Sunshine

Directed by Danny Boyle.
2007. Rated PG-13, 107 minutes.
Cast:
Cilian Murphy
Chris Evans
Rose Byrne
Michelle Yeoh

Fifty years into the future the great sustainer of life, the sun, has started dying. Eight scientists/astronauts are on their way to the fading star with a giant nuclear bomb strapped to their ship, the ominously named Icarus II. They hope to release the bomb into the sun, then detonate it in hopes of reigniting it and save mankind from freezing to death. We learn that seven years earlier the same thing was attempted by a crew aboard what else? The Icarus I. No one involved was ever heard from until our heroes pick up their distress signal. There are decisions to make, tempers to calm, emergencies to quell and consequences to deal with. All of this is handled well as the opposing forces of selfishness and selflessness. In the bigger picture, there’s also man’s will to survive vs. God’s plan. However, if you’re paying attention and have seen the Ridley Scott classic you’ll notice a number of references to [i]Alien[/i]. It feels like a nice homage at first. I was hoping it was just that and not a sign of things to come. After all, the tension from such an inherently dangerous and important mission is more than enough to carry the movie. Alas, directory Danny Boyle can’t control himself and we find ourselves suddenly thrust into a very weird space-monster movie. Lame.

SCORE: 5/10

Red Riding Hood

Directed by Catherine Hardwicke.
2011. Rated PG-13, 100 minutes.
Cast:
Amanda Seyfried
Gary Oldman
Shiloh Fernandez
Virginia Madsen
Billy Burke
Max Irons
Julie Christie
Lukas Haas
Shauna Kain
Adrian Holmes
Michael Hogan

The gang’s all here. We have a not-so-little Red Riding Hood (Seyfried), Grandma (Christie) and the woodcutter (Fernandez). It should go without saying that we have a big bad wolf. In this case we don’t just follow Red, er, Valerie on her trip to Grandma’s. The wolf is not quite the same as we’ve been reading all these years. It’s a werewolf and it is terrorizing the entire village. Understandably, the villagers are on edge because it has decided to attack for the first time in twenty years. Apparently, the animal sacrifices they’ve continuously given over that period are no longer enough. Even more disconcerting, no one know its human identity. Any one of them could be the big bad wolf. Reluctantly, they hire Solomon (Oldman), who specializes in this sort of thing, and his band of unmerry men to find and kill this evil creature.

It’s an interesting premise. Though its know the world over as a children’s story, the original tale is actually violent and dark. Therefore, reimagining it as a horror flick is not quite the leap many believe it is. In that story, the wolf eats Grandma and would do the same to Little Red Riding Hood if not for the Woodcutter taking an axe to him. See? And I haven’t even mentioned the pedophilic and cross-dressing aspects. Honestly, this removes those particular subtexts and adds some of its own. Freedom of religion, adultery and uncomfortably implied incest all figure into the proceedings. Add in some werewolf attacks and bouts of mob mentality and you get a wild ride through an ancient village.

With all of these things swirling about, Red Riding Hood should be an infinitely more enjoyable watch. Sadly, it botches the one thing at which it tries hardest: the love story. We all knew there would be one. It seems you can hardly make a movie without that element. Our Red…Valerie...is sort of engaged in a love triangle. She’s been in love with the Woodcutter, er Peter, her entire life. However, due to her family’s lack of funds it’s been arranged without her consent for her to marry Henry (Irons). The whole thing is way too reminiscent of Twilight. That should be no surprise since director Catherine Hardwicke helmed the first film in that franchise. Even if you don’t like those movies (or books) you have to admit the Edward vs. Jacob dynamic provides some sparks. Here, there is no such excitement because both guys seem to have Edward’s demeanor and personality. Not to mention that I’m not so sure either guy can give Robert Pattinson a run for his money in the acting department, as bad as that is. The portions of RRH that focus on this are tedious work to sift through.

Fortunately, what’s going on with Red’s family is far more intriguing and keeps the movie somewhat afloat. The same can be said for Solomon, his hunting of the werewolf and his interactions with the villagers. Gary Oldman plays it to the hilt, as always. Though his character is here to do a good thing, we’re not sure whether we like him or not. That’s a good thing. On the other hand, it never scares us and judging by the less than thrilling werewolf attacks, it doesn’t really try to. Still, combine this with a lame love story and RRH has a very uneven feel. It vacillates between intriguing and boring without ever settling on either.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

The Batman vs. Dracula

Directed by Michael Goguen.
2005 . Not Rated, 84 minutes.
Cast:
Rino Romano
Peter Stormare
Tara Strong
Tom Kenny

While trying to beat the Joker (Kevin Michael Richardson) to a treasure buried in Gotham Cemetery, the Penguin (Kenny) accidentally awakens the legendary Dracula (Stormore). The Prince of Darkness then tries to take over Gotham by creating an army of undead. Of course, none of this sits well with the Batman. It’s a little strange seeing the Dark Knight battle a supernatural villain but it’s well done like most of the animated fare concerning Batman. However, I will admit the reason Dracula came to be buried in Gotham City is completely contrived. Other than that, the action comes fast, Batsy does some serious detective work and even whips out the garlic-tipped weaponry. It’s a little more graphic than I was expecting but it fits the plot since we are dealing with vampires here. All in all, good stuff but I may be a bit biased being a big Batman fan.

