Black Mama, White Mama

Directed by Eddie Romero.

1973. Rated R, 87 minutes.

Cast:

Pam Grier

Margaret Markov

Sid Haig

Lynn Borden

Zaldy Zshornack

Laurie Burton

Eddie Garcia

Alona Alegre

Dindo Fernando

Vic Diaz

Wendy Green

Lotis Key

Alfonso Carvajal

Black Mama, not actually called this in the movie, is played by the incomparable Pam Grier. That’s really all you need to know. Okay, maybe that’s all I need to know. After all, she’s Pam Grier. Any further description is unnecessary. For me. Since you’re not me, and probably not Pam Grier, I’ll indulge you with some of the particulars of this cinematic experience.

We meet Black Mama, and White Mama, on the bus on their way to an all-female prison camp where the two will be inmates. Black Mama is serving time on a possession charge. White Mama, not actually called this and played by a not so bad herself, Margaret Markov, is something of a political prisoner. We’re told she’s a revolutionary. Exactly what kind of revolutionary and what she’s fighting for, I’m not sure. Just suffice it to say it’s the 1970s and revolution is in the air.

The first third of the movie is pure testosterone driven Women-in-Prison fantasy. Mass shower scene? Check. Horseplay between the ladies during said shower scene? Check. All female and horny lesbian prison guards? Check. Horny lesbian guards getting rough with anyone that steps out of line? Check. All of these checks lead to our heroines being locked in “The Oven,” a form of (not exactly) solitary confinement. It’s basically a box barely big enough for the two ladies to stand inside back-to-back. There’s not even enough room for them to wear tops! Why no, nothing so far at all qualifies as gratuitous nudity. I mean, it’s all germane to the plot. Okay, I’m lying. Don’t judge me.

Right after getting out of “The Oven,” the ladies are informed they’re being taken elsewhere because some higher ups want to ask both of them some questions. This means another bus ride, only now, the two are shackled together. White Mama’s revolutionary buddies attack the bus and engage the cops in a shootout, during which the Mamas escape into the woods. From here, we get a rehash of The Defiant Ones, only with more guns, Sid Haig and random boobies all over the place. This. Is. Heaven.

Wait..what? Did I say that out loud? I’ll admit I can occasionally get in a really shallow mood and this movie perfectly fits those times. Then again, I’m not sure if my love for it speaks to my shallowness or my depth. What I mean is Pam Grier touches me in a deep…too much? Sorry. Give me a moment. I’m putting my ‘objective reviewer’ cap back on and adjusting it so that it fits…just…so. There.

Horrible, cringe-inducing dialogue? Check. Both intentional AND unintentional humor? Check. Wooden acting? Check. Excessive cheese, sleaze, and shameless exploitation? Check. Check. Double check.

And it stars Pam Grier. Drool. To hell with that objective nonsense. All of this movie’s sins are hereby forgiven. Henceforth, Black Mama, White Mama shall forever be described by the best, greatest, loveliest, most wonderful, terrific, terrible, worst, most horrible, crappiest, yet still endearing term in the history of moviedom: so bad it’s awesome!

Strike of the Tortured Angels

Directed by Roy Rosenburg.

1982. Not Rated, 80 minutes.
Cast:
Susan Lee
Stella Jone
Laura Sode-Matteson
George Bill
Larry Moore
Jim Man

From time to time I go trolling for movies that I think might be so bad, they’re awesome. As you might imagine, I’m also up late a couple times a week watching movies. Sometimes this leads me to scour my own DVD collection for titles that I either haven’t seen in a long time, or never at all and looking for the shortest runtime. These are the reasons I found myself on the couch watching Strike of the Tortured Angels. I happened to pick up one of those DVD sets of grindhouse type movies (20 of them!) and there it was, listed at 80 minutes. With no idea what I was getting into, I popped it in and pressed play. Oops.

Of course, it’s true I could’ve turned it off and went to bed at any time. However, once I’ve decided on a movie I’m watching it all the way through. Occasionally, this means I’ll discover that I really like a movie that didn’t start so hot. Often enough, I’ll find it to be at least a decent watch. Every now and again, this will happen.

Things start off promisingly enough. By promising, I mean SotTA seems well on its way to so bad its awesome status. Everything about the first five minutes screams unintentional humor. We open with a bunch of girls on a prison bus. Yes! We’re going to a get a Women in Prison (WIP) flick! In the world of god-awful films that people love, these are a gold mine. The next sign this should be wonderfully terrible is we’re hearing English despite the fact we’re witnessing a scene obviously not in America and featuring only Asians. I know that’s not impossible but definitely unexpected. Sure enough, the movements of their mouths don’t quite match the words I hear. And sure enough, this was made in Hong Kong. The most surreal part of this whole experience is that the whole time there are Swedish, or perhaps German, subtitles going that you can’t turn off. The fun here is seeing how close some of the words are to English.

Let’s get back to the prison bus. Susan (Lee, I think – credits don’t tell who is who), one of our soon-to-be heroines tries a daring escape while the guards tend to a flat tire. Cutting to the chase, her and one of the guards wind up wrestling in the mud lake right off to the side of the road. They actually do more sloshing around than wrestling. Hey, I told you we get off to a good start.

Things get even better when the absolute bizarre is thrown into the mix. It turns out our other heroine, Julie, is black. What’s so strange about that, you ask? I’ll tell you. Our black heroine is played by an Asian woman in blackface and wearing a nappy Afro wig. OMG, as my kids would say. Yes, I literally said this as soon as I saw her. Who thought this was a good idea? Is there any reason we have to have a black character in a movie set on the outskirts of Hong Kong? Why of course, there is. A few minutes after the girls arrive at the prison, actually a reform school we find out, she gets into it with one of the veteran inmates that picks a fight with her. After beating the girl senseless, she spouts off this little gem: “My skin may be black, but I’m a human being!” Who says China has human rights issues? By the way, it should be noted that we soon discover she’s dying of tuberculosis and has special “medicine” for it. Okay, whatever.

Despite such an auspicious start, things fall apart quickly. The first sign we’re circling the drain comes right after the ladies get to prison. At this point in most WIP flicks we get the gratuitous mass disrobing and/or showering scene as the inmates are introduced into the prison population. That happens here, as well. The major difference between this and most others of its ilk is in SotTA we only get a succession of bare shoulders or naked calves. See, there was a reason I chose that pic at the top. Before you blast me for lamenting the lack of nudity, hear me out. WIP flicks in general are lazily written b-moves about rebellion and/or revenge. By the way, this chooses the latter. Let me pause here for a sec to give you a little more plot info. Susan vows revenge on the doctor responsible for her sister’s suicide after getting the girl pregnant and telling her to have an abortion. Now, he’s banging her mom because she’s one of the head honchos at the hospital where he works and can help advance his career. What a guy! Oh, wait…what a mom!

Anyhoo, WIP flicks aren’t going to be big special fx extravaganzas to draw in big crowds, either. Their only value is in the entertainment they provide for their target audience by being exploitive and tasteless. The botched shower scene lets me know this will offer up very tame versions of both, not nearly enough of either to justify the fifty bucks or so it probably cost to make. Indeed, nearly everything that follows is a meeker version of other WIP movies. There are a few unintentional laughs to be had, but it’s mostly a dull 80 minutes.