Friday, December 11, 2015

Fifty Shades of Grey


Directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson.

2015. Rated R, 125 minutes.
Cast:
Dakota Johnson
Jamie Dornan
Eloise Mumford
Jennifer Ehle
Marcia Gay Harden
Victor Rasuk
Luke Grimes
Rita Ora
Max Martini

You might recall that a couple years back the book Fifty Shades of Grey was everywhere. Ev-uh-ry-where. Morning talk shows ran features on it, late night hosts brought it up in their monologues, and just about every woman from 18 to 80 had something to say about it. Whips and chains in the boudoir suddenly became the hot topic of discussion. That was the case even in my neck of the woods, Let me explain why that warrants mentioning. Though I am not a religious person, I married into a very religious family and now live in a very religious part of the United States - the south. Specifically, I'm in North Carolina, proudly part of what's known as The Bible Belt. I can assure you, there is nothing more bizarre than seeing two ladies you often hear beginning and ending sentences with the phrase "Praise the Lord" start a conversation by one of them asking the other "Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey?"

Without having read it myself, I had no idea about the plot, but of course, I knew it was erotic literature. I wasn't interested in reading it, either. I'm a visual sort of guy when it comes to my solo missions. Mrs. Dell? She got real curious. This is interesting because other than what she has to slog through for school, she's not much of a reader. Rather than spending money on it, smart girl, she decided to check it out from the local library. She tried to, at least. It seems lots of church ladies had some free time between Bible Study and the various services they attend each week. Mrs. Dell was put on a waiting list. She was like number 120, or something. Come to think of it, she might still be waiting. Maybe it’s true most women like to take it slow, make it last longer.

Wifey still hasn’t read the book, but figured it pointless when we went to the movies on a group date night with a bunch of other married couples to see The Wedding Ringer. Trust me, it was not our choice. I’ll give you one guess what movie the first damn trailer was for. Yup. You could hear spontaneous orgasms all over the theater. Some of them went on for a little while, too, thanks to the trailer being backed by Beyonce singing a super sultry version of “Crazy in Love.” I knew I was doomed to see this movie whether I wanted to, or not. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. After making its way up my Netflix queue, voila! There it is in my mailbox. Not sure what she thought this was, but Mrs. Dell not only insisted on waiting until the kids went to sleep before watching it, but also watching it in our bedroom, where we almost never watch movies, with the door locked.


The light switch in our room is about a foot up and four inches to the left of the lock on the door. In pretty much one motion, Mrs. Dell locked the door, hit the switch, and turned around, facing the interior of the room. In that tiny sliver of time between hitting the switch and turning around, I raced across the bedroom, pressed play on the Blu-Ray player, and made it back to where I was sitting/lying in bed, covers seductively hiding my lower half while revealing the not-so-rippling muscles of my torso. Was I that anxious to see Fifty Shades of Grey? Hell no, but I was damn sure ready for it to end.

Before you get through the end of a movie, you have to actually watch it. Since this is at least partly a review, that means I should write about it. Simple stuff, really. Girl meets boy. Girl finds out boy is into some kinky shit. Girl is not, but wants to be with boy, anyway. The end.

Oh, you need details? I guess I can do that so you can have a bit of context for what I have to say about it.

The girl is named Anastasia Steele (Johnson), a naïve twenty-something filling in for her roommate Carla (Ehle), who isn’t feeling well. Carla is a reporter and the task she hands Anastasia is interviewing handsome, twenty-something billionaire Christian Grey (Dornan). The two fall head over heels for one another and embark on a really weird relationship. It is almost immediately apparent that Mr. Grey is a tortured individual. Tortured being the operative word because it manifests itself most in his sexual appetites. Not only is he really into S&M, he insists on only playing the dominant role. The rest of the film consists of him trying to convince her to be his next in a long line of submissives while she tries to sell him on the idea of being a regular couple.

I mentioned that the relationship between Anastasia and Christian is a weird one. Christian’s sexual proclivities is not that to which I’m referring. Plenty of us meet someone whom we discover to be into something we’re not, sexual or otherwise. Either we adapt and stick with them or decide it’s not worth it and move on. It happens. I’m talking about how he and Anastasia interact on a non-sexual level. In fairness, there is nothing truly non-sexual about their interactions because what will or won’t happen in the bedroom dominates every conversation. Despite this, nothing about the two of them together screams burning, hot romance. There are tons of rules for being involved with Christian including a contract he wants Anastasia to sign. This is basically a consent form allowing him to whip her ass with impunity. I mean "whip her ass" in the most literal sense of the phrase. The plot is made up entirely of whether or not she will sign it. There is even a “business meeting” in a board room to negotiate terms. It’s a very seductively lit, i.e. dark, board room, but a board room nonetheless. I guess it has to be lit that way when you’re haggling over the inclusion or exclusion of anal fisting. True story.


