31 Days of Horror 2018: The House with a Clock in Its Walls

31 Days of Horror: Death Note

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

47 Ronin

Directed by Carl Rinsch.

2013. Rated PG-13, 118 minutes.

Cast:

Keanu Reeves

Hiroyuki Sanada

Tadanabu Asano

Rinko Kikuchi

Ko Shibasaki

Min Tanaka

Jin Akanishi

Masayoshi Haneda

Gedde Watanabe

We find out right away that Ronin are samurais who have disgraced their masters. Then, we don't meet any of them for a really, really long time. And the ones we do meet, we don't care about.

Oh, wait. I'm getting way ahead of myself.

Let's start with Kai (Reeves). A long time ago in a galaxy not far enough away, he's a young man who is the foster son of the good Lord Asano (Tanaka). However, since he's of interracial descent, Japanese and white, he isn't the most popular guy in town. You know things are bad when you non-chalantly answer to "half-breed." For this reason, and because he's played by Keanu Reeves, Kai seems eternally depressed and wears a blank expression on his face. That's before we even get to the real bad things that happen to him. That stuff starts when Lord Kira (Asano) and his personal sorceress, the very creatively named Witch (Kikuchi) show up. She tricks Lord Asano into committing a heinous crime for which he is sentenced to death. His right hand man Oishi (Sanada) is branded a Ronin and thrown into a hole in the ground. Asano's daughter Mika (Shibasaki) is told she will marry Kira in one year's time. Kai, our hero, is promptly sold into slavery. When that year passes, Oishi is let out of his hole, tracks down Kai plus 46 fellow Ronin, and go after Kira. This is all very loosely based on a true story. Really loosely. Matter of fact, if you have any knowledge of it, just scrap it for the purpose of watching this movie. Hell, I'm even going to pick apart my own summary of the film for you. Out of everything I just wrote, here's what you need to know: it's all over a girl. That's it.

Simple, right?

Wrong.

It should have been.

Instead, the movie plays out in an excruciatingly convoluted and increasingly boring fashion. It mixes Samurai lore with the purely mystical to less than thrilling effect. It's bread and butter should be sword heavy martial arts. When it gives us this, the movie is at least a little fun. Unfortunately, it spends far more time with our hero and his "friends" tip-toeing around in the woods talking to magical beings and spouting pseudo-philosophical declarations at one another. It wants to be Takashi Miike's 13 Assassins, but with a supernatural element. it's actually an even messier and far less exciting version of 2011's Conan the Barbarian, itself an incoherent slab of movie. This is definitely prettier, having some top notch production values. However, I'll say what I've said before. Pretty pictures do not a movie make. In this case, it's lipstick on a pig. That might make it a great looking pig, but I still don't want to kiss it.

You know what? I haven't even dug into Keanu Reeves' performance, yet. Or, should I say his lack of one? Truthfully, it's no more or less than what I expect. He gave us a non-descript villain in the better, but not great Man of Tai Chi. Here? You watch it and let me know if you detect a pulse. I'd say his rebranding of himself as a martial arts star isn't going too well. A quick glance at the numbers seem to refute my assessment, though. 47 Ronin stumbled its way to a $150 million take at the box office. However, you have to factor in what it cost to make such a beautiful mess. It had a budget of $175 million. Yeah, I'm right. Always.

Oz the Great and Powerful

Cloud Atlas

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

Life of Pi

Directed by Ang Lee.

2012. Rated PG-13, 127 minutes.

Cast:

Suraj Sharma

Irrfan Khan

Ayush Tandon

Gautam Belur

Rafe Spall

Tabu

Adil Hussain

Gérard Depardieu

James Saito

Pi, played by Irrfan Khan as an adult, has a story that will make you believe in God. At least, that’s what the (unnamed) writer (Spall) has been told. He’s sought out Pi to hear this tale for himself. It details the events of Pi’s survival of a shipwreck all alone on a lifeboat. Well, he’s all alone except for a zebra, a hyena, and most dangerously, a none too friendly tiger name Richard Parker.

The shipwreck happens when Pi is fifteen years old, then played by Suraj Sharma. Before this we get his life story up to that point. It’s a wonderful setup for what’s to follow. Relationships between he and his family, particularly his father, are established. Enveloped within this framework is the boy’s relationship with the tiger. There is both humor and pathos at work here, and very effectively at that. We feel we really know this young man and understand the thirst of his spirit.

When we get to Pi adrift on the ocean trying to figure out how to survive both the elements and his company, Sharma takes over the movie. If you’re going to be the only person on the screen for long stretches of time, you’d better be a compelling personality. He is indeed that. He’s also aided by Richard Parker. The dynamics of their circumstances is tremendously watchable and maintains a certain charm throughout.

