Thursday Movie Picks: Revenge

Thursday Movie Picks: 2018 Releases

Birth of the Dragon

The Quick and Dirties: Fightin' Femmes

Thursday Movie Picks: Tall Buildings

Thursday Movie Picks: Clones/Doppelgänger

2016 Blind Spot Series: Big Trouble in Little China

2016 Blind Spot Series: The Street Fighter

Thursday Movie Picks: Fish Out of Water Movies

Thursday Movie Picks: Foreign Language Movies - Asian Language Movies Set in East Asia (Non-Horror)

Movies I Grew Up With: The Last Dragon

Bruce Lee's Top 5 Fight Scenes

The Raid 2

Chocolate

Directed by Prachya Pinkaew.

2008. Rated R, 110 minutes.

Cast:

Yanin "Jeeja" Vismitananda

Hiroshi Abe

Ammara Siripong

Taphon Phopwandee

Pongpat Wachirabunjong

Dechawut Chuntakaro

Hirokazu Sano

Zen (Yanin), an autistic girl (Vismitananda) who becomes an expert fighter by constantly watching martial arts movies, sets out to collect money owed to her cancer-stricken mother Zin (Siripong).

It's damn fun. Let's dispense with all notions of logic and just enjoy watching this teenage girl beat up hordes of grown men. The movies of Tony Jaa are obviously her biggest influence as clips of Ong-Bak are sprinkled throughout and she uses a number of moves he's known for. Why wouldn't she? After all, director Prachya Pinkaew also directed that martial arts classic. Older and/or more seasoned kung fu flick viewers will also recognize a few iconic moments from Bruce Lee movies and Kill Bill, Vol. 1 (see pic below). It's an insane experience. And you haven't lived until you've seen her fight a kid who apparently has Tourette Syndrome AND incorporates breakdancing and capoeira into his fighting style.

Hello!!! I said one of the highlights is an autistic girl fighting a boy with Tourette Syndrome!!!

I'm so bad.

If there is a hell, I might find myself there simply based on enjoying that aspect of it.

Let's get through this. Deep breaths. I can do this.

You cannot analyze this movie for even one second. Once you do, it instantly makes no sense whatsoever and might be construed as offensive, to boot. The script is barely coherent enough to drag you through, don't try to ruin it with common sense. Now that we've established that there's one other troubling element. Too often, the fight choreography shows its seams. From time to time you can plainly see some random bad guy run quickly up to her, only to stand there and wait to be hit. This subtracts from what otherwise are fairly spectacular sequences. Oh, and no, I've no clue why the movie is titled Chocolate. By the way, it is a Thai movie but when you pop in the DVD the English-dubbed version comes on, so subtitleophobes can breathe easy.

This is strictly for martial arts fans. For anyone else, its just too ridiculous. The term "suspension of disbelief" was made for this movie. That said, it still falls into the must-see category for people who love kung fu flicks because of, AND in spite of, its massive shortcomings. So yeah, I love this crap. It's the very definition of 'so bad its awesome!'

MY SCORE: -10/10 

Click here for more movies so bad they're awesome!

47 Ronin

Directed by Carl Rinsch.

2013. Rated PG-13, 118 minutes.

Cast:

Keanu Reeves

Hiroyuki Sanada

Tadanabu Asano

Rinko Kikuchi

Ko Shibasaki

Min Tanaka

Jin Akanishi

Masayoshi Haneda

Gedde Watanabe

We find out right away that Ronin are samurais who have disgraced their masters. Then, we don't meet any of them for a really, really long time. And the ones we do meet, we don't care about.

Oh, wait. I'm getting way ahead of myself.

