Sunday, September 13, 2015

Terrible Movie Summaries #7


You know how it goes. Someone tells you they saw a movie and you ask "what is it about?" That person then launches into a long, drawn out explanation. Or, you click on Dell on Movies only to see a wall of text you don't feel like dealing with. This is my attempt at helping you out. I summarize a bunch of movies in one sentence. One freaking sentence. Am I always accurate? Well, judge for yourself.

300: Rise of an Empire - A dominatrix tries to seduce a latent homosexual man.


Birdman - A delusional man struggles to impress others.


The Boy Next Door - A hot high school teacher seduces one of her impressionable students.




Carrie - A girl gets her period and kills everyone at the prom.


Dredd - The first American remake of The Raid: Redemption.


Get Hard - A black man embraces racist stereotypes and threatens a white man with rape.




The Grand Budapest Hotel - A family is destroyed when it's discovered that the just deceased matriarch left a valuable family heirloom to the young stud she was banging.


Jurassic World - Mass employee incompetence endangers unsuspecting customers at a theme park.


Kingsman: The Secret Service - The promise of anal sex drives a man to murder a woman who is a double amputee and a man with a severe speech impediment.




Magic Mike - Male strippers fully expose themselves to each other, but not their exclusively female clientele.


Natural Born Killers - A loving young couple must overcome incredible odds to be together.


Neighbors - College students attempt to overcome the oppressive restrictions set forth by suburban tyrants.




Nightcrawler - Hard working entrepreneur struggles to make his latest business venture work.


Taken 3 - One man murders a bunch of people in an effort to prove he's innocent of murder.


Titanic - A dedicated band performs through adverse conditions at a concert venue.


Van Helsing - A white man hunts down members of various minority groups.



32 comments:

  1. The one about Carrie made me laugh.

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  2. I loved this post already but that Van Helsing one had me cry with laughter! Great post!

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  3. DYING at Kingsman, Magic Mike and Carrie! DYING!!!

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  4. Chinatown - A private investigator takes a look at a growing city's water-management problems.

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  5. Funny stuff, my friend. Wouldn't mind your thoughts on what Lord of The Rings might turn out....

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    1. Thanks. I'll keep that in mind for future installments.

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  6. Love all of these, but Taken 3 in particular had me laughing out loud!
    - Allie

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  7. King Kong - Maverick film director's career change to Broadway sideshow promoter ends in disaster because of moody showbiz novice.

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    1. Lol...or...A rare and exotic animal stolen from its natural habitat and shot to death.

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  8. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? - When a former child star's comeback plans don't work out, she takes her invalid sister to the beach and steals ice cream.

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  9. I chuckled at Carrie, Get Hard, and Kingsman, but then snorted at Titanic and Van Helsing. LOVE these posts!

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  10. OMG these are great. Loved Carrie, Kingsman, Jurassic World, and 300.

    You make Nightcrawler sound so innocent too.

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    1. Thanks!

      Hey, Lou was just an honest guy trying to get by. ;)

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  11. Monty Python and the Holy Grail - God's plan is thwarted at the last minute by four bobbies and a paddy wagon.

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    1. Is it silly of me that even though I'm American I read "four bobbies and a paddy wagon" in an English accent? Good stuff.

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  12. Brilliant. Died at Jurassic World.

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  13. Dracula - Immigrant faces flagrant discrimination in Northern England.

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  14. Love these. The ones for Carrie and Natural Born Killers had me rolling.

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  15. Lol, the premise of all three taken films are stupid haha.
    Loving the Magic Mike and Kingsman ones though hahah.

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  16. At least the first one was pretty good. Too bad about the sequels. Thanks!

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