Also charming are the visuals. Richard Parker is certainly included as he is mostly cgi. He, and the rest of what we see is splendid. There is never a moment when we doubt that our hero is face to face with this magnificent beast. The danger he represents is certainly palpable. This helps the movie turn a difficult trick. Despite our knowledge that the older version of the young man we’re watching is narrating, we still feel that his life is at risk. At least, it’s at risk enough to keep us engaged. The rest of the film is wonderful looking, as well. The storm scenes are especially spectacular as is the island scene, with ridiculously lush greens and meerkats as far as the eye can see.

Visuals alone do not make a great movie, Zack Snyder. They work best when in support of an intriguing story. Things work this way in Life of Pi. We’re often drawn to the edge of our seat. Then, at the end, our brain gets challenged a bit. Is what we've seen the truth or just a colorful metaphor? Does it really matter which? What proof does it offer of God’s existence? We can have fun with all of those questions after we've had fun watching Pi navigate difficult waters.

Including this one, I've only seen five of the twelve full-length features directed by Ang Lee. Until now, I’ve only liked one, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but I contend that it’s overrated. Even more overrated is Brokeback Mountain. It won Best Picture, but I don’t even think it was the best LGBT picture that year. Transamerica was a far superior movie and Mysterious Skin was ten times better than them both. Taking Woodstock was a ball of “meh” and don’t even get me started on that giant sleeping pill Hulk. If you shared my point of view, you’d understand why I wasn't really buying into the hype surrounding Life of Pi. However, I’ll admit that Mr. Lee has crafted a winner with this one.

Ink

Directed by Jamin Winans.

2009. Rated PG-13, 106 minutes.

Cast:

Chris Kelly

Quinn Hunchar

Jessica Duffy

Jennifer Batter

Eme Ikwuakor

Shelby Malone

Jeremy Make

John (Kelly) is a widower who has lost custody of his little girl Emma (Hunchar) to his in-laws due to some struggles with drugs and alcohol. They won’t even let him see her even though he’s overcome those obstacles and is a very successful businessman. Things change when Emma has a seizure and falls into a coma. That’s when the in-laws come calling for John, who may or may not go to his daughter’s side. What none of them understand is that the battle for her life is being waged by a group of warriors who exist outside of our awareness, but protect our souls. Emma’s soul has been kidnapped by Ink, a dark and morose creature looking to move up in the bad guy ranks.

This is an intriguing tale, not least of all because it keeps us busy trying to figure out what one half of the story has to do with the other. We’re introduced to the more fantastic side of things first. It’s a Matrix inspired take on the concept of guardian angels. As a result, we get fight scenes bolstered by the use of some interesting special fx. Mostly, it’s things coming back together after having been broken in the heat of battle. Between the action sequences we see the good guys prepare to face the bad guys, early on. Later, it becomes a war of wills between Ink and Liev (Duffy), our last hope to save Emma. The more traditional side of things is fairly simple, but helped along by the same folks trying to help the little girl. It is when these people, whom John has no idea of, intervene most directly in his life that the movie sizzles. The tension bubbles to the surface and we really feel the struggle between the various factions.

The problems with this movie are mostly superficial, but easily noticeable. Chiefly, the ambitions of the story seem to exceed the budget. Effects, costuming and even fight choreography all work individually. When pulled together, some of those binding elements are lacking. For one, the haze often around the edges of the frame is meant to give things a dreamy feel but comes across as a cheap, and cheaply employed trick. Similarly, the score inspires annoyance more than the somberness it seems to be going for. The pace is also a bit clunky. Most bothersome is that the acting leaves much to be desired. In the lead, Chris Kelly is fine and, surprisingly, so is Quinn Hunchar as his daughter. Even the bad guys are pretty good, in a creepy emotionless way. Unfortunately, our heroes are a mostly wooden lot.

Due to the fact that the movie is very well written by Jamin Winans, who also directed, Ink manages to survive its faults. More than that, it goes about it’s business in a manner different enough that it deserves to be seen. As proof of this, it has developed a cult following since it’s release. People who praise it are hooked by the wonderful story-telling. And it all leads to an ending that works as an intriguing revelation, giving us something to discuss which is always good.

Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame

Directed by Hark Tsui.