Let's start with Kai (Reeves). A long time ago in a galaxy not far enough away, he's a young man who is the foster son of the good Lord Asano (Tanaka). However, since he's of interracial descent, Japanese and white, he isn't the most popular guy in town. You know things are bad when you non-chalantly answer to "half-breed." For this reason, and because he's played by Keanu Reeves, Kai seems eternally depressed and wears a blank expression on his face. That's before we even get to the real bad things that happen to him. That stuff starts when Lord Kira (Asano) and his personal sorceress, the very creatively named Witch (Kikuchi) show up. She tricks Lord Asano into committing a heinous crime for which he is sentenced to death. His right hand man Oishi (Sanada) is branded a Ronin and thrown into a hole in the ground. Asano's daughter Mika (Shibasaki) is told she will marry Kira in one year's time. Kai, our hero, is promptly sold into slavery. When that year passes, Oishi is let out of his hole, tracks down Kai plus 46 fellow Ronin, and go after Kira. This is all very loosely based on a true story. Really loosely. Matter of fact, if you have any knowledge of it, just scrap it for the purpose of watching this movie. Hell, I'm even going to pick apart my own summary of the film for you. Out of everything I just wrote, here's what you need to know: it's all over a girl. That's it.

Simple, right?

Wrong.

It should have been.

Instead, the movie plays out in an excruciatingly convoluted and increasingly boring fashion. It mixes Samurai lore with the purely mystical to less than thrilling effect. It's bread and butter should be sword heavy martial arts. When it gives us this, the movie is at least a little fun. Unfortunately, it spends far more time with our hero and his "friends" tip-toeing around in the woods talking to magical beings and spouting pseudo-philosophical declarations at one another. It wants to be Takashi Miike's 13 Assassins, but with a supernatural element. it's actually an even messier and far less exciting version of 2011's Conan the Barbarian, itself an incoherent slab of movie. This is definitely prettier, having some top notch production values. However, I'll say what I've said before. Pretty pictures do not a movie make. In this case, it's lipstick on a pig. That might make it a great looking pig, but I still don't want to kiss it.

You know what? I haven't even dug into Keanu Reeves' performance, yet. Or, should I say his lack of one? Truthfully, it's no more or less than what I expect. He gave us a non-descript villain in the better, but not great Man of Tai Chi. Here? You watch it and let me know if you detect a pulse. I'd say his rebranding of himself as a martial arts star isn't going too well. A quick glance at the numbers seem to refute my assessment, though. 47 Ronin stumbled its way to a $150 million take at the box office. However, you have to factor in what it cost to make such a beautiful mess. It had a budget of $175 million. Yeah, I'm right. Always.

Steven Seagal's Top 5 Movies

Sometimes you come across some interesting things when you're just bopping around the net. What I found is that today is Steven Seagal's birthday. The pony-tailed one is turning 61. Though he's spent the last decade or so putting out one crappy straight-to-DVD movie after another, I'll always have a soft spot in my heart for him. Throughout the 90s, he supplied me with many of the most awesome martial arts flicks featuring an American actor ever made, no matter how much alike they all were. I know, I know, Chuck Norris, blah blah. There was nothing like watching Seagal play the same character in every movie, badly at that, almost never kick anyone and break limbs like No. 2 pencils while avenging the death of a loved one(s). Regardless of his weight. Oh, and I can't forget the hilariously bad Arnie Schwarzenegger-esque one liners. So, as a birthday gift, I'm counting down...

Steven Seagal's Top 5 Movies

5. Hard to Kill

(1990)

As cop Mason Storm, Seagal is actually gunned down by intruders in his very own home! No worries, he doesn't die from his wounds, 'cuz he's hard to kill and stuff. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for his wife and young son who did not survive the attack. After a stint in super secret hospital and hooking up with 80s "it" girl Kelly LeBrock, he hunts down the bad guys responsible.

The Arnie-ism: I'm gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent...to the blood bank!

4. Above the Law

(1988)

In Seagal's debut he plays Nico, a Chicago narcotics cop who once quit the CIA over some things he saw and disagreed strongly with in 'Nam. While he and his partner are investigating a drug trafficking operation they find out some more stuff and are forbidden to continue on the case. Think that'll stop him?  C'mon man, he's above the law! And he's got one of my lifelong crushes on his side, none other than Pam Grier.

The Arnie-ism: You guys think you're above the law? Well, you ain't above mine!