Anastasia’s love for Christian is supposed to shine through, making us understand why she would even entertain the notion of being subjected to his pain for pleasure brand of sex when she never has before. I mean, she REALLY never has. Along with Christian, we learn that when she met him, she was a virgin. Talk about going from zero to one hundred in an instant. The problem is that Christian is so icy and robotic, he’s unlovable. Jamie Dornan’s performance does not give his character the necessary mystery nor depth to make him appealing. At least ninety percent of the time he is on camera, he employs a pained psychotic death-stare as his mode of acting. He looks like he’s about to open fire in a public place while simultaneously straining to hold in a humongous turd. Dakota Johnson is a little better. She tries to inject some genuine emotion into a script that has none. It doesn’t help that she’s working opposite an angry mannequin. She’s not quite strong enough an actress to pull it off. Despite a similar look, no one should be mistaking her for Rooney Mara. Then again, I’m not sure how much better Mara would have made this. The chemistry between Johnson and Dornan is rendered null and void.

Even if our two leads were excellent, they would struggle to overcome the less than dynamic writing. It’s lazy, predictable, and repetitive. Anastasia and Christian have the same exact conversation roughly a million times. She asks “How come we can’t sleep in the same bed like a normal couple?”

Invariably, he replies “I just don’t do that.”

The other conversation they have from time to time starts with her asking why he’s into whips and chains. He’ll either drag her off to show her “something,” or she’ll ask to be dragged off and shown. Somewhere during this she’ll mention that she hasn’t signed the contract yet. Regardless, they proceed with getting’ busy. Then it’s back to the first conversation.


The biggest thing Fifty Shades of Grey has going for it is its look. Its color palette is filled with basic colors that contrast nicely with one another. That it occasionally gets carried away with the titular color is a bit gimmicky because it plays directly into the title and Christian’s last name. Still, it is interesting as the film tries to give fifty actual shades of grey each a little screen-time. It is subtle enough not to come off as ridiculous, yet obvious enough to be an extension of the character it represents. Plus, it’s all rather crisp looking. This includes some immaculate white dress shirts worn by Mr. Grey.

When the color scheme and some nice shirts are clearly the best thing about a movie, there’s a problem. A lot of problems, in this case. It’s all clichéd melodrama punctuated by sexually charged, but not particularly sexy scenes. The warmth need to make them sizzle is missing. Granted, some of that is by design, but it’s missing from every inch of the production, as well. Anastasia comes off as pathetic, devoting all of her energy to a man not worthy of it, excluding his bank account. Therefore, when we get to the contrived cliff-hanger ending we first laugh at the stupidity of it all, then cringe at the threat of a sequel being unleashed on humanity. At least that’s how I felt. Mrs. Dell hated the ending, but only because she hates any ending that isn’t completely wrapped up. I wrote about it here. She liked the movie as a whole and is actually looking forward to part two. I can live with that if the viewing experience for that travels the same path as this one. I did say the door was locked. Now, I was shutting off the TV and the lights.

30 comments:

  1. It's on HBO so I'll watch it just to see how bad it is. It's unlikely I'll do a review of the film but if i have the urge to. I'll see what I can do though I don't expect anything good.

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    1. It's pretty bad. I wouldn't blame you for not writing about it.

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  2. Dakota Johnson's performance was ok, but I agree it wasn't sexy enough. I felt Jamie Dornan was the reason it failed and was unconvincing as her seducer. I haven't read the books though. I really liked Love Me Like You Do from the soundtrack, that song was better than the movie.

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    1. Dornan was terrible. The soundtrack deserves a much better movie.

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  3. I haven't neither read the book nor seen the film, but I'm sure the only thing I'll like when I'll watch the film is the "Love Me Like You Do" song, definitely too good for the film judging from all the reviews I've read.

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  4. This was so much fun to read! Love your personal story throughout this review :) Whilst it was far from being a good movie, it's most definitely one of those rare occasions where the movie is better than the book!
    - Allie

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    1. This crap was better than the book? I'm cringing at the thought of how rotten the book must be.

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  5. Because I'm a committed film reviewer, I gave up two hours of my life for this movie.

    It is, in a word, awful. Truly, the most unmitigated piece of shit you'll see in the course of the last 12 months, and I'm including a bunch of The Asylum flicks in that as well. The story (such as it is) made me weep for the human race of people actually found this film a turn on; the erotic elements are nowhere near hard enough to produce any significant controversy (try saying "anal fisting" in any other context and you'll probably be slapped), and are too soft to provoke much beyond a tepid "meh" in this oversexed world in which we live.

    As much as the actors hated each other (which isn't obvious in the film, a silver lining) they give it their all, it's just the dialogue and direction is aboinable at best. This is soap-opera awful, this movie. Every line is uttered like it's the second coming of Christ (pun intended) for all the import each word is supposed to have.