2010. Rated PG-13, 119 minutes.

Cast:

Andy Lau

Carina Lau

Bingbing Li

Chao Deng

Tony Leung Ka Fai

We kick things off in the year 689 A.D. Empress Wu (Carina Lau) is about to crowned as the first female ruler of China. As you might imagine, this ruffles the feathers of many men. It probably doesn't help that she’s having a giant monument to herself built a mere sixty-six yards from where her coronation is to take place. During the final days of its construction, a high-ranking government official who is giving a tour to a visiting dignitary, spontaneously bursts into flames and falls to his death. Not much is left of him, save for his shoes. A short while later, another official suffers the same fate, suddenly catching fire and dying right in full view of the empress. A couple of clues lead everyone to think this has something to do with what happened in the province of Dee eight years ago. Therefore, they must hire the only man who can possibly solve this case, Detective Dee (Andy Lau). Of course, Detective Dee has been in prison over that span for treason. You see, he was one of those men and publicly opposed Wu’s ascension to the throne. Now that she needs his help, she’s willing to let bygones be bygones and sends Jing’er (Li), her most trusted bodyguard to retrieve the detective and get this case cracked so her coronation can go off without a hitch.

Since this is a martial arts picture, we must first judge this movie on just that, martial arts. The legendary Sammo Hung handles the choreography here and, truthfully, I’m disappointed with his effort. There’s lots of wire work, fitting for a story that incorporates a lot of magic. Therefore, characters fly around effortlessly and perform unbelievably acrobatic feats. This is fine, but the fighting itself is less than thrilling, save for one or two sequences nearer to the start of the movie than the end. It seems there is often a lot more chasing than kung-fuing.

Now, about that story. It’s cluttered, to say the least. It moves forward as a police procedural with the very Sherlock Holmes-esque Dee trying to solve the crime (murder, if I hadn't made that clear). He simply intuits an awful lot (everyone does, actually) and, naturally, he’s always right. This creates so many strands it gets to be a very crowded picture. There is another high-ranking official trying to keep Wu from the throne and/or get Dee to join his cause, he and Jing’er’s infatuation with each other, a couple different trips to magical locales, the possibly evil and supernatural chaplain, the back-story of Dee’s weapon (“the dragon taming mace”), fun with transfiguration, and talking deer. Um, yeah, talking deer. One shows up periodically to, more or less, explain character motivations. The beast itself is eventually explained, but it’s all very goofy. It only gets goofier when a bunch of bad CGI deer are used during a fight scene. It’s a bad idea and worse execution.

Even worse than the execution of everything involving deer is that scene where the bad guy spills the beans. You know the scene, the one where the villain appears to have the hero beat so he proceeds to explain his entire plan that he says is too late to foil while cackling maniacally. Yeah, that scene. In general, I’m okay with this because I know it’s coming and, just like the bad guy always says, there’s nothing I can do to stop it. The problem here is that once everything has been explained, we come to the realization that, in this case, if the bad guy had done absolutely nothing, committed no prior crimes whatsoever, he would've realized his ultimate goal without so much as a hiccup. In other words, I could have been spared this entire movie. Sigh. Consider my loss your gain and avoid this flick even if you are a hardcore martial arts junkie.

Wrath of the Titans

Directed by Jonathan Liebesman.

2012. Rated PG-13, 99 minutes.

Cast:

Sam Worthington

Liam Neeson

Rosamund Pike

Ralph Fiennes

Bill Nighy

Toby Kebbell

Édgar Ramirez

Danny Huston

Lily James

John Bell

Kathryn Carpenter

Even though he’s half-god, Perseus (Worthington) has made it clear to his father Zeus (Neeson) he wants nothing to do with those snobs on Mount Olympus. Still, the old man comes sniveling back, begging Perseus to save their hides. Zeus’ dad Kronos is a little ornery over being defeated by his boys eons earlier and wants a return match. After Kronos starts killing off gods and threatens both the gods and man alike, you know who reluctantly joins the fray. He enlists the help of Queen Andromeda (Pike), her army and his cousin, fellow half-god Agenor (Kebbell). In case you’re somehow not sure, this is the sequel to the 2010 remake of Clash of the Titans.

That last sentence sums up a lot of what people think is wrong with Hollywood. It’s what they point to as evidence of the movie industry’s lack of original though. This is particularly true of the blockbusters flooding the multiplexes every summer; an endless procession of sequels, prequels, remakes, reboots and re-imaginings heavy on techno wizardry and light on substance. These generalizations might seem unfair in a review on any one film in particular. However, Wrath of the Titans must wear the shoe it fits.

Sam Worthington adds another to his repertoire of bland protagonists. Liam Neeson does what Liam Neeson does: use his booming voice to give his character an air of authority. However, he spends most of the movie on the sidelines. Pike just looks pretty as Queen Andromeda. Most bizarrely, Kebbell as Agenor seems to be impersonating Russell Brand. As simple as the plot seems, its execution is jumbled. It doesn't always make sense and a general mess is made of Greek mythology. In short, stuff just keeps happening whether it’s logical or not.