3. Under Siege

(1992)

This time, our hero is playing Casey Ryback. He is a former Navy SEAL who is still a sailor, but now a cook aboard the battleship Missouri. It's about to be decommissioned and the Navy is having a big celebration to send it out in style. Of course, things couldn't be so simple. A gang of terrorists come on board and take over. And you know who is the only one who can stop them. This one benefits from a really good supporting cast that includes a nutty turn by Tommy Lee Jones as the bad guy who puts the ship under siege and draws our hero's full wrath. Gary Busey and Colm Meaney are also fun in their roles. This is the only one of Seagal's movies in which he plays the protagonist, to get a sequel. A rather insane one with Morris Chestnut as his sidekick. And I promise, the well endowed Erika Eleniak jumping out of a cake topless has nothing to do with this lofty ranking.

The Arnie-ism: (Before a knife fight breaks out between Seagal and Tommy Lee Jones, Jones tells him the difference between them is that Jones doesn't have faith. This line comes after killing Jones by stabbing him in the head) Keep the faith, Strannix.

2. Machete

(2010)

This is the only movie on the list where Seagal doesn't play the hero, and the only one from this century. As drug kingpin Rogelio Torrez, he's quite the opposite. Instead of having his own loved ones killed, he gets to do it to good guy Machete, played by Danny Trejo. Wracked my brain trying to come up with a dumb pun to jam in here using the word machete, but couldn't. Consider yourself lucky. For my money, this is far and away the best acting job Seagal has ever done. The movie as a whole is amazing, in my opinion. In fact, it really is much better than the movie I have at number one. However, I have my reasons for not giving it the top spot. We'll get to that in a sec. First, we have to get to...

The Arnie-ism: You're Machete's girl. I know , 'cuz you're his type. (Asked "What type is that?) Dead.

1. Marked for Death

(1990)

As DEA agent John Hatcher, Seagal has an especially rough start to this one. Down in Colombia, his partner gets killed during a drug bust. If you've seen it, then you know 'bust' is the operative word in his death. Once back at home, he has a run-in with the Jamaican street gangs who are dealing drugs under the leadership of the charismatic Screwface, played in scene stealing and scenery chewing fashion by Basil Wallace. From then on, Seagal and his family are marked for death. True, this is not as good a film as Machete and it's not even close. It gets the top spot because it is Seagal at the absolute height of his powers. The movie is completely bananas, possibly a bit racist, and winds up with a wacky twist that adds another fight scene for us. The mall scene stands as the best moment in Seagal's career. Period.

The Arnie-ism: I hope they weren't triplets.


Enjoy...

Man of Tai Chi

Directed by Keanu Reeves.

2013. Rated R, 105 minutes.

Cast:

Tiger Hu Chen

Keanu Reeves

Karen Mok

Yu Hai

Simon Yam

Sam Lee

Ye Qing

Michael Tong

Iko Uwais

If you're familiar with Tai Chi then you know it's the one style of martial arts you never hear about anyone actually using in a fight. It's much more of a spiritual, meditative endeavor. You may have seen elderly people practicing it in the park using slow, sweeping, and graceful motions that scream peace. Tiger Chen (Chen) wants to show the world that Tai Chi can indeed be used in combat. To accomplish this he enters a televised martial arts competition. After winning his first bout, he catches the eye of Donaka Mark (Reeves). By this time, we know what Tiger has yet to learn. Donaka runs a very lucrative and ruthless underground fight club. How ruthless? He kills fighters who show mercy and the poor sap they've shown it to. Lots of kung fu fightin' ensues while the cops try to shut down the operation. This is said to be inspired by Chen's actual life. Um...okay.

The draw here is obviously the martial arts acton. First time director Keanu Reeves wisely reunites with legendary fight choreographer Woo-ping Yuen. The two worked together on The Matrix trilogy. Here, the characters are more tightly bound to the laws of physics so Yuen doesn't have quite as much freedom as when he was choreographing showdowns between Neo and Agent Smith. Still, he delivers the goods. The added layer of realism makes this set of fights a bit more visceral. We feel a little closer to the action. That's not say these guys don't perform a few impossible acts because they do with the aid of a few instances of wire work. It's just not enough to really subtract from our enjoyment.

