Pointless Lists: Greatest Talking Animals

Yesterday, I gushed over Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. This got me to thinking about Caesar's place in another world, the one of talking animals in movies. There have been plenty. I'll be the first to admit that once you're passed the age of twelve most of us, myself included, hate most of them. However, there are a few that sneak through our defenses and find a warm spot in our heart.

For this list, I gave myself a set of simple rules to follow. First, the character in question has to be a real animal that can be found here on Earth (even if they aren't on Earth in their movie). Therefore, Falcor the luck dragon from A Neverending Story, nor any other type of dragon, will not be making an appearance. Second, the character can't be represented as a replica of the real thing. This means no Ted or Lots-O'-Huggin' as they are stuffed animals, not actual animals. Lastly, the animal has to appear completely as such. I mean, being played by a guy (or girl) in a suit is okay, but human features cannot be visible. Bye bye, Cowardly Lion.

Now that the criteria is set, let's get to the actual list. In my opinion, and certainly not a definitive list by any stretch, these are the ten greatest talking animals in movies.

10. Sid

(voiced by John Leguizamo)

Natural Habitat: The Ice Age movies

What is he? A three-toed sloth

What do smart people call them? Bradypodidae

Fun Fact: Sloths only come down out of the tree they live in to urinate or defecate, once a week

He speaks with a lisp, isn't the sharpest prehistoric bone, and generally gets on the nerves of everyone around him. You know what? I love him for it. Through four movies, with a fifth on the way, Sid gives us probably 90% of all the funny moments not given to us by the non-talking squirrel.

9. Aslan

(voiced by Liam Neeson)

Natural Habitat: The Chronicles of Narnia franchise

What is he? A lion.

What do smart people call them? Panthera Leo

Fun Fact: Male lions sleep up to 21 hours a day

This lion is not just the king of the jungle, but of everything. I mean that literally, as in that biblical "King of Kings" sort of way. Given that, it's no surprise that he's wise, brave, and well, god-like.

8. Puss in Boots

(voiced by Antonio Banderas)

Natural Habitat: Shrek sequels and prequels

What is he? A domestic shorthair tabby, or a cute li'l kitty cat - your choice

What do smart people call them? Felis silvestris catus

Fun Fact: The technical term for a cat's hairball is "bezoar"

You gotta love a sword fighting cat that's also a ladies' man, right? If you don't, he'll melt your cold, icy heart with the most pitiful set of sad eyes you've ever seen. I mean, can we get Puss in Boots 2 already?

7. Po

(voiced by Jack Black)

Natural Habitat: Kung Fu Panda movies

What is he? A panda

What do smart people call them? Ailuropoda melanoleuca

Fun Fact: Pandas spend roughly 16 hours a day eating

Simply put, I love the Kung Fu Panda franchise. Both function as wonderful kiddie-flicks and excellent martial arts movies. Po is at the center of it all, giving us a terrific hero and probably the best character Jack Black has ever played.

6. Roger Rabbit

(voiced by Charles Fleischer)

Natural Habitat: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

What is he? A rabbit

What do smart people call them? Oryctolagus cuniculus

Fun Fact: In the wild some female rabbits can produce about eight litters of bunnies per year.

Okay, I'll be honest. Roger is here mostly because I've never seen a good Bugs Bunny movie. However, that doesn't make him any less fun a character. Besides that, he has arguably the hottest wife of all time. I mean, after mine, of course.

5. Jiminy Cricket

(voiced by Cliff Edwards)

Natural Habitat: Pinocchio and all things Disney

What is he? A cricket

What do smart people call them? Gryllus assimilis

Fun Fact: Crickets' ears are located on the knees of their front legs

More than just a cute little fellow in an adorable suit, Jiminy actually provides our hero with a conscience. He is the angel sitting on the wooden boy's shoulder.

4. Scar

(voiced by Jeremy Irons)

Natural Habitat: The Lion King

What is he? A lion.

What do smart people call them? Panthera Leo

Fun Fact: The roar of a lion can be heard five miles away

I know that Mufasa's iconic voice is provided by the legendary James Earl Jones. I know that Simba is the hero. However, watch The Lion King again and tell me it's not Scar who makes the movie tick.