On the plus side, that stuff keeps the movie somewhat interesting. There is tons of action as our heroes try to save both the Earth and the heavens. Creature designs are generally fantastic and they tear up things pretty well. The one exception being our main baddy. He’s a little too out of whack with everything else and getting anywhere near him should cause death. Sadly, it doesn't because then our hero wouldn't be able to be heroic. There is some heavy-handedness about father-son and sibling relationships. Honestly, this doesn't bother me since it at least makes sense. More troublesome is the weirdly atheist undertones. As I've said in reviews of other films there are good, even excellent movies from that point of view. The problem here is it feels needlessly subversive to its own subject matter. Combined with all the poetic license taken with the characters we get the feeling the people who made Wrath of the Titans don’t exactly appreciate Greek mythology.

Much like its predecessor, Wrath isn't the worst movie in the world. It’s just not a good one, either. The visuals work very well. Full disclosure: I did not watch either of the franchise’s movies in 3D which I’ve heard complaints about, especially in regards to the first film. The action keeps things moving along nicely and it’s thankfully short at ninety-nine minutes. Unfortunately, the characters are dull and/or given nothing to do and what’s happening around them doesn't always add up.

MY SCORE: 5/10 

John Carter

Directed by Andrew Stanton.

2012. Rated PG-13, 132 minutes.

Cast:

Taylor Kitsch

Lynn Collins

Mark Strong

Samantha Morton

Willem Dafoe

Thomas Haden Church

Ciarán Hinds

Dominic West

James Purefoy

Bryan Cranston

Polly Walker

Daryl Sabara

Civil War vet John Carter (Kitsch) spends all of his time searching for a fabled cave full of gold. The Confederate Army wants to press him back into service. They capture John, he runs away, they give chase and start a little skirmish with some Native Americans who happen to be in the way. Our hero runs some more and practically falls into the cave he seeks. The only problem is there’s a strange looking dude already there. He and John get into it and bada-boom, bada-bing, John winds up on Mars, here called Barsoom, trying to save the planet from a budding tyrant who is getting some special help. Why yes, there is a pretty girl involved. Her name is Dejah Thoris (Collins). She’s a princess being forced by her father to marry the bad guy as a means of potentially saving their empire. You see, the king doesn’t watch movies and doesn’t know that these sorts of arrangements never work out the way you’d like. Oh, one other thing, while on Mars John can leap tall buildings in a single bound. Almost.

Almost is a good word to describe the movie as a whole. By almost, I mean it’s almost good. Visually, it is quite the treat. Narratively, it is not. Once our hero gets to Mars we get eyefuls of interesting creatures and scenes of swashbuckling that feel simultaneously futuristic and primitive. The action comes often enough, usually in the form of chase scenes, highlighting the things John Carter does well. It’s between those scenes where the issues lie.

The story itself suffers from over-familiarity. It’s strictly paint-by-numbers with no deviation from the beaten path. From the moment John reaches Mars his next step always feels pre-ordained. In short, we’ve seen this many times before. You know the drill: escape here, decide to help the natives there, realize you’re in love with the princess here, and so on. In fact, it too closely follows the template set by Avatar, sans the “go green” agenda. That movie has many of the same flaws (awful dialogue, forced love story, bloated length, etc) but is even more of a spectacle. Try as it might, JC never achieves the grandeur of Avatar making its flaws even more of factor.

For a light-hearted, kiddie-fied action flick JC isn’t really a terrible choice. It’s fairly fun and the two hours go by pretty quickly. It is likely to be a forgettable crowd pleaser. Sitting through it is pleasant enough. However, by time the credits roll, you’d be hard-pressed to differentiate it from any other movie where a stranger in strange land does what such heroes do.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

Snow White and the Huntsman

Directed by Rupert Sanders.

2012. Rated PG-13, 127 minutes.

Cast:

Kristen Stewart

Charlize Theron

Chris Hemsworth

Sam Claflin

Ian McShane

Bob Hoskins

Toby Jones

Eddie Marsan

Ray Winstone

Nick Frost

Lily Cole

Christopher Obi

Sam Spruell

The gang’s all here. Of course, there’s Snow White (Stewart) and, eventually, seven dwarves. It should go without saying that we have a wicked stepmother/Queen (Theron) and her knowledgeable, talkative mirror (Obi). Like any fairytale worth its pixie dust, there is also a prince (Claflin). Finally, there’s the guy who takes the dwarves’ place in the title, the huntsman (Hemsworth). The general parameters of the story are familiar. Mama White dies and a short while later her widowed hubby, the king, re-marries and finds himself all killed by his new bride. She takes over the kingdom, locks Snow White in a foreboding tower and brings in her mirror as her top consultant. Years later, Snow White manages a daring escape into the Dark Forest, a bit different from the most famous versions of the story. Since the queen’s powers are useless in that particular part of the kingdom, she hires the huntsman to track her down and bring her back.