As the guy we're most often watching, Tiger Chen proves himself to be a capable on-screen martial artist. Many of the guys he fights are faceless opponents, but represent various styles and help keep things interesting. As an actor, he isn't too bad. He does a decent job conveying the changes his character is going through. However, it's Yu Hai as Chen's teacher, Master Yang, who is the real standout. He gives us a classic wise old kung fu sage through a nice mix of nuanced performing and fortune cookie dialogue. Truthfully, lots of the dialogue in this movie qualifies as fortune cookie worthy. Hai makes it work better than anyone else.

The rest of the cast is pretty bad. Sadly, but not surprisingly, this includes Keanu Reeves as our villain. As a bad guy, he's more laughable than menacing. This is largely due to his unchanging facial expression and the fact that every word he utters feels forced and completely lacking the charisma need for an effective antagonist. Yes, I count The Matrix among my very favorite movies of all time. However, it still baffles me that he is the star. Even more perplexing is the fact that he was once a highly sought after and highly bankable actor. Seriously, we're talking about a guy whose best work was in the Bill & Ted movies.

In the director's chair, Reeves fares much better. Don't get me wrong, he's no Ben Affleck, another guy who became a star despite questionable acting ability and has stepped behind the camera. Man of Tai Chi is no Gone Baby Gone, The Town, or Argo, and thus, won't be competing for any Oscars. That said, it's a solidly crafted martial arts movie with a leading man we like. He also has a personal conflict that's easy to get behind. Therefore, even though it isn't great, those two things combine with the action to not only make it highly watchable, but re-watchable and likely a favorite of boys of all ages who are into kung fu flicks.

MY SCORE: 6.5/10

Raw Force

AKA Kung Fu Cannibals

Directed by Edward D. Murphy

1982. Rated R, 86 minutes.

Cast:

Cameron Mitchell

John Locke

Geoffrey Binney

Hope Holiday

Jillian Kesner

Vic Diaz

John Dresden

Carla Reynolds

Camille Keaton

Chanda Romero

Revisiting this flick for the first time in many years, I'm reminded that the 80s really were a different time. Before the VCR (and Betamax, to a lesser extent) revolutionized the movie watching world, films stayed in first-run theaters for months. It was not uncommon for the better movies to still pack houses over a year after their release date. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no - Raw Force, released in the summer of 1982, is most definitely not one of those. The movie that brought about the tangent I opened on is none other than the Spielberg classic Raiders of the Lost Ark. Now, you're probably scratching your head and saying "what the hell does one of the all-time great adventure movies have to do with something known in some circles as Kung Fu Cannibals?" Honestly though, I'm not sure why you don't understand where I'm going with this. In my mind, I cannot think of either one of these movies without immediately thinking of the other. It's not that way for you? You don't understand why it's that way for me?

Sigh. Okay, I'll explain.

Back when both of these movies came out, it was still fairly common for theaters to actually run double features. If you were not born before these movies came out, you may not comprehend what I just said. If this is you, don't drop your tablet or smartphone when you read the next sentence. A double feature meant the theater was showing two movies back-to-back, and only charging you for one ticket. So no, Tarantino and Rodriguez did not invent the idea. Sorry to burst the bubble of any QT devotees.

By now, you've guessed what I've been rambling about but let me set the scene. Where I lived in Queens, my best friend's grandfather ran the Block Association. Every summer he would organize trips for local kids to amusement parks, Yankees and Mets games, and the occasional museum. He also set up the block party and ran a youth softball league. Once, only once that I can remember, he rounded us up with as many parents as could go and took us to a movie. He took us to see Raiders of the Lost Ark. This was in the summer of '82. It actually came out the year before and was already a huge hit. It was a known quantity even to people like us who hadn't actually seen it yet. The only theater anywhere near us still showing it had it as part of a double feature with a new movie. Yes, the new movie was Raw Force. My buddies granddad didn't know anything about this other movie. In truth, none of us did. We had seen the commercial on TV and it appeared to be a harmless kung fu flick with both Asians and white guys. It couldn't be but so bad. After all, it was being paired with the family friendly Raiders. Right?

Wrong.

Really wrong.

Really really wrong.

I'm not sure who at the theater decided these two movies made a good pair, but I have to believe heavy narcotics were involved in the process. I might be willing to say that I'm blowing things out of proportion, but not when I remember beyond a shadow of a doubt that Raw Force played first.

