The Slasher Cast-A-Thon: Dell's Entry

A couple weeks ago, I opened invitations for my fellow bloggers to take part in the Slasher Cast-A-Thon. The idea is fairly simple. Come up a bunch of characters you'd like to kill off (who weren't actually THE villain of their movie) and then find one you'd love to survive.

There are some official rules. You can see those by clicking here.

Now, let's kill some folks off...

The Victims

Madea

Way Too Many Tyler Perry Movies

(2005-???)

I'm begging someone...anyone...please kill this woman...er...man...in the most horrible, gruesome fashion imaginable. The high-pitch shrieking, the purposely mutilated words, the ridiculously unfunny "humor," I just can't take it anymore. I hate to play into the traditional trope of killing off a black character first, but if this is the one, I'm all for it.

Private Timothy E. Upham

Saving Private Ryan

(1998)

Take a good look at that pic. This is merely the first instance where I wanted this young terrified soldier to be killed. At this very moment a member of his own unit is being slaughtered while he does this. I'm screaming at the screen for him to do something and no, nothing. Well, not until much later in the film when he suddenly decides to execute the man who was in their doing the killing. Since this was too little, too late, it marked the second instance I wanted him dead.

Lala Bonilla

He Got Game

(1998)

Normally, I'm completely against killing off high school girls, especially one played by the lovely Rosario Dawson. In this case, however, I think my desire to see her separated from life is warranted. She's the girlfriend of the hottest high school hoops star in the land. Not merely content to ride that gravy train, she hedges her bet by cheating on him with a potential agent. Again, I'll use the pic to support my stance. That's her sure-fire superstar ball playing boyfriend on the phone while some other dude's hand is creeping up over her naked back and shoulder. Oh yeah, this chick has to die.

Sandra and Van

Compliance

(2012)

Sandra is the manager at a fast-food joint. When a "cop" calls her on the phone and orders her to strip search an employee he suspects of theft she just goes along with it. That's right, this "cop" isn't even in the same room, just tells her to do this on the phone. Later, her boyfriend Van proves twice as dumb when he winds up sexually assaulting the woman under the orders of the person on the other end of the line. The only thing worse than either one of these two is the fact that everything they do is based heavily on facts from real life cases. Yup, these two morons deserve a slow, painful death.

Annakin Skywalker

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

(2002)

This is a tough one for me. Killing him means taking out someone who would go on to become one of the great movie villains of all time. Keeping him means endorsing one of the worst performances in a big budget movie in the history of film. And one of the worst written. I'm okay with keeping the kid that played the even younger version in The Phantom Menace, even though most of you hate him. Somehow, we have to keep Vader. Let's just slaughter this version and re-write the whole damn movie.

Bella Swan and Edward Cullen

The Twilight Series

(2008-2012)

Do I really have to explain this one? For me, the fact that they are single-handedly responsible for the complete neutering of the vampire that has taken place over the last decade. On top of that they are miserable people in miserable movies and I want them killed. Preferably, they will be taken out together while wrapped in a pale embrace. That way, one stake can simultaneously go through both of their hearts.

Yes, boys and girls there will be a survivor. A...

Final Girl

Su Lin

Enter the Dragon

(1973)

Since we've been busy sending people to their early demise, how about bringing back one who met hers? Yes, Su Lin actually died during her one and only scene in the iconic Enter the Dragon. However, it's obvious the girl has got ungodly sorts of strength. After all, she died by her own hand rather than be violated by a gang of thugs. Before actually finishing herself off, she gives them all they can handle by kicking their asses all over the place before finally getting cornered. Of course, she did. She is the sister of the movie's hero, none other than the one and only Bruce Lee. She's got what it takes to handle some lone psycho. And I so want her to live, so here she is.


Alrighty, boys and girls. That's my roster of victims, plus a heroine. It's not too late to post yours. This blogathon runs right up through Halloween!

Click here for other Blogathon related posts.

Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection

 

Directed by Tyler Perry.

2012. Rated PG-13, 114 minutes.

Cast:

Tyler Perry

Eugene Levy

Denise Richards

Doris Roberts

Romeo Miller

John Amos

Marla Gibbs

Tom Arnold

Danielle Campbell

Devan Leos

Frank Brennan

Nelson Bonilla

Tyler Perry is back in drag, yet again. This time around, Madea’s FBI agent nephew Brian (also Perry) talks her into hiding an entire family while its patriarch George (Levy) is waiting to testify against the mob. His brood is made up of his wife Kate (Richards), their two teen aged children Cindy (Campbell) and Howie (Leos) and George’s senile mother Barbara (Roberts). Already living with her is her brother Joe (Perry the third). Finally, Jake (Miller) is always around trying to figure out how we will get the money to pay off his church’s mortgage after losing it through bad investments. Trite jokes about race and class plus an admittedly rehashed plotline from a Whoopi Goldberg movie ensues.