Why the queen needs our heroine alive is part of the twist that provides this reimagining a darkness missing from the tale we’re used to, but a few steps closer to how it was originally told with regard to tone. The queen’s main purpose in life is maintaining her beauty, some semblance of youth and remaining fairest of them all. No matter what. To do this, she has young maidens hauled into the castle whom she robs of the qualities she desires, leaving them old, wrinkled and near death. She soon finds out that if she does the same to Snow White, she’ll no longer have that craving to satisfy.

There are some other twists, none hindering our recognition of the story we all know. The magic lies in the tricks played on our eyes. The purposefully drab interiors and pristine white snow filled exteriors make wonderful canvasses for splashes of color and quick striking, well executed special fx. All along the way we’re treated to images that seem sparse, but are deceptively lush. Our pupils dart around the screen grasping at fleeting flourishes of cgi goodness. Though not as big or overwhelming as in something like The Avengers, they’re perhaps more believable in their presentation. This includes our dwarves, all played by, for lack of a better term, normal sized actors. Apologies due to any little people who feel slighted by the phrase or being excluded from the cast. Still, it’s very nicely done.

Of course, fx alone don’t make a movie. The meat we readily chew on is the performance of Charlize Theron. She dominates the film much the way Julia Roberts does in the same role in 2012’s other Snow White flick, Mirror Mirror, but in a different fashion. Where Roberts’ queen cackles maniacally in the self-aware manner that lets us know she’s playing as much for laughs as she is menace, Theron’s queen has no clue she’s a character in a fairytale. She seethes, hisses and vampirically gains strength by literally draining it from others. Like the bloodsucker, she earns both our dread and the pity we reserve for one whose seemingly boundless power is really fueled by a fatal flaw. Perhaps, this flaw is really a thinly veiled commentary on our mass obsession with defeating Father Time. A less talented actress might have unconsciously imbued the character with more of the Roberts qualities, but being in the wrong movie, would undermine the seriousness with which this fantasy is approached. It would be like Cesar Romero’s Joker in Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight as opposed to Heath Ledger’s. Perfectly suited for the 1960s TV show, he’d be sorely out of place in the more realistic Gotham City. Obviously, the kingdom is not meant to be realistic but it is meant to evoke the Middle Earth of Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy (and upcoming movie The Hobbit), not Gilligan’s Island.

Since we brought up vampires and less talented actresses, let’s talk about the person whose character gets top billing, Kristen Stewart. Unsurprisingly, she’s a weak link but not as much as one would think. Thank goodness for low expectations, I guess. She “Bellas” her way through another role, albeit less depressingly, as her character actually wants to live as opposed to just yearning to be undead. Our rooting for her is due to our Pavlovian conditioning to do so for “the good guy,” not because she’s the least bit compelling. Trust me, she isn’t. If there is a movie where she is, I’d have to say it’s The Runaways, an underrated biopic about the 70s all-girl rock band of the same name. Even there, Dakota Fanning acts circles around her.

Our heroine’s shortcomings aside, I find Snow White and the Huntsman an enjoyable spin on the old tale. Admittedly, Theron is hamming it up, but she is so good at it we can’t help but be spellbound. Then there are those enticing visuals. They help drive the story rather than smother it beneath an avalanche of pixels. Liberties taken with the narrative are fun, if a tad predictable. In any event, they enhance the telling of this version, not desecrate our memory of others. It is by no means perfect, but it is fun without the corniness and boring stretches of the kiddie-fied Mirror Mirror.

MY SCORE: 7/10

Journey 2 the Mysterious Island

Directed by Brad Peyton.
2012. Rated PG, 94 minutes.

Cast:

Dwayne Johnson

Josh Hutcherson

Vanessa Hudgens

Michael Caine

Luis Guzman

Kristin Davis

The Rock…er…Dwayne Johnson in another benign family flick. Yaaayyy! This time he leads a cast of misfits in the sequel to 2008’s Journey to the Center of the Earth which stars Brendan Fraser, hence the “2” in the title. Clever, ain’t they? Or not. Could Fraser have possibly been too busy to do this one? Never mind. Like in the original, a group of people decide to try and actually locate a mythical location from a Jules Verne novel. Obviously our heroes, only one of whom is in the first flick, are trying to find “The Mysterious Island.” With only a single relevant character appearing in both movies, the strongest link between the films is the supposition that Verne was actually a historian and not a novelist. Okay, fine.