So here we are, thirty or so kids ranging in age, and I'm guessing here, from about 8 to 14, and a handful of adults arriving for the double feature because you had to get there early to take advantage of the price. No showing up for just the second picture. Not even a full minute after the opening credits things get very uncomfortable. An Asian guy with a Hitler 'stache in a white suit and a white guy dressed like a reject from The Warriors lead a bunch of women off of a boat onto the coast of an island where they are greeted by some rather creepy looking, sweaty and cackling monks. After the guy in the suit and the head monk exchange a word or two, he tells the white dude to strip 'em. Of course, this means the white guy literally starts tearing the clothes off of the women. After they're all naked, or darn close, the women are herded into a cage and left with the monks.

WTF?

I can just imagine my friend's poor granddad wondering what the hell he had just gotten into. Unfortunately for him, this was only the beginning of one of the most bizarre cinematic rides of all time. It got progressively worse from this point forward. Much worse. Or better, depending on your point of view.

There is some sort of plot cobbled together. The two guys who dropped off all the chicks for the monks do this sort of thing on a regular and get paid a handsome fee. They are also part of some big jade smuggling operation that they hope will make them filthy rich. Meanwhile, a cruise ship that so happens to be stocked with various martial arts instructors, including a Bruce Lee wannabe, and students along with the usual gaggle of drunks looking to get laid is carrying said jade. One of the main attractions on this cruise is visiting that island where the monks are. This whole jade thing causes lots of kung fu fightin'. When I say fightin', I mean of the poorly choreographed and executed sort where we get the usual punch/kick sound effects even though often we can clearly see either the punch or kick miss by several inches. Between the fights is lots and lots of female nudity. And I'm talking full frontal (and rear) buck nekkidness. Outrageous things conspire to bring the two together on a regular basis. Of course, there's the obligatory strip joint brawl during which the strippers pay almost no attention to what's going on. There is also the scene where a woman gets down to her birthday suit while informing her about to be one night stand that she's on the run for murdering her husband. At this point, one of the jade thieve's henchmen comes bursting into the room. Even though he looks to be of Pacific Island or Hispanic descent, he inexplicably has a swastika on his helmet (and is wearing a Superman T-shirt), which comes off during his beating down of the poor dude who was only there to get some easy nookie. During this, the woman, still naked, grabs a gas can (?) and starts hitting the bad guy over the head with it. I'm not making this up. As time passes, the plot just gets stranger and stranger as we go.

How could it get any stranger than what I've already told you? Let's think about that alternate title again, Kung Fu Cannibals. Now let's talk about those monks. Eventually we find out that they aren't getting the girls to make sexy time. In the words of the Asian guy with the white suit "They get them for food." Eventually, we even see them preparing one unlucky lady to be roasted over an open fire. Oddly, she's not nude. However, they don't fight. So that title is a bit misleading. But they do indeed have someone to fight for them. They have a cemetery full of martial artists whom they raise from the dead to do their bidding. Yes! We have now added zombies to all the insanity! And I haven't even mentioned how piranhas figure into all this!

It's getting tough to contain myself. I get giddy just thinking about this movie. To reign myself in just a bit, I'll spend a moment on normal movie stuff like the acting, dialogue, directing, special fx, etc. It all sucks. Okay, that's enough of that. You know what, that's enough period. Let me wrap this up so I can go watch it again.

Oh, what about my best friend's grandfather? Whether or not he actually wanted to see a movie like this, I have no idea. I do know it's not something he wanted us to see. To his credit, or discredit, take your pick, he let us stay and we got through what must have been a terribly difficult hour and a half for him. Honestly, I'm not sure that rounding us up and leaving was ever an option. The thing is, he was a man who legitimately tried to keep whatever promises he made to us kids. In this case he promised he was taking us to see Raiders of the Lost Ark. That's what he did. It was great. A true classic. Still, it has nothing on Raw Force which is so bad it's awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

Movies I Grew Up With: Enter the Dragon

As a very young boy, I had three famous idols. The first was none other than Muhammad Ali. Back then, I was just taken in by his charisma. As I grew and learned more about him, he became one of the people I most admire. The second was O.J. Simpson. Okay, that one didn’t work out too well. Still, at the time he was a great football player and had a squeaky clean image. Third was the one and only Bruce Lee. He passed away when I was two years old. Two or three years after that is when I became aware of him. This was largely thanks to his most famous movie, Enter the Dragon. Like with my other heroes I knew nothing of the man, but boy did he make some cool movies. This one is the coolest of them all.

