s lightning bolt. He’s so pissed, he warns Poseidon that if he doesn’t get it back soon, there will be hades to pay. See, Zeus believes that Poseidon’s son is the culprit. Poseidon’s son is none other than Percy Jackson (Lerman), a high school kid who thinks he’s just an ordinary joe whose life sucks. He’s got a slight case of ADHD and apparently severe dyslexia. However, we soon discover that the writers are fans of The Facts of Life because no one in this movie is handicapped, they’re “handi-capable.” If you’re under 30, you probably don’t get that joke, but whatever. Laugh now, google it later.

This is a classic case of the filmmakers trying to keep us from thinking about the lame-brained script by distracting us with lots of shiny objects. Yes, it’s action-packed almost literally from wall to wall. With beautifully rendered creatures and exciting battles scenes, it’s generally a fun watch.

It’s also incredibly stupid. Things that make no sense kepp happening. There seems to be no logical explanation for many of the things people do. This includes actually trying to kill each other during training excercises. Imagine young soldiers in training actually shooting one another with live rounds. That doesn’t make any sense, now does it?

There are other problems, as well. The attempts at comic relief are horrendous, our heroine evidently likes having a guy that can smack her around and the sidekick has a horrible case of “Magical Negro” disease. If you’re unfamiliar with that particular stereotype, the “Magical Negro” is a black character in American literature or cinema with special powers whose sole purpose is to protect and/or enrich the life of the white protagonist. Think The Legend of Bagger Vance or The Green Mile. While that aspect of those films is bothersome, it worked because they were generally well-written stories whether they used stereotypes or not. In a lesser movie such as this, it’s closer to being an unforgivable offense.

The bottom line on Percy Jackson is it’s often dazzling to “look at” but if you’re over 12, it’s probably a chore to “watch”. Oh, since I know you’re smarter than I, when you see it, or if you’ve already seen it, please explain to me how Pierce Brosnan’s character ever sat in a wheelchair.

The Opposite View: Mary Pols, Time

What the Internet Says: 5.8/10 on imdb.com (8/11/10), 50% on rottentomatoes.com, 47/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 4.5/10