Despite the focus on The Rock’s bouncing boobs, more on that later, the story revolves around the kid from the first movie (Hutcherson). No, I don’t care what the character’s name is, just know that he’s played by the kid from The Hunger Games. In that movie he is trying to find his father whom he thinks is at the center of the Earth. Here, he’s searching for his grandfather whom he believes…do I really have to say it? The kid is also a grade A brat who can’t get along with his stepdad played by The Rock AKA Man Candy. In an unusual bonding effort, Man Candy decides to help the kid find the place in the title. Not surprisingly, getting there takes some serious effort and surviving some particularly foreboding weather. Think Bermuda Triangle. It also includes Vanessa Hudgens and her dad Luis Guzman, AKA the pretty girl and comic relief, respectively. Of course they make it. Of course, and this is not a spoiler, they find Alfred Pennyworth…er…Harry Brown…er…Michael Caine, the kid’s grandpa. The conflict of the movie isn’t getting to the Mysterious Island, it’s getting off.

You probably know how all this plays out, except for that whole thing about Man Candy’s bouncing boobs. I’ve long suspected the reason he is in so many of kiddie flicks is to give moms something to fawn over while the fam friendly fun drones on. Journey 2 confirms my suspicions. He dispenses sage advice to the kid on how to make women fall madly in love. Part of that advice is repeatedly, and alternately, flexing your pecs which he happily demonstrates. Yes, the shirt he wears throughout surely cuts off his circulation. The pic above doesn’t do it justice, you gotta see this thing in action. During this excruciatingly long scene I had to endure my wife’s taunts of “You can’t do that,” and my daughter noticing “I can see his nipples.” Yup, they were that obvious. Think J-Lo in Anaconda, only I didn’t enjoy looking at these. Rated PG my shiny black hiny.

I’m not insecure. Really.

Regardless, Journey 2 isn’t terrible. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it good, but you know what you’re getting, especially if you saw the first one (not essential viewing to enjoy this one) and/or the Will Ferrell flick Land of the Lost. It’s an adventure with a few funny moments, some interesting visuals and a cute puppy love story all wrapped in an inoffensive package. Inoffensive except for Man Candy’s chest twitching, that is. For him, I invoke the words of the late great (and fictional) Nino Brown (google him, young’uns): I never liked you anyway, pretty mother…I’ll shut my mouth because I’m tired of talkin’ ‘bout The Rock.

MY SCORE: Wait a sec…

Dear Mr. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson,

These are just the jokes of an angry little human. After all, everybody’s a comedian. If we were to ever meet in person I’d gladly proclaim that you are ‘The Man’ and invite you to dip your ever-poking-through-the-soft-material-of-your-shirt nipples in ink and use them to etch an autograph for my all-too-smitten-with-you wife. You just can’t do this upon her actual person or we will have to fight to my death. Okay, now...

MY SCORE: 5/10

Mirror Mirror

Directed by Tarsem Singh.

2012. Rated PG, 106 minutes.

Cast:

Julia Roberts

Lily Collins

Armie Hammer

Nathan Lane

Michael Lerner

Jordan Prentice

Danny Woodburn

Mark Povinelli

Martin Klebba

Ronald Lee Clark

Sean Bean

By now, the only reasons to dig up any of the known fairy tales are to subvert or deconstruct them. Mirror Mirror does neither, opting for yet another pretty straightforward retelling of “Snow White.” Sure, there are minor changes here and there, but nothing that would actually justify its existence. Don’t get me wrong. MM is not necessarily a bad movie. It’s just not necessary.

The main change in this version of the classic is that the proceedings are narrated by the Evil Queen (Roberts) who swears this is her story. She’s taxing the citizens of the kingdom so much and spending that money so fast, both they and she are broke. She inherited the kingdom from her late husband, whom she had killed, of course. Snow White (Collins) is locked away but manages to storm out of her quarters for the occasional temper tantrum. She even manages to sneak into one of the Queen’s balls which is where she meets the handsome Prince Alcott (Hammer). One of the Queen’s minions is tasked to kill the girl. However, he has not the heart. He marches her out to the woods and basically tells her to get lost and stay that way.

All of this leads to the other big change in MM. Snow White eventually runs into The Seven Dwarves. These guys don’t whistle while they work. That’s because bandits have to be quiet before they attack. See, these dwarves run around on stilts and rob anyone who ventures into the woods. Gone are the iconic names like Dopey, Sleepy, etc. and the personalities that come with them. This is a fairly indistinguishable lot. All we really need to know is that Snow White assumes the role of Robin Hood and they, her merry men. To this end, she gets to do most of the saving of her own day. I suppose this could be considered another twist but even that’s old hat, these days.