3. Dory

(voiced by Ellen DeGeneres)

Natural Habitat: Finding Nemo

What is she? A regal blue tang

What do smart people call them? Paracanthurus hepatus

Fun Fact: Blue tangs are capable of adjusting the intensity of their hue - from light blue to deep purple

Finally, we have a female on the list. Sadly, she's the only one. However, this doesn't make her any less deserving as she is by far my favorite character in a great movie. I can't wait for Finding Dory.

2. Napoleon

(voiced by Maurice Denham)

Natural Habitat: Animal Farm

What is he? A domestic pig

What do smart people call them? Sus scrofa domesticus

Fun Fact: Pigs are widely accepted to be smarter than human children up to 3 years of age

Another villain finds his way onto the list. Napoleon is used to represent many of society's ills of the 1950s and he is a masterful one. Animal Farm is a great movie based on a great book. Fun facts about the movie: it was the first British animated film to get a theatrical release and Maurice Denham voiced all of the animals.

1. Caesar

(voiced by Andy Serkis)

Natural Habitat: Rebooted Planet of the Apes franchise

What is he? A common chimpanzee

What do smart people call them? Pan troglodytes

Fun Fact: Chimpanzees make and use tools for more purposes than any other creatures except human beings

Perhaps I'm just basking in the afterglow of my viewing of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Or, maybe Caesar is a piece of truly genius filmmaking, both technically and emotionally complex. Either way you want to paint the picture, he gets my top spot.

I know. I missed your favorite, or at least a character you feel is worth mentioning. Let me know what you think.

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Machete Kills

Directed by Robert Rodriguez.

2013. Rated R, 107 minutes.

Cast:

Danny Trejo

Demian Bichir

Mel Gibson

Sofia Vergara

Amber Heard

Charlie Sheen/Carlos Estevez

Michelle Rodriguez

William Sadler

Walton Goggins

Cuba Gooding Jr.

Antonio Banderas

Lady Gaga

Vanessa Hudgens

Jessica Alba

Machete (Trejo), our favorite ex-Federale, is back. As sequels must, things start off on a sour note for our hero as his partner/girlfriend Sartana (Alba) is killed during a bust gone bad. He himself is about to be taken out by corrupt Texas law man Sheriff Doakes (Sadler) (are there any other kind in a Machete movie?), when the phone rings and none other than the Commander-in-Chief himself, Pres. Rathcock (Sheen/Estevez), demands that he be flown to White House immediately. Once there, the president asks Machete to go to Mexico and assassinate Mendez (Birchir), an ex-cartel member who has acquired a nuclear bomb he is threatening to use on the U.S. Machete's pay for this job? His criminal record will be expunged and he will immediately be granted full citizenship in this country. Mayhem ensues.

The citizenship angle is important, or at least it would be, if this were the first movie. That one immersed itself in nearly all of the issues associated with the immigration debate. This one starts down that same road, but it rather quickly detours, concerning itself with being as zany as possible. Unfortunately, what's left has no gravity and our tale goes spinning off into the atmosphere. Literally. As in we wind up in space. Don't worry, that's no spoiler. We are told right at the beginning that the next installment in the franchise will be Machete Kills Again...in Space. Without the weightiness of an issue to hold it together, the movie never connects with us on any level. Its predecessor consistently went hard at the issue it attacked. Even if you disagreed with its basic stance, there was something to grasp. Here, there is not.

Like the first movie, we get a never ending succession of jokes. The difference is that in its predecessor, with the immigration issue as its anchor, it shaped itself into a sharp, if ultra-violent and exploitive, political satire. Instead, this aimlessly throws as much against the wall as it can and hope some of it sticks. Some of it does. Director Rodriguez really stretches his imagination to come up with a plethora of outrageous occurrences. Some of them make us say 'wow,' while others make us laugh. The problem is that rather than being part of a cohesive whole and sustaining its humor, these jokes are all stand alones, fleeting moments of comically presented gore. The one strand of consistency is that no matter where we are in the movie, we'll soon get a reference to an older movie. Most often, and most overtly that reference is to Star Wars. This usually works. Other times, we get the director paying homage to his own past work which is a bit narcissistic, to say the least. This usually doesn't work.