By now, I’m 99% immune to the character Madea. I didn’t find her all that funny all those years ago when she first took over the black theater circuit in the plays that served as a springboard to fame and fortune for her performer and creator, Tyler Perry. Now, with each installment in the canon, I find her incrementally less humorous. That’s a problem in a movie where she does lots more talking than anyone else. Obviously, since these pictures keep raking in the loot, it’s a “me” problem, but whatever. More of an issue is that no one else is particularly funny, either. Perry does have some chuckle-worthy moments as Joe, mostly because of the reactions than anything he actually says. Eugene Levy also manages a couple. In a cameo right at the beginning, Tom Arnold is really good. Wily vet Doris Roberts has the most success. She steals all of her scenes though the material she’s working with is hardly groundbreaking. Her moments with Joe are the most entertaining. Unfortunately, the jokes are all paint-by-numbers. Madea or Joe does something “black” and the family has a “white” reaction or vice-versa.

The story is similarly conventional. The next point in the arc is always easy to sniff out, especially since there is nothing that even threatens to throw us off the scent. So the movie never generates any palpable sense of danger. The one element that may have helped, the people George is protesting against are pretty much absent from the movie. This makes it impossible to see what everyone’s so afraid of. No effort is put into making me give a flip about these people. Without any real heart, Madea’s Witness Protection is just a string of jokes, almost all of which we’ve heard before.

MY SCORE: 2/10

Madea's Big Happy Family

Directed by Tyler Perry.
2011. Rated PG-13, 106 minutes.
Cast:
Tyler Perry
Loretta Devine
Cassi Davis
Shannon Kane
David Mann
Tamela Mann
Bow Wow
Lauren London
Teyana Taylor
Rodney Perry

Director Tyler Perry’s most famous creation is back for another adventure. This time, the big family actually belongs to Shirley (Devine) and they are anything but happy. Shirley has come down with an almost immediately terminal form of cancer. Her doctor informs her she only has four to six weeks to live. She’s actually been battling this for seven years and was thought to be in remission. Her family knows none of this. She decides the only way to let them know what’s going on is to have them all over for a grand dinner and break the news after they’ve filled their bellies. However, as soon as her three adult children lay eyes on each other sparks fly, tempers flare and they all flee in different directions. This mix is made even more volatile by the fact that aside from their problems with their siblings they all bring and display their issues with their spouses and children, as well. The two daughters treat their husbands like dirt and the son has baby mama drama and a gold digging girlfriend. As a dear friend of Shirley’s, Madea is asked to help straighten up this dysfunctional bunch.

From the very beginning it is clear that this is classic Tyler Perry. Everything is over the top, both dramatically and comedically, problems mount at an alarming speed, and there’s plenty of sermonizing. This is the director’s tried and true formula. That formula is largely influenced by the movie Soul Food. Much of his work mimics that movie’s tone and style with Madea and/or others adding extra zaniness and homespun wisdom. Here, we practically get a remake. A television set full of money seems to be the only thing missing.

Even without understanding this, most of his core audience doesn’t even get to be surprised by all the plot developments because they’ve likely seen the play of the same name Perry created, toured around the country and sold on DVD the year before. They still flock to his movies, though. It’s become a genius marketing plan. He’s created an entire industry where duplication of product is not only expected but ravenously craved by its consumers.

From my viewpoint, Madea’s Big Happy Family is a colossal disappointment. Part of the problem is its exactly the same as every other movie with the name “Madea” attached to it, as well as a few others. What makes it feel worse than those is it comes on the hells of “For Colored Girls.” Whether you liked that movie or not, it showed Perry as an artist willing to take risks and leave his comfort zone. Even if he didn’t stray very far he still tried to stretch his wings some. Since he has the eyes and ears of so many trained on his every action. I hoped that FCG signaled the start of an artistic growth spurt. I hoped he had either found something more to say or was at least willing to try different ways of delivering his message. Lastly, I hoped he was becoming confident enough to let his audience question what they’ve seen which may in turn make them question themselves and stimulate their own growth. Instead, we get a regression to the norm. It’s a highly profitable norm, but it’s a spiritually unfulfilling one. This is particularly troublesome given the Christian slant to his work. It reaffirms what his core fans already believ in but doesn’t encourage them to do anything more than nod in agreement, laugh and wait impatiently for the next installment in the Tyler Perry canon.

For those that are fans, this is right up your alley. Madea is as outrageous as ever. Mr. Brown (David Mann), Cora (Tamela Mann) and Joe (the director in a dual role) are back for good measure. The movie moves swiftly and maintains a southern gospel tint. Every second of it is precisely who we know Tyler Perry to be. It never once threatens to be anything more. The question is does this float your boat, or not?

MY SCORE: 4/10