In other words, MM progresses as a Snow White movie must. Much of our time is spent watching Julia Roberts have a grand time being evil. She chews scenery with boundless verve in both of her roles. She also plays the mirror, by the way. It can either be fun to watch or painfully annoying. I wouldn’t fault anyone who thought it was either. Regardless of which way you lean, you’ll agree the movie is fairly lifeless when she’s not on the screen. Even the kids in the target audience are likely to have a “been there, done that” reaction to it all. I fully expect there are legions of little girls that proclaim this “the bestest movie evar!” I’ve no problem with that. After all, it’s a story about a princess. I’m just not sure they’ve gotten anything different than they’ve already gotten from dozens of other movies.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

Conan the Barbarian

Directed by Marcus Nispel.

2011. Rated R, 113 minutes.
Cast:
Jason Momoa
Rachel Nichols
Stephen Lang
Rose McGowan
Saïd Taghmaoui
Leo Howard
Ron Perlman
Bob Sapp

The people involved in making the 2011 version of Conan the Barbarian would like you to know that it has absolutely nothing to do with the 1982 movie which helped Arnold Schwarzenegger become a star. With that in mind, I’ll not mention “The Governator” or that film again. This movie is based more directly on the works of Robert E. Howard who created the character about 80 years ago. If ever there were a movie strictly about swords and sorcery, this is it. Both are responsible for all manner of death and/or dismemberment.

Well, there is a plot cobbled together. It actually starts with the bad guy, Khalar Zym (Lang). His wife had been killed some time ago, I think I heard a thousand years. Hmph. Now, with the help of his sorceress daughter Marique, played by a barely recognizable Rose McGowan, he’s trying to find the one woman of pure Archerion blood so he can use her body to resurrect his bride. Together, they will rule the world! Muwahahahahaahaha! Ahem, sorry. Anyhoo, this twisted father and daughter team don’t just look for the pure blooded girl, they go from village to village killing or enslaving everyon that isn’t who they’re looking for. As fate would have it, they come upon little Conan’s village (the character is played by Howard as a child). They make the tiny warrior watch his father die (Perlman handles the dying, here), then they burn the place to the ground killing the rest of our hero’s people. Fast forward about a decade. The evil dad and his evil-er female spawn are still searching for that special someone and Conan is out for revenge.

Like any other flick, Conan has its strengths and weaknesses. It’s strength is obviously the non-stop bloody violence. Body parts are hacked off or literally beaten to a pulp with great regularity. They fly all over the place, too. After it was over, I had to sweep up some severed heads, arms and legs, several each. I’m having new carpet put in this week, the blood soaked right through.

On the weak side is everything else. For starters, there is no character development. Even as simplistic as the plot is, the story-telling is muddled. The dialogue is a cheesy form of Olde English and almost all of the acting is over the top. Despite a love scene that says otherwise, there is little chemistry between Conan and “it girl” Tamara (Nichols). Finally, for some reason they wasted money and runtime by having none other than Morgan Freeman narrate. Don’t get me wrong, if you need a narrator for your movie, Freeman is an outstanding choice. Just having him read the labels on cereal boxes will probably sound good. The problem is after he gives a long spiel explaining something, we’re given a scene that shows us the exact same thing. Pick one.

With regards to picking, that’s what you will have to do before seeing this. You have to decide, if you don’t know already, what floats your boat. Long review short: Conan is one long gory action scene with a pause for topless wenches (that’s in the credits), another pause for sex and a few brief pauses for talking…er…yelling and grunting. The story is told in a way that makes me believe my 12 year old nephew worked closely with the director. Is it fun to sit through? If you’re looking for wall-to-wall action, then the answer is yes. Is there anything at all here that will leave a lasting impression? No.

Gulliver's Travels

Directed by Rob Letterman.
2010. Rated PG, 85 minutes.
Cast:
Jack Black
Jason Segel
Emily Blunt
Amanda Peet
Billy Connolly
Chris O’Dowd
T.J. Miller
Stewart Scudamore
David Sterne

Occasionally, even actors who’s personas proceed them like to stretch their wings. They like to step away from what they’re known for, if for no other reason, to prove they can do something different. This is not that movie. The latest version of the classic tale Gulliver’s Travels is pure Jack Black through and through. Either he cracks you up, or he doesn’t. There isn’t much else to tip the scales in the movie’s favor. That’s because the story constructed around his hijinks and shenanigans is merely bland when it is at its very best. Most of the time it just takes all that’s good from its source material and pummels it into submission.