Throughout my life I’ve returned to EtD dozens, if not hundreds of times. I know for certain that I’ve watched it at least once almost every year since I was five. I’d gamble that most of those years I watched it several times. During my military days, I found a group of drinking buddies that enjoyed kung-fu flicks. Once a week for a while we’d gather and watch one. You’d be correct in assuming that I made sure this was the feature attraction a time or two. Each of my children had at least one night during their infancy where they were draped across my chest sleeping while Bruce kicked ass in the background. My nieces and nephews who grew up in a house where their mom practically nursed them with Steven Seagal movies were given their first look at a “real” kung-fu movie when they spent the night at Uncle Dell’s house. All the while, I made sure to tell them that Bruce Lee would beat the ponytail off of Seagal. No one was safe.

This past year has seen my son start to become a cinephile in his own right. Aside from the constant rotation of rented, borrowed and streamed movies in my house, I also have a DVD collection of roughly 700 titles. The boy, now sixteen, has started combing his way through them. About two weeks ago, he announced to me he was going to watch all of the Bruce Lee movies. It then dawned on me that I hadn’t watched EtD in 2013. Yes! My son gave me an excuse to keep the streak alive. I gleefully sat down to watch it with him.

If you’re somehow unaware of what this movie, I’ll give you the short version. Mr. Han (Shih Kien) has a private island off the coast of Hong Kong and is hosting a martial arts tournament. “British Intelligence” suspects that Han is also trafficking drugs and running a prostitution ring there. They recruit “Mr. Lee”, Bruce – duh, to go in undercover and investigate. Before actually going though, Mr. Lee finds out that Han’s main henchman, O’Hara (Robert Wall), is responsible for the death of Mr. Lee’s sister. Two big subplots run alongside this main narrative. One is about Roper (John Saxon), a white fighter and playboy type there in part to escape his gambling debts. The other is about Williams (Jim Kelly), a black fighter just there for the tourney. He had to deal with some racist cops before boarding his flight and just happens to be an old friend of Roper’s.

Right from the start, I remember why I keep coming back to this movie. First of all, everything Bruce Lee does is amazing. The opening sequence of him beating the crap out of a very young Sammo Hung just sets the stage for what’s to come. Hung had a pretty successful career as an actor including a starring role on the American cop series Martial Law, which ran for a few seasons beginning in 1998. He is now one of the most revered figures in the history of Chinese cinema and one of the most sought after fight choreographers in the industry. His work on the Ip Man movies is astounding. Lee’s one-on-one battle, if you can call it that, with O’Hara is an epic display of hand speed. The true highlight for me, though, is his battle with the guards. This is the very pinnacle of movie martial arts, only equaled by Bruce’s showdown with Chuck Norris in The Way of the Dragon. Lee choreographed both, by the way. During this scene one of the guards gets his neck broken. You probably won’t even look at his face, let alone realize who he is, but its some teenager named Jackie Chan. He was actually used in a few of Lee’s movies then he did one or two things you might know.

In addition to Bruce, John Saxon and Jim Kelly also shine. They add a sense of style and certainly an American sheen to the proceedings. While our hero is being elevated to a mythical stature, these other two are the guys we can relate to. They bring humor and they still get it done when it’s time to throw hands…and feet. Saxon went on to a long career. Kelly’s career in movies wouldn’t be nearly as long, but he became a Blaxploitation icon. This movie also introduced me to the great Bolo Yeung. He still scares me a little. Finally, Shih Kien as Mr. Han is one of the coolest villains ever. I say this even though I’ve now noticed some inconsistencies with his false left hand. As the movie progresses he switches it out for something sharper and more heinous several times. However, when we think it is just a hand we see him move the fingers.

