Thursday Movie Picks: Movies About Assassins

Once again, it's that wonderful day of the week that most of you only like slightly more than Wednesday because it's one step closer to Friday. Around here, Thursday has recently gotten a sprucing up thanks to Wanderer at Wandering Through the Shelves and her Thursday Movie Picks Meme.

Yes, this is the part where I urge you to swing by her place, check out the blog and join the Thursday fun.

Do it.

Now.

Just make sure you come back here, at some point.

Soon.

This week's theme is "Movies About Assassins." No shortage of those, so I didn't have too much trouble picking this week. In fact, I had way too many to choose from. I had to narrow it down some way. Therefore, I settled on three that don't take themselves serious, at all. Not even a little bit. These are three movies filled with blood soaked action, profane profanity, and situations so far over the top ridiculous doesn't even begin to describe them. All three are underappreciated, so I've no choice but to call them hidden gems.

Shoot 'em Up

Clive Owen does not play an assassin. However, he is trying to protect an infant from one. Just how insane is this movie? It starts with the delivery of said baby by Owen amidst a shootout that includes the death of the mother. Owen engages in another shootout literally while having sex with Monica Bellucci. The assassin who is always hot on our hero's trail is played with mustache twirling brilliance by Paul Giamatti. It's all a bit much to take in, but it's totally worth it when you do. Don't believe me? Take it from the late great Roger Ebert. About this movie he wrote "I may disapprove of a movie for going too far, and yet have a sneaky regard for a movie that goes much, much farther than merely too far." And he gave it 3 1/2 stars out of four.

Smokin' Aces 

This one features a cast of thousands (not quite). Most of them are hitmen trying to kill a magician/gangster played with sleaze dripping from every pore by Jeremy Piven to keep him from testifying against a Las Vegas mob boss. The roster of killers includes Chris Pine, Kevin Durand, Peter Berg, Taraji P. Henson, Common, and even Alicia Keys. Don't worry Piven's got some help from the likes of Ryan Reynolds, Ray Liotta, Andy Garcia, Common, and Jason Bateman giving what I consider his finest (and most disturbing) performance. "The Critics' Consensus" on rottentomatoes.com for this film is that it's "a violent mess of a movie." And like that's somehow a bad thing, it only earned a 28% rating. Ladies and gentlemen, I am the 28%.

Crank

It doesn't get any more ridiculous than this. Jason Statham plays an assassin who makes a hit that has some unforeseen consequences. He finds himself poisoned with a drug that inhibits the flow of adrenaline and will eventually slow his heart down enough to kill him. Well, it will kill him if he can't keep his heart rate up. To do so, he does everything you could possibly think of, and then some. Take methamphetamines? Check. Get into fights with both gangsters and the police? Check. Have sex in the middle of the street? Check. Of course, he does all this while trying to get the guys who did this to him. Does it always make sense? No. Is it often downright sadistic? Yup. Do you need to "turn your brain off" to enjoy this? It wouldn't hurt. What? I don't see the problem.

Bonus pick!

Crank: High Voltage

Just because I couldn't let you escape without mentioning the sequel. I'll keep this one short and simple. Suffice it to say when I wrote 'it doesn't get any more ridiculous than this' about the original, I lied.

Bonus Bonus Pick!!

The Big Hit

I won't say too much about this one since I used it as a Thursday Movie Pick a few weeks back. Click here.

Click here for more Thursday Movie Picks.

The Pirates! Band of Misfits

Directed by Peter Lord and Jeff Newitt.

2012. Rated PG, 88 minutes.

Cast:

Hugh Grant

Martin Freeman

Imelda Staunton

David Tennant

Jeremy Piven

Salma Hayek

Lenny Henry

Brian Blessed

The Pirate Captain (Grant) is feeling down in the dumps. All he wants is to be Pirate of the Year. Unfortunately, reality smacks him and he comes to grips with the fact that he’s not been very successful at his chosen vocation. He tightens up his crew a bit and doubles down on his effort, but even that doesn't go very well. However, he finds out that he may have had a treasure hidden right in his beard the whole time. He takes over a boat manned by the one and only Charles Darwin (Tennant), who has nothing of value. Still, Darwin realizes that the Pirate Captain’s parrot is actually not a parrot, but the only living dodo bird and informs him it is worth untold riches. The problem is to reap this benefit, the Pirate Captain and crew have to go to London which is ruled by the sworn enemy of pirates everywhere, Queen Victoria (Staunton).

Overall, this is a fun adventure filled with clever little jokes. The voice work by Hugh Grant is excellent and the story moves nicely along. Grant’s Captain is funny in a self-deprecating way, complemented well by both his dim-witted crew and the occasional appearance of other, more boisterous pirates. These include a really fun turn by Salma Hayek’s Cutlass Liz, the only woman up for Pirate of the Year. Imelda Staunton’s Queen Victoria is not to be outdone, either. Sight gags are also mixed in to great effect, especially the sudden costumes our heroes turn up in. Verbally, Pirates prefers subtly inserted punchlines to the obvious or crass. All of this comes together in a solid package.

Unfortunately, Pirates may be a victim of its own style. While there are plenty of action scenes, the whole thing comes off as a bit understated in comparison to most other kiddie flicks. The loud-mouthed sidekick is missing, as are the fart jokes and the prerequisite love story. Though not entirely original, it’s different enough to knock it down a notch in the eyes of its target audience, even as that may elevate it in the eyes of the parents. It is also at a visual disadvantage. It’s use of clay-mation gives it a bit of a dated look, especially to kids weaned on Pixar movies.

The end result seems to be a family movie more suited for the grownups than the children. That’s not to say that kids can’t or won’t enjoy it. It just feels as if us older folk will get more enjoyment out of this one. Many of the things we chuckle at may fly right over their heads. Honestly, this is perfectly fine by me. I feel I’m owed one after sitting through Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, Journey 2, Yogi Bear, etc.

MY SCORE: 7.5/10