Piranha (2010)

Directed by Alexandre Aja.

2010.
Rated R, 88 minutes.
Cast:
Elisabeth Shue
Steven R. McQueen
Jerry O’Connell
Jessica Szohr
Kelly Brook
Brooklynn Proulx
Paul Scheer
Ving Rhames
Christopher Lloyd
Richard Dreyfuss
Eli Roth
Gianna Michaels

Boobie and butts, blood and guts. I could probably stop there and you’d have all t he information you need about the 2010 version of Piranha. Just in case you somehow need more, I’ll tell you just a bit. Its set during spring break at a very popular lake. Let that marinate for a minute and you’ll probably get the idea. Is there a plot? Sure. Who cares, though? It’s only a dumb horror flick, right? Yup. What? You thought I was gonna get all deep and philosophical? Nope. What it all boils down to is this: there are coeds all over the lake as far as the eye can see, seemingly thousands…with a porn star or two mixed in for good measure…all in bikinis or less (long shorts, no shirt for the guys) and a rather large percentage of them get eaten by a school of piranha in graphic fashion. Basically, if you watch Piranha, you get exactly what you ask for. Don’t get the wrong idea, this is a good thing. A very good thing.

We move along rather swiftly, never going too long without an attack or a bare breast. The latter keeps the young male target audience engaged between episodes of the former. The former is comprised of screaming, flailing around in the water, more naked boobs and some truly spectacular gore. People are eaten down to and sometimes including their skeleton. Spring breakers often emerge from the lake having left parts of themselves behind. This is all rendered in wonderfully gruesome fashion. It’s a visual buffet of human carnage.

The relentless insanity of it all gives this remake and advantage over the thirty-plus year old original. That movie has its fair share of blood in the water. It even went so far as to make a number of its victims small children. However, it was far more concerned with being a parody of Jaws and other killer fish movies. Unfortunately, it isn’t particularly funny or clever. This new version pursues much simpler pleasures. It is only concerned with the exposing and mutilating of the human body. Judged on those terms it is an unmitigated success. The only bit of cleverness attempted is in some stunt casting. To that end, be on the lookout for Richard Dreyfuss, Christopher Lloyd and Eli Roth in bit parts.

Piranha is not a movie that’s going to transcend its genre. It’s dumb. It’s perverse. It’s gross. It’s simply one of “those” movies. There is nothing here for people who aren’t fans of gory horror flicks. For those that are, it’s a gold mine. It is what it is: so bad it’s awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

Piranha (1978)

Directed by Joe Dante.
1978.
Rated R, 92 minutes.
Cast:
Heather Menzies-Urich
Bradford Dillman
Dick Miller
Kevin McCarthy
Keenan Wynn
Barbara Steele
Melody Thomas
Scott Bruce Gordon
Barry Brown

Maggie (Menzies-Urich) has been sent to find a missing couple. She locates the abandoned military test site where we know they stopped to take a dip in a pool filled with some murky water. Along with Paul (Dillman), the local she’s recruited, they drain the pool to see if our lovebirds have drowned. This sounds like a good idea except mad scientist guy who still works there all by himself informs them they’ve just let a school of genetically mutated piranha out into the surrounding rivers and lakes. Oops. Our heroes trying to make their way over to the very busy summer camp ensues. After all, the kids can’t come back next year if they get eaten.

The Steven Spielberg classic Jaws truly terrified the nation as has been extremely well documented. Like any other film that captures the imagination of an entire country it inspired plenty of knockoffs. The problem with knockoffs is they’re never as good as the genuine article. It usually isn’t even close. Sure that watch you bought from that guy behind the restaurant next to the dumpster looks like a Rolex, but the craftsmanship is obviously inferior. Piranha is that watch.

Everything about this movie is beyond cheesy. Its bad dialogue delivered by bad actors. Its one horror cliché after another. Worst of all, its bad special fx coupled with irritating sound fx. I vaguely remember seeing at least parts of this way back in the day, so I was somewhat prepared going into this viewing. However, I was hoping for enjoyably bad. Instead, I got an annoyingly bad flick with both too little and too much of its monsters, simultaneously. I say too little because the scenes between their attacks are brutal to sit through. Their tone is never quite right. At some points, it’s obviously going for humor. More of this might’ve propelled it into the “so bad its awesome” stratosphere but it doesn’t quite do that. The rest of the time its trying to be a serious horror movie. It tries to build dread through the creation of tension, but fails miserably. Some of the blame for that falls back on us getting too much of the piranhas. There are way too many shots of them supposedly devouring people. They hardly look like man-eating fish and don’t seem to move like fish at all. They still could’ve worked if the filmmakers kept the tongue-in-cheek going all the way through, a la Snakes on a Plane. In that movie, horribly rendered cgi snakes were a perfect fit for what we were watching. Here, poor models add to our disdain.

