2019 Blind Spot Series: Mallrats

So I'm actually rolling along with this Blind Spot thing in 2019. If I keep posting like this, I'll be done January 1, 2020. So ALMOST on time. That means I must apologize in advance to our host, Sofia at Returning Videotapes. I keep promising I'll do better. One of these days, I actually might. As for now, let's talk about today's movie.

Why did I pick it? Because Stan Lee has a cameo, duh. I could tell you things like I'm trying to work my way through director Kevin Smith's filmography, but that wouldn't be true. I wasn't a fan of Clerks, though I really like Clerks II. I also like Dogma a great deal. I think Zack and Miri was okay and I hated Cop Out. In short, I'm not opposed to watching his work, but not compelled to seek it out, either. I've been hearing about how great Mallrats was for years, and people seem to revere Smith. None of that sold me. What did it was watching a tribute to Stan Lee after his passing and seeing a clip of his brief moment in this movie. I had never seen this particular cameo within the context of its film. And here we are.

We first meet T.S. (Jeremy London) and his girlfriend Brandi (Claire Forlani). She informs him that she cannot go on their planned trip to Universal Studios because she has to fill in as a contestant on her dad's dating show. There are two bigger issues at play. Unbeknownst to Brandi, T.S. planned on proposing to Brandi on this trip. Brandi's not too pleased with him because his comments about the planned contestants weight apparently led her to commit suicide. And argument ensues and they break up. T. S. calls his bestest buddy Brodie (Jason Lee) who has just been dumped by his girlfriend Rene (Shannen Doherty) for being an uncompromising man-baby. T.S. and Brodie decide to head to the local mall for a day of therapeutic hanging out. Of course, Brodie spots Rene there with another guy. They also find out that Brandi's dad's dating show, featuring Brandi, is filming in the mall later that day. Shenanigans ensue.

Those shenanigans are where the initial problem lies. Much of the humor is just Brodie, and occasionally others, spouting off what appear to be Kevin Smith's philosophies. They feel ripped from a stand-up routine. Unfortunately, it's one I don't find funny. Joke after joke is hurled at me. I get them. They just don't make me laugh. This makes a movie that's barely ninety minutes long feel like an eternity. Cutaways to Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Kevin Smith, himself) exacerbate the problem. I get that they are Kevin Smith mainstays and pretty much have to be in it, but until very late, nothing they do is involved with the plot. They're just taking up time that could've been filled with anything else to help the movie along.

The way the characters develop, or don't, is also problematic. They are largely unchanged from the beginning of the film. Circumstances change, the people don't. When we get to the end, we get the feeling that the established relationships are on borrowed time. Mallrats wants to end with 'and they live happily ever after." However, it feels like 'and they live happily for a little while." This is especially true in the case of Brodie. Much of what happens springs from his addled mind and is put into action by even dimmer bulbs than him. I will grant that some of this is funny, but mostly not. A guy doing crazy things to get his girl back is old hat but everything these guys do is designed to intentionally screw up the trajectory he and T.S.'s lady friends have set their lives on, instead of proving themselves worthy of making these women rethink their own plans and deciding to take them back. The wool is pulled over the girls' eyes. What's going to happen when they wake up (again) and realize they're in the same predicament they were before this particular day. I suppose that's where the intended but never made sequel would come in.

Then there's the troublesome Tricia (Renee Humphrey). She is the one character who probably couldn't exist were this movie made (or remade) today. She's a fifteen-year-old genius who is already a senior in high school. That's not the problem. She's writing a book on the sex drives of men between the ages of fourteen and thirty. Okay, that's a little cringy, but still not the problem. The way she's researching for her book is by having sex with at least one man from every age within her chosen parameters. Any man will do as long as he's the right age. She proudly tells us how she slept with one of the other characters because she needed a twenty-six year-old. Furthermore, she videotapes all of the encounters, which figures prominently into the plot. The film celebrates her behavior and feels slimy because of it. All of that is the problem. It doesn't help that she's introduced as a friend of Brodie's. I have questions.

Thank goodness for Stan Lee. I grew up reading Marvel Comics. As an adult, I've watched tons of Marvel content in theaters and on TV, so I say that a lot in my head. While watching this movie, I said it out loud. He's only on screen for a few minutes. Smith's writing softens a bit, Lee's delivery is warm and fatherly, and the pace slows enough to allow us to digest it all. For that short amount of time the movie has real heart. Sadly, he takes it with him when he goes off-screen. What makes it more disappointing is that this fleeting moment proves that Smith could have delivered a more balanced movie where the characters have real arcs and develop a real connection between themselves and the audience. They don't have to be likable but they should elicit some sort of emotion. Here, it's just a bunch of dickheads doing dickhead things. Whether or not you like this movie depends on how funny you think these particular dickheads are. They didn't tickle my funny bone, so Mallrats doesn't work for me.

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