Our new Gulliver (Black) is a mail-room clerk at a New York City newspaper. Despite his near constant big talk he seems destined to remain at the same station in life until dying alone. In a desperate attempt to prove he’s more than hot air he decides to ask out writer Darcy (Peet) whom he’s had a crush on for five years. He botches this so bad he accidentally winds up with a promotion and gets assigned to write an article on the Bermuda Triangle. Yup, that’s what I said. Once in the legendary Triangle he’s sucked in by a heinous looking storm, knocked unconscious and deposited on the shores of a place called Liliput. When he wakes up he finds out he’s literally a giant, taller than their tallest buildings and he is being held captive. The Liliputians are also constantly battling their neighbors, the Blefuscians. That’s about all this movie has in common with the original story. From there, we get the normal Jack Black routine: anatomy and bodily fluid jokes, pratfalls, other sight gags and more empty big talk. Some of it is funny, most is not. Imagine another Black vehicle, Kung Fu Panda without the charm, animation or kung fu.

Since all of this plays out pretty much as expected, there is no reason for people who aren’t Jack Black fans to bother. It is precisely what he’s come to be known for. If you’re a fan of the original story, or even of earlier screen versions of Gulliver’s Travels I suggest you avoid this movie at all cost or you will be severely disappointed. On the other hand, if you’re looking for something fairly innocuous, have at it.

MY SCORE: 3/10

Big Fish

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Directed by Michael Apted.
2010. Rated PG, 113 minutes.
Cast:
Georgie Henley
Skandar Keynes
Ben Barnes
Will Poulter
Tilda Swinton
Gary Sweet
Terry Norris
Bruce Spence
Bille Brown
Laura Brent
Simon Pegg

Edmund (Keynes) and Lucy (Henley) are back for a third adventure in Narnia. Even though I stopped caring about halfway through their second, so am I. What’d you say? There are two other kids that were involved in those first two tales? Apparently, they’re getting too old for talking lions and saving mythical worlds. As penance, they’ve been shipped off to where all of us unimaginative slobs go: America. If you miss them that much, we do get to see them from time to time, briefly. The older sister is even of minor consequence. Well, not her exactly but how she looks. Am I rambling? This movie does the same, giving it a very At World’s End kind of feel. That movie being from another franchise burdened with intolerably long titles: The Pirates of the Caribbean. Reminding one of that installment of the franchise isn’t a good thing. With that in mind, I’ll give it my best shot.

We find our two young heroes now living with an uncle who’s face we never see. That’s because the only shots of him are of him hiding behind the newspaper he’s reading. This is fitting because like all regular world adults in this series, he’s completely irrelevant. The important thing is that they can’t stand their cousin Eustace (Poulter) and the feeling is mutual. Lo and behold, during a gripe session between the three, the water in the painting on the wall starts moving, pours from the canvas, fills up an entire bedroom and miraculously drops the trio into the middle of an ocean on Narnia. Wouldn’t you know it? They’re right in the path of a giant ship helmed by none other than Prince Caspian (Barnes). Technically, he doesn’t helm the ship, there is a captain. However, that guy pretty much gets told to ‘shut up and know your role’ whenever he dares attempting to impart some of his wisdom. Well, not in those words. That’s just what it sounded like to me. Anyhoo, Caspian tells our heroes that world peace has been achieved on Narnia. Since they’re accustomed to being called upon only when there is trouble afoot, the kids have no idea why they’re here. Eventually, the find out that some neon green mist that must have escaped from an eighties hair band concert periodically shows up and snatches up small boats full of people. Somehow, it’s decided that the only way to stop this is to gather up the seven mostest specialest swords in all the land and arrange them all together in cute little design. Before we actually get to that point, lots of stuff happens.By stuff, I mean a barely coherent string of events that hope they’re exciting because so much is going on.

Lots of things come up and go unresolved in favor of an action scene and moving on to the next “thrilling” event. Like the aforementioned At World’s End, it keeps flinging things at the screen until it becomes convoluted. It also doesn’t always follow its own rules. For instance, a particular bracelet seems to have killed the person its found on, but does something far different to Eustace. Other things just keep happening. Even a light saber fight suddenly breaks out. It all gets to be a bit of a mess.

For all its lack of focus, this is never a boring movie. Nonsensical? Sure. Boring? No. It consistently gives us interesting visuals. Of course, there’s all that swashbuckling going on. And most of the characters are just dumb enough to keep things interesting. So, in the end you find time has gone by quickly. Thankfully. As for what exactly happened during that period, you might not be entirely sure.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10