    Frankly, I'd rather be stuck on a 24 hour flight in coach with my onboard film selection consiting of only Twilight movies before I'd endure this miasma of a movie again. Frankly (hope I don't get spammed or banned from here for saying this), fuck this movie.

    PS: I did like the story at the start of this review, it kinda read like a "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me..." story... GO MRS DELL!!!!! Time for some sexy time!!

    For the record, here's my review of the same film: http://www.fernbyfilms.com/2015/05/29/movie-review-fifty-shades-of-grey/

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    1. Lmao! Great comment! No worries about me banning you. It really was awful. And if that's Dornan giving it his all, he should never be allowed near another movie set.

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  6. I had a bit of a different perspective on this one, having actually read the book (which, for the record, I found HILARIOUS). This is probably the most entertaining review of this film I've read, so bravo! I actually thought Dakota Johnson was the film's saving grace, almost single-handedly redeeming the script from the terrible dialogue and questionable plot points by injecting ACTUAL humor to a drip of a character. Would that Jamie Dornan could have gotten anywhere close to her level - his dull as dishwater performance is the main reason the film isn't able to rise to the romantic (let alone erotic) heights to which it aspires. It's not great cinema by any stretch of the imagination, but I didn't hate it, and in this day and age, it's nice to see a film written and directed by women that actually puts a woman's story front and center and puts her in a position of power.

    All that said, it made for a very interesting double feature with J. Lo's trash-terpiece The Boy Next Door. And for what it's worth, my review is here: http://dancindanonfilm.blogspot.com/2015/02/review-fifty-shades-of-grey.html

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    1. Thanks! Johnson tried, but didn't quite cut it for me. Dornan was just...ugh. I'm always happy to see films written by, for, and about women, but this was a serious misstep. I think it falls far short of empowering its protagonist because she can't seem to luve without this guy who simply wants to beat her up and ram his fist into each of her orifices. And trash-terpiece is a great description of tje J-Lo flick. I'd rather watch that a thousand times before I suffer through 50 Shades again. At least that one is so bad it's awesome. This is just bad.

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    2. It didn't come across to me that she can't live without him - she's a virgin after all. It's about her growing up, becoming a woman. And also, Grey may be the one with the contract who wants to spank and fist her, but she is always the one in control - she's the one who goes through the contract line by line and says what she is and is not okay with (something it's implied no one has ever done before), she's the one who asks Christian to REALLY wail on her, AND she's ultimately the one who ends it when she realizes she got more than she bargained for. And all of this after he woos her pretty romantically and takes her virginity with "vanilla" sex, both things he says he doesn't do. So he's already breaking his own rules and declaring her special, making it believable that she thinks this won't be so awful... until it goes too far.

      For what it's worth, I was practically seal-clapping with glee during each and every second of The Boy Next Door's camp-tastic finale, and there was nothing that gave me anywhere close to that level of pleasure in Fifty Shades.

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    3. The power thing is interesting because I'm seeing it from the other side. She is the one with power, however, the contract is all about her giving up that power. His wooing and "vanilla" sex is really just about trying to usurp it, and the fact that he quite literally "takes" her virginity is troublesome. She says she's a virgin, he snatches her up as fast as he possibly can, drops her in the nearest bed, says something to the effect of "I'm going to fix that," and she just kinda goes along with it. Sure, he breaks a few rules, but it all feels disingenuous. From time to time, Christian takes it upon himself to show her a little more each time, enough to entice her. When she says "But, I haven't signed the contract," he basically ignores her and does whatever he wants to do. That's not to mention his other "stalkerish" behavior like misplaced jealousy, possessiveness, and showing up unannounced in another part of the country just to check up on her. I feel she can't live without him because no matter how insane the things he does, she keeps coming back. Even in the end (*SPOILER ALERT* for anyone else reading this) when it's supposedly too much for her, has gone too far, the film ends with her reacting as if she's making a mistake by walking out on this douche bag.

      And "seal-clapping with glee" is a great way to describe my reaction to The Boy Next Door.

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    4. All those things with Christian were also issues in the book, so I guess it didn't bother me as much. He is a MASSIVE jackass at times, but Anastasia does call him out on it. It's just that Dornan doesn't offer anything else to compensate for that except for a HOT bod, rendering the attraction purely physical. Which is fine (hey, it happens), but I only bought it because it's a romance novel trope. On every other level, it doesn't work.

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    5. Purely physical attraction does happen, but they just didn't sell it to me, at all. The writing suggests there is something much deeper at play, but doesn't give the characters any actual depth. Of course, Dornan doesn't provide any, either. Whether or not it works in the book, I have no clue. It fails on the screen.