In the decades since I’ve first seen it, I’ve come to realize that Enter the Dragon is not only a showcase for Bruce Lee’s amazing physical skills, but touches on the philosophies he’s become famous for as well. He waxes poetic on the ways of Jeet Kun Do, the style of martial arts he actually invented. No, in the movie he never calls it this, but if you’re familiar with Bruce’s ideas on fighting you’ll recognize it when he says things like “the greatest technique is to have no technique.”

My son had seen the movie before. He was much younger, and in recent years I haven't forced him to see it whenever I did. It was long enough ago that I covered his eyes during the several naughty parts. I did no such thing this time and we had a grand time watching. For him, the time since he last saw it made this like a first viewing. He is where I once was in regards to this movie. He knows nothing of Bruce Lee’s depth or incredible worldwide impact on martial arts both in the movies and in real life, aside from my blabbing during the film. He doesn’t care that EtD is such an achievement that in 2004 it was deemed “culturally significant” and selected for preservation in the National Film Registry. He just knows that this is one cool ass movie. I hope he’ll sit down with me when I watch it again in six months or so.

Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame

Directed by Hark Tsui.

2010. Rated PG-13, 119 minutes.

Cast:

Andy Lau

Carina Lau

Bingbing Li

Chao Deng

Tony Leung Ka Fai

We kick things off in the year 689 A.D. Empress Wu (Carina Lau) is about to crowned as the first female ruler of China. As you might imagine, this ruffles the feathers of many men. It probably doesn't help that she’s having a giant monument to herself built a mere sixty-six yards from where her coronation is to take place. During the final days of its construction, a high-ranking government official who is giving a tour to a visiting dignitary, spontaneously bursts into flames and falls to his death. Not much is left of him, save for his shoes. A short while later, another official suffers the same fate, suddenly catching fire and dying right in full view of the empress. A couple of clues lead everyone to think this has something to do with what happened in the province of Dee eight years ago. Therefore, they must hire the only man who can possibly solve this case, Detective Dee (Andy Lau). Of course, Detective Dee has been in prison over that span for treason. You see, he was one of those men and publicly opposed Wu’s ascension to the throne. Now that she needs his help, she’s willing to let bygones be bygones and sends Jing’er (Li), her most trusted bodyguard to retrieve the detective and get this case cracked so her coronation can go off without a hitch.

Since this is a martial arts picture, we must first judge this movie on just that, martial arts. The legendary Sammo Hung handles the choreography here and, truthfully, I’m disappointed with his effort. There’s lots of wire work, fitting for a story that incorporates a lot of magic. Therefore, characters fly around effortlessly and perform unbelievably acrobatic feats. This is fine, but the fighting itself is less than thrilling, save for one or two sequences nearer to the start of the movie than the end. It seems there is often a lot more chasing than kung-fuing.

Now, about that story. It’s cluttered, to say the least. It moves forward as a police procedural with the very Sherlock Holmes-esque Dee trying to solve the crime (murder, if I hadn't made that clear). He simply intuits an awful lot (everyone does, actually) and, naturally, he’s always right. This creates so many strands it gets to be a very crowded picture. There is another high-ranking official trying to keep Wu from the throne and/or get Dee to join his cause, he and Jing’er’s infatuation with each other, a couple different trips to magical locales, the possibly evil and supernatural chaplain, the back-story of Dee’s weapon (“the dragon taming mace”), fun with transfiguration, and talking deer. Um, yeah, talking deer. One shows up periodically to, more or less, explain character motivations. The beast itself is eventually explained, but it’s all very goofy. It only gets goofier when a bunch of bad CGI deer are used during a fight scene. It’s a bad idea and worse execution.

Even worse than the execution of everything involving deer is that scene where the bad guy spills the beans. You know the scene, the one where the villain appears to have the hero beat so he proceeds to explain his entire plan that he says is too late to foil while cackling maniacally. Yeah, that scene. In general, I’m okay with this because I know it’s coming and, just like the bad guy always says, there’s nothing I can do to stop it. The problem here is that once everything has been explained, we come to the realization that, in this case, if the bad guy had done absolutely nothing, committed no prior crimes whatsoever, he would've realized his ultimate goal without so much as a hiccup. In other words, I could have been spared this entire movie. Sigh. Consider my loss your gain and avoid this flick even if you are a hardcore martial arts junkie.