It's not all bad, though. We do have some fun performances. Danny Trejo is once again spot on perfect as the titular Machete. It's a wonderful deadpan that would make Steven Wright proud. YouTube him, young'uns. William Sadler gets to go over the top as that crooked law man and does a nice job. It was nice to see him just cut completely loose. The same can be said for Mel Gibson in a bad guy role. As much as we say we hate him these days, he was pretty good in this flick. Weirdly, Walton Goggins, Cuba Gooding Jr., Antonio Banderas, and Lady Gaga all play the same person (La Cameleon). It doesn't quite fit anything that's going on and is odd more than it is good, but is interesting. For the top prize, there is a tie between Charlie Sheen and Sofia Vergara. Sheen, billed under his birth name of Carlos Estevez in a nod to the whole immigration thing, is wonderfully cast as the most fun president the United States has ever had. While not realistic in any way, he's still a blast to watch. Vergara chews scenery with reckless abandon, playing every scene to the hilt. It helps that she's often outfitted with some of the director's versions of biological weapons, including the pecker gun he used in From Dusk 'Til Dawn. She makes every bit of it work and is the most fun part of the film, along with Sheen.

Machete Kills is a movie I could see some people loving because of the outrageousness of the action, the fun performances, the ridiculous humor, and a few quotable lines ("Machete don't tweet"). For me, it didn't quite come together like it did the first time. Almost all of the focus has been removed in the name of making the sequel a "bigger" movie than its predecessor. It is. The third, if they actually complete it, promises to be even bigger. However, the director has already seemed to lose his way with this franchise. At his best, Rodriguez brings his limitless imagination for morbid, twisted humor and welds it to an intensely focused narrative purpose to create, as our New England friends might say, a wicked good time. This time, the latter part of the equation is missing. There is some fun to be had. However, if you enjoyed the first one, even if you couldn't pinpoint it, you might be struck with the unsettling feeling that something is off. In some instances, way off.

Frida

Directed by Julie Taymor.

2002. Rated R, 123 minutes.

Cast:

Salma Hayek

Alfred Molina

Geoffrey Rush

Valeria Golino

Diego Luna

Antonio Banderas

Mía Maestro

Edward Norton

Saffron Burrows

Ashley Judd

The life and times of real life Mexican artist Frida Kahlo (Hayek). We meet her as a young woman spying on an extra-marital affair by Diego Rivera (Molina), her country’s most famous artist. A short while later, Frida is badly injured when the trolley she is riding in has an accident. Doctors tell her she may never walk again. Of course she does, and it indeed affects her the rest of her life, but this isn’t the story. The story actually begins with her discovering her passion and ability for painting while confined to her bed. Soon, she seeks the counsel of none other than Rivera whom, if you couldn’t tell, is as renowned for his womanizing as he is for his artwork. The two embark on a tumultuous lifelong love affair.

In the titular role, Salma Hayek is an unstoppable force of nature. She emanates an irresistible flame that torches the screen. Aided by a prominent unibrow, Hayek is simply impossible to look away from. It is a magnificent performance starting with the very first time we see her. Since one great turn deserves another, what Hayek accomplishes is certainly complemented, and might not be possible, without the work of Alfred Molina as Rivera. He is essentially the perfect trampoline for her to bounce off. Seemingly everything she does is in reaction to him, even when he is not in the scene. To his credit, Molina doesn’t wither in her storms. He plays Diego as a large man, both literally and figuratively, with enormous pride and appetites. This isn’t a guy who curls up fetally when his woman is on a tirade. He constantly reminds her, and us, that she knew who he was right from the start.

Along the way, director Julie Taymor adds some very nice touches that are nods to artists in general, and these two in particular. At times, characters themselves fade in or out of a painting. Other times, Frida’s work literally comes to life. On a few occasions, even less conventional things happen. It’s a wonderful way of adding layers to the film without endless exposition. Showing is more powerful than telling. The film does a great deal of showing this way and manages to do so without subtracting from the idea that we are watching a movie about real people.

