Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

Directed by Thor Freudenthal.

2013. Rated PG, 106 minutes.

Cast:

Logan Lerman

Alexandra Daddario

Brandon T. Jackson

Stanley Tucci

Nathan Fillion

Douglas Smith

Leven Rambin

Jake Abel

Anthony Head

Paloma Kwiatkowski

Derek Mears

Things seem to be all hunky dory at Camp Half-Blood when there are a couple of odd occurrences. Our hero, Percy Jackson (Lermer) finds out he has a half-brother who is a cyclops. Next, the mystical barrier that keeps intruders out of the camp is broken, leading to an epic battle with an angry magical (and mechanical) bull that ends with the return of a certain bad guy. Lastly, the bumbling idiots who run the place inform Percy of the prophecy that says he will either save Mount Olympus or destroy it in the attempt. The Golden Fleece seems to be the cure for all their ails. This means going on a quest to find and retrieve it, and of course, saving or destroying...yeah, that.

Once again, Percy has his trusty cohorts Grover (Jackson) and Annabeth (Daddario) in tow. The three share an easy chemistry that serves the movie well. To that mix, Tyson (Smith) the half-brother is added. The four of them provide a pleasant enough quartet. there's a little more than a hint of sexual tension between Percy and Annabeth which drives their scenes together. She also has a raging hatred of Tyson that plays into the moral of the story. There is also Grover in full Magical Negro/comic relief mode, ever ready with some silliness to keep things from getting too heavy. None of this is exceptionally good or bad. It just sort of is and helps us roll along innocuously.

The rest of the cast is a slightly better. Not surprisingly, Stanley Tucci fares best in his role as the weary Dionysus (Mr. D), an instructor at the camp. All the man wants is a drink of wine. However, his verbal taunting of the gods has cost him this small pleasure. It's not uproariously funny, but his scenes are consistently humorous. another bright spot is Derek Mears as a big, evil cyclops. He's not going into the villain hall of fame or anything, but he provides a decent counterpoint to our heroes.

Similarly to the blandness of most of the characters, the plot unfolds in not-so-thrilling fashion. It just hits all the spots it's supposed to when it's supposed to. Nothing unexpected takes place. This makes tension the biggest casualty of all the story-telling devices. We just never feel like the good guys are in any real danger. True, going into a kid-friendly adventure like this we know the good guys are going to win. However, this movie fails to ever approach making us doubt the fact. Instead of hanging on to the edge of our seats, we're more likely to be comfortably slouched against the back of them and checking our watches.

Lots of movies of this caliber, narratively, manage to save themselves with plenty of action. This one tries, it just fails miserably. The main culprit is shoddy cgi. When the mayem breaks loose, things start looking cartoonish, but not like this was done on purpose. It further adds to the sense that we have nothing to worry about in regards to the hero's well being. We're snatched from being involved in the movie, to being reminded we're watching one. No matter how many I've seen, good films draw me into the world on the screen, regardless of how far-fetched it might be. I become invested in the events playing out before me. This is more like a stranger stooping in front of your window to tie his shoe. It might be sort of interesting, but not a compelling event. Whatever fascination it may hold passes when they stand up and continue on their way. Shortly, you may forget it ever happened. Percy Jackson stoops in front of your window to tie his shoe.

Texas Chainsaw 3D

Directed by John Luessenhop.

2012. Rated R, 92 minutes.

Cast:

Alexandra Daddario

Dan Yeager

Trey Songz

Scott Eastwood

Tania Raymonde

Shaun Sipos

James MacDonald

Thom Barry

Bill Moseley

Paul Rae

Gunnar Hansen

David Born

In true reboot fashion, Texas Chainsaw decides to ignore all the sequels and remakes that came before it and link itself directly to the original. In this case, that means re-working the ending of the original, using actual footage to sync it with the story being told in this newer version. After the events of the classic, the twisted family’s baby was snuck away by a couple incapable of reproducing while the evil clan is being slaughtered by the townspeople. Wait…what? Okay, none of this is even remotely implied by the original, but whatever. Let’s just fast-forward to the present, to somewhere that’s not Texas, and we meet the roughly college-aged Heather (Daddario). It quickly becomes obvious that she was the baby in the opening scene. However, in case you have doubts she finds out she’s inherited a great big house from her grandmother in the Lone Star State even though she thought all of her grandparents died before she was even born. Never you mind the fact she should be closer to 40 than 20, given the fact of when that first movie was made and the dates this movie uses itself. The important thing to note is that after arriving at her new house with a few friends in tow, she finds out there is another surviving member of the family: Jed, AKA Leatherface (Yeager). He’s been locked in the basement for all these years. When he gets out, well, chainsawing ensues.

What I like most about this addition to the series is that it gets right to it and never lets up no matter how ridiculous it is. Much of the killing from the original is incorporated into the beginning, including the killing of the family. All that inheritance stuff is set up fairly quickly. The ladies in the viewing audience get to see R&B star Trey Songz without a  shirt. Fellas, we get Heather’s supposed friend aggressively trying to get into her boyfriend’s pants. That boyfriend is Trey Songz, of course. The dialogue is horrible. The acting is the standard “meh” fitting a relatively big budget horror flick starring no one you’d pay to see. But hey, chainsawing ensues and all is good.

In the midst of all the flesh cuttin’ another villain is presented. After all, we have to find a way to make Leatherface a cute and cuddly sympathetic figure, right? Okay, not so cute…or cuddly, but definitely sympathetic. They think. Well, really, it’s a setup for another sequel. What did you expect? I expected nothing less. As long as whatever cockamamie plot they come up with next is just as eye-rollingly bad and chainsawing ensues, I’m there.

What? You’d thought I’d be all upset about this movie pissing all over the seminal classic? I understand why you might think that. I mean, it does haphazardly re-write the conclusion of its source material adding random characters and situations. Am I supposed to be outraged that all of the slasher movie tropes are lazily employed? Yes, that guy goes to investigate the foreboding basement and walks right up to the metal door obviously meant to contain something dangerous. Yes, the girl that has sex gets hacked up. And yes, the other girl falls while running through the woods, away from the killer. Here’s the deal: going in, I didn't pretend that this was anything other than an attempt to cash in on the franchise name. I didn't expect any great tension to be created. I just wanted chainsawing to ensue. It did, and the movie is goofy. And bloody. And beyond dumb. And so, I am happy. In other words, it’s so bad it’s awesome!