Worst Movies of 2013

The other day, I rolled out the 2013 Dellies. If you checked them out, you might recall me mentioning that I've seen approximately 130 of the movies that were released during last year. Of those, let me tell you, there were a number of duds. I've managed to miss some that have been deemed terrible by everyone else, such as:

The Big Wedding, The Canyons, Getaway, A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters, The Last Exorcism Part 2, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, Movie 43, Paranoia, Safe Haven, Scary Movie 5

Now, on to the crap that I did see. Most of them I've already reviewed. Click on the titles for my full two cents. Now, here's about one cent on each of

The Worst Movies of 2013

20. A Haunted House

It's better than another Wayans Brothers horror spoof, the Scary Movie franchise.

19. A Good Day to Die Hard

Unfortunately, the breadth and scope of the damage being done is all there is. Sure, there’s the bit about who is betraying who, but it’s nothing that couldn't have been written out, in full, on the back of a napkin.

18. The Heat

With the formula pretty much set in stone, The Heat dutifully goes down the checklist of buddy flick tropes.

17. The Lone Ranger

Unfortunately, the positives aren't nearly as weighty as the negatives. The good things amount to a few empty thrills.

16. Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

Similarly to the blandness of most of the characters, the plot unfolds in not-so-thrilling fashion.

15. 47 Ronin

Pretty pictures do not a movie make. In this case, it's lipstick on a pig. That might make it a great looking pig, but I still don't want to kiss it.

14. Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

Since what it tries to be and what it is don’t line up it all becomes laughable. It’s also heavy-handed with an over-simplified conclusion.

13. Kiss of the Damned

The best way for me to describe what happens without spoiling it is to say "oops." It's the type of finale a movie can get away with if it passes itself off as a slice of life story, or maybe if it's a Coen Brothers flick. Here, it just makes me want to grab a wooden stake and hunt down the director.

12. Identity Thief

After a funny sex scene, and the inclusion of some gangsters that never fully makes sense, we arrive at the point where we've heard all the jokes and seen all the gags this movie has to offer...Identity Thief just keeps repeating itself until it mercifully decides to end.

11. Machete Kills

For me, it didn't quite come together like it did the first time. Almost all of the focus has been removed in the name of making the sequel a "bigger" movie than its predecessor.

10. Beautiful Creatures

It is ambitious, pretty to look at, but overly derivative and utterly contrived.

9. The ABCs of Death

Unfortunately, the bad far outweighs the good. You may not agree if you delight in seeing just how strange things can get. If that's your deal then you should have already watched this.

8. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2

What tears it for me is how aggressively bizarre the whole thing is. And not in a good way, either. It's an off putting kind of strange that gets worse as it goes along.

7. Battle of the Year

I'm guessing Channing Tatum, or Columbus Short were both busy...or got a look at the script and chose wisely. I wish I had.

6. Baggage Claim

To blame for this atrocity we have writer/director David E. Talbert, or Tyler Perry 2.0, as I like to call him.

5. Black Nativity

Put bluntly, Black Nativity is a frustrating watch. The cast isn't nearly as good as one would expect while the story vacillates between spouting cliches and flying completely off the rails.

4. Admission

The end result of all this is that the movie just drones on and on and on for its entire run time. In other words, its 107 minutes feel like they are multiplying as they slowly pass.

3. The Hangover Part III

Fish out of water tales can be wonderful. They usually focus on one fish trying to gain his/her footing in a new environment. In this case, all of the fish are out of water and we just watch them flop around for an hour and a half.

2. The Smurfs 2

Everything feels bland and rehashed. It's like they've just been slipped into a ready-made plot.

1. Aftershock

It’s all just a misogynistic and nihilistic fantasy that makes a dated referendum on people with tattoos.