One area where the movie doesn’t do enough showing or telling is in regards to how she came to be so important to the Mexican people. We’re told often how good her work is, but just piles up in a back room of her house. Diego often lets well connected people give it a look. Eventually, this lands her a gig in Paris. Next thing we know she’s suddenly an icon in her native land. We never see any growth in her status. We are just told it is.

Even if the movie could have done a better job at explaining the public side of her life, it so thoroughly and zestfully goes over the private side, we can’t help being enthralled. Here is a woman with so much passion it rubs off on everyone around her, including us in the audience. We lover her regardless of whether or not we are into art or agree with her politics. This is the towering achievement of Frida.

The Skin I Live In

Directed by Pedro Almodóvar.

2011. Rated R, 120 minutes.
Cast:
Antonio Banderas

Elena Anaya

Marisa Paredes

Jan Cornet

Roberto Álamo

Blanca Suárez

Susi Sánchez

Bárbara Lennie

Eduard Fernández

If you’re familiar with the work of director Pedro Almodóvar then, like me, you’ve seen some wonderfully warped films. Strained relationships between parent and child is one commonly occurring aspect. Others are betrayal and sexual identity. Though the two are always present, they don’t necessarily have anything to do with one another. Their importance to each tale varies. The stories are expertly told psychological dramas at their core and branch out into mysteries, revenge fables and other tragedies. The Skin I Live In both follows suit and ups the ante by including elements of horror.

Dr. Robert Ledgard (Banderas) is a popular and wealthy surgeon working on something very important. During a lecture, he informs them he’s been successful in creating an artificial skin that is resistant to burns and insect bites. He says this is integral to the field of reconstructive surgery for burn victims and people with skin disorders. He also tells them he’s been testing this on lab mice with amazing results. However, we learn that he’s really been testing this on a woman he’s been keeping captive in a room adjacent to his bedroom at his estate. Her name is Vera (Anaya) and, perhaps understandably given the circumstances, she’s suicidal.

It is instantly apparent that the two have developed an odd relationship. He watches her from his room, operates on her when needed and seems to genuinely care for her. Though willing to kill herself, she appears on the verge of Stockholm Syndrome, either falling in love with her captor or cunningly making a play for her escape. Through Robert’s trusted servant Marilla, played by Almodóvar regular Marisa Paredes, that Vera bears a possibly unhealthy resemblance to his late wife. To say anything more would be spoiling things.

Trust me, the stuff that follows deserve not to be spoiled. Our journey is a winding trail down the path of the bizarre. Emotions, motives and desperation repeatedly collide with disastrous results. The ethics of any of these people is shaky at best, to begin with. They get completely tossed aside in favor of easing one’s own pain.

To say things spiral out of control is a massive understatement. It would be more accurate for me to say The Grand Canyon is just a hole. The degenerating lives of these people keep us watching in wide-eyed and slack-jawed amazement. Even after we figure out the massive twist about midway through, we just have to know where this is going. When we finally get to the last scene, the depth of all that has occurred to that point sinks in. It’s a moment that the people involved need to be a happy one, but it’s far more chilling and completely beyond the scope of their comprehension.

Through it all, Antonio Banderas gives a superb performance. He’s morose, yet oblivious to the fact since he’s secure that what he’s doing will bring about happiness for all involved. Even as Marilla warns him and pleads with him, he’s dismissive of the idea he could be in the wrong. His logic is simple: Trust me, I’m a doctor and I know what I’m doing. Paredes as Marilla and Anaya as Vera are similarly brilliant making this a very well-acted movie.

If there is a drawback to TSILI is that for some viewers, the envelope is pushed too far. Not merely strange, things can get repulsive at multiple points along the way. Sometimes one already loathsome act becomes worse in retrospect. For instance, there is a rather graphic rape scene. In itself, it could be difficult to sit through. Thirty minutes later, after we’ve gleamed more details, it becomes even more horrific. To put it bluntly, if you’re not already a fan of Almodóvar’s work you may be in for the shock of your life. If you can get past that, you’ll find a terrifically twisted tale that’s uncomfortable in a good way. Then again, you may not make it through the whole thing, wish you’d never started and say a prayer for all of us sick souls singing its praises.