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    6. Dare I say it KIND OF works in the book? But that's mostly because it's a first person narrative from Anastasia's perspective. And it's definitely a trope of romance novels, so I never really questioned it. It was just expected. That doesn't mean, though, that it was actually done well. :)

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    7. Interesting. I wonder if the movie might be positively affected by having it be more of a first person narrative with Anastasia doing voice-over.

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  7. lol this review is great. My best friend is obsessed with this book series and I always have to pretend that I don't think her taste is questionable when she talks about it. It just looks bad, and that Doran guy looks terrible. His face doesn't change. I feel bad that director Sam Taylor-Johnson is going to be more known for this over her great little flick Nowhere Boy.

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    1. Lots of women are, and they all went to see this movie. Hence, we're getting 2 more of these. Maybe Dornan will get better. Probably not. I'll have to check out Nowhere Boy.

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  8. It seems that I'm at odds with the world's view on this because I enjoyed the film - actually ended up watching it three times at the cinema (twice because there was a blackout halfway through and a third time at the request of a girl I liked)

    I remember dreading the film and speaking to a female friend about it. She had read the books and told me, she liked it not for the sex but for the love story. So I went in expecting a romcom of sorts and not an erotic thriller and ended up much happier.

    I enjoyed the love story between Grey and Anastasia because it was complicated and slow-cooking. The unorthodox sexual appetites of Grey are just a manifestation of his intimacy and mommy issues. He craves love but also control of that love. Anastasia craves sexual freedom and the desire to be idolised because of always coming second to her more attractive and intelligent roommate.Plus she has the "I can change him. I can make him better" ideology which a lot of women have. It's an abusive relationship but it's a relationship I've seen in real life. Not weird sex but people make all kinds of compromises and tolerate vile behaviour for the sake of love.

    I also loved the soundtrack. Danny Elfman and all the artists did a great job producing it. Each scene's identity felt linked to a particular song so when I downloaded the soundtrack, it felt like I was watching the movie again.

    Great review, loved the personal story thrown in there.

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    1. I get where you're coming from, and it all makes great sense, but none of that came through in any tangible way, for me. I actually foumd their relationship rather simple, and creepy. Instead of it being a slow cooker, I thought the stove was off. I did enjoy the music, but that's about it.

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  9. My goodness, did this one crack me up (the review...not the flick). I actually reread the 'humongous turd' line, so I get it right when I pass it off as my own.

    Look, as bad as this film was, I loved the shared experience we, as our ladies +1 with the whole 50 shades insanity, get to share. Your intro was hysterical, and I'm hoping...typical. We saw it theatrically, and seeing a sixty foot vagina...onscreen, with others, didn't exactly light any candles.

    Till later, anyway.

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    1. Thanks! By all means, use the turd line as your own all you want. I'm guessing what happened in my house is fairly typical with that movie. At least, I hope. And "sixty foot vagina" might be the scariest phrase I have ever read.

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  10. Ha. Wonder if the "pained psychotic death-stare" approach will catch up to the Stanislavsky Method?

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    1. I think it's a (not at all) close second, lol. Thanks for reading!

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  11. I literally laughed out loud several times reading this review. My daughter is wondering what I'm going so nuts over. (She's 11, and even she has heard of Fifty Shades of Gray).

    I have no desire to see this movie, but in its defense, I've heard it is much less agonizingly horrible than the book upon which it's based. My favorite of all the articles that was published during the flurry of discussion over this movie was written by a dominatrix. She pointed out that FSoG in no way accurately represents the BDSM lifestyle, but the book has been tremendously useful to her in her profession. Apparently, after listening to a chapter of this magnum opus, her clients would beg for ten lashes with the whip instead -- much less painful.

    My son and I saw the preview for FSoG when we went to see American Sniper last year. We were both giggling like schoolgirls through the whole thing. Oh well. What do I know? I am almost 50 years old, and until people started talking about this movie, I had no idea "anal fisting" was even a thing. I come from a more innocent time, in which kids read National Geographic for the nudity.

    By the way, I like your Twitter photo. For the first time, I actually get to see what you look like. And, of course, the Santa suit is a nice touch.

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    1. You are the second commenter to say this is better than the book. How horrible could this book be? Was it written in crayon by a 12 year old perv?

      I am from the same time, though I was a bit more creative in finding nudity than most kids.

      And no. You still have no clue what I look like, lol. That was a pic of rapper Biz Markie that I re-tweeted. I am not into putting up pictures of myself so I can't say if/when I will. I will say, I more resemble my Twitter avatar than Biz.

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    2. OK -- This is embarrassing. I don't know why I made that assumption about the Twitter picture. What a doofus.

      I am only going on hearsay, so I don't know. Word on the street is that the books are slightly revised Twilight fan fic and the most obscene things about them is the terrible writing.

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    3. That seems to be the prevailing thought. Sadly.

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