Haywire

Puss in Boots

Directed by Chris Miller.

2011. Rated PG, 90 minutes.
Cast:
Antonio Banderas

Zach Galifianakis
Salma Hayek
Billy Bob Thornton
Amy Sedaris
Constance Marie
Guillermo del Toro
Tom McGrath
Tom Wheeler

Already wanted for robbing to Bank of San Ricardo, Puss in Boots (Banderas) decides to steal the legendary magic beans. Planting them will grow the giant beanstalk leading to the land of giants. Once there, he hopes to steal the goose that lays the golden eggs. Getting the beans isn’t going to be easy because they’re possessed by the murderous outlaw couple Jack (Thornton) and Jill (Sedaris). Soon, Puss in not alone in his quest. He runs into an old friend that once betrayed him. The friend also wants the magic beans and has a plan to get them. Begging forgiveness and a chance to make things right between them, he enlists Puss to help him. This friend is none other than Humpty Alexander Dumpty (Galifianakis).

Like the Shrek franchise its spun from, Puss in Boots takes many well-worn fairy tales and breathes new life into them by reimagining the characters closer to our reality, yet still maintaining much of the wonder of their capabilities and surroundings. For instance, Jack and Jill haven’t only evolved into murderous outlaws, they’re also a couple arguing about whether or not to have a baby. PiB isn’t the outright deconstruction of fairy tales that Shrek is, but definitely views them through a wonderfully skewed prism.

Other genres are dragged into the fray and enhance the movie a bit more. Starting with her name and carrying through her actions our hero’s love interest, Kitty Softpaws (Hayek) is downright Bond girl-esque. There’s also nods to westerns, dance movies and of course, Zorro whom Banderas not so coincidentally portrayed twice for the big screen.

Speaking of Banderas, he is once again perfect as the sword fighting, milk drinking, lady loving cat. The same suaveness he brings to his live-action roles is translated in his voice-work. The rest of the characters were also well-voiced without overdoing it. Even Galifianakis, who has the showiest role, manages to keep it just restrained enough to not come off as over-exuberant.

More than anything, what helps PiB is that it has a freshness the last couple Shrek don’t. It’s not burdened by carrying on the whole of Shrek’s life and his ever-expanding family, nor carrying the weight of a franchise. It does enough of its own thing to prove more than worthy of becoming a separate entity.

MY SCORE: 7/10

Shrek Forever After

Directed by Mike Mitchell.
2010. Rated PG, 93 minutes.
Cast:
Mike Myers
Cameron Diaz
Eddie Murphy
Antonio Banderas
Walt Dorhn
Jane Lynch
Craig Robinson
Julie Andrews
John Cleese
Jon Hamm

Shrek (Myers) is struggling with the monotony of family life, and the loss of privacy brought on by the celebrity his adventures have earned him. He longs for the days when he was a single, and feared, ogre, free to take a mud bath in peace. This leads him to sign a deal with Rumplestilskin (Dohrn) for just one day to enjoy as the monster he once was. If you’ve paid any attention to the first three movies in the series, you know things in Far Far Away are never quite so easy. Needless to say, the deal comes with plenty of strings attached. Suffice it to say that Shrek once again finds himself trying to find true love’s kiss.

In keeping with the direction the franchise has taken, this fourth installment is a more straight-forward adventure than the ruthless deconstruction of the fairy-tale that was the original. Here, Shrek finds himself in an alternate reality and Fiona to be the leader of “the resistance” against the rule of Rumplestilskin. There’s lots of swashbuckling and Shrek trying to convince everyone that what he’s saying is true. There are lots of references to the original movie, but like I said not as much of that same style of humor. There is some, such as when we first meet The Pied Piper. When it goes down that road is when it is most successful. That said, there are other moments that work quite well.

Forever After suffers from predictability and constantly using the original as a crutch. It also gives its action scenes more responsibility. The franchis is at its best when the action supplements the humor. This movie has it reversed, the humor only supplements the action, and it is less intriguing because of it. However, its still a fun ride that for all its flaws, is a step up from the lackluster Shrek the Third.

MY SCORE: 6.5/10