Eventually, we get to a finale. Thankfully, its filled with piranha attacks, screaming and bloody water. It’s a little surprising who gets attacked at this point just because this particular group is usually not explicitly attacked on screen. It’s a little distasteful but still the most exciting part of the movie. Though we morbidly enjoy this portion of the film, its hardly enough to save it. Its just another copy not quite as sharp as the original. It’s yet another Faux-lex watch.

MY SCORE: 4/10

The Fourth Kind

Directed by Olatunde Osunsanmi.
2009. Rated PG-13, 98 minutes.
Cast:
Milla Jovovich
Will Patton
Hakeem Kae-Kazim
Elias Koteas
Raphael Coleman
Mia Mckenna-Bruce
Eric Loren
Corey Johnson
Enzo Cilenti
Daphne Alexander

Dr. Abigail Tyler (Jovovich…and the actual Dr. Tyler) suspects that the abnormal amount of unexplained disappearances in Nome, Alaska are due to alien abductions. This is supposedly based on “actual case studies” and interviews with Dr. Tyler.

It’s a fascinating subject. Though many of the dramatic events can’t quite be called evidence, they are compelling side-effects, allegedly. During these scenes, the energy level is ramped up and much of what we see is disturbing. Will Patton gives us the film’s best performance as Sheriff August. His skepticism grounds the movie, keeping it from completely coming apart at the seams.

Director Olatunde Osunsanmi made a decision that absolutely sinks his movie. He tries to make a documentary and a dramatization about the same story, simultaneously. We’re often shown video footage, reportedly of actual events, alongside scenes of actors re-enacting the exact same occurrences in split-screen. It’s a distracting style in which each half of the screen subtracts from the other. Why do we need Milla Jovovich when we have the real Dr. Tyler? Instead of being taken in, maybe even persuaded by what’s going on, we’re busy picking out differences in the actor’s performance and the real thing. Incidentally, this is why I believe Will Patton’s performance is the movie’s best. His is one of the few not repeatedly juxtaposed with the genuine article. The bottom line is this should’ve been either a documentary or a dramatization, not both.

If you’re a conspiracy theorist who not only believes in alien abductions but also that the government is going out of its way to cover them up, you will find plenty of fodder for your cannon, here. The “actual” footage we see is interesting, though some of it is of questionable validity. It suddenly becomes too grainy or otherwise unwatchable at appropriate moments. However, the style makes it a frustrating watch. We can never get settled into what we’re watching and therefore can’t feel the horror it wants us to. Nor can we reach the conclusion it wants us to. Nothing here will change your mind, one way or another.

MY SCORE: 4/10

Cujo

Directed by Lewis Teague.
1983. Rated R, 93 minutes.
Cast:
Dee Wallace
Daniel Hugh Kelly
Danny Pintauro
Christopher Stone
Ed Lauter
Kaiulani Lee
Billy Jayne

A rabid St. Bernard terrorizes a woman (Wallace) and her son (Pintauro).

What?

That’s all I’ve got.

Oh alright, there is a little more to it than that. Namely, the woman is an adulterer who finds herself alone with the boy on the property where the crazed dog runs things because her hubby has just a little pimp in his blood. He drives a shiny new Jag while she putts around in a beatup Pinto that’s badly in need of repair. By the way, is there any other kind of Pinto? Anyhoo, after finding out about his wife’s indiscretions, hubby takes off in the Jag on a business trip and pretty much tells her to suck an egg when she asks about getting the Pinto fixed…ahem…worked on. I don’t think it’s actually possible to fix one. Though he doesn’t use the term “suck an egg”, he makes it clear she needs to cross her fingers and pray she makes it all the way to Joe Camber’s (Lauter) place for him to fix…er…work on it. Joe’s not only the local repairman, he’s also Cujo’s owner. Early on, we see that Cujo’s caught rabies. Unfortunately, Joe is neither terribly bright nor perceptive so the dog is far too gone by the time Joe picks up on it. Poor Joe.

This whole setup takes up half the movie. Basically, that means we watch a not-so-thrilling soap opera play out before the dog starts killing people. By that time, we’re kind of rooting for the dog because we don’t like the people. In particular, we don’t like the wife. That’s a bit of a problem when Cujo has her and the boy trapped in the rust-bucket. Do we really want her to live? I guess so, for the kid’s sake. Like most dads, self included, you just never really know if he can actually raise a child by himself. I mean, what the hell do you do after playing catch and going for ice cream?

The latter half is mostly Cujo slobbering, barking and doing further damage to the Pinto in an effort to make a Scooby-Snack out of mom and son. To give us breaks in the action, hubby gets all pissed because she’s not answering the phone and has to come all the way home to check up on her. That’s the house phone she’s not answering, for you young’uns. Before every teenager had a cell phone in their pocket, or purse, that’s used for everything up to and maybe including brushing your teeth (isn’t there an app for that?), the only phones 99.9% of the population had was this giant block of plastic either on an end table or screwed to the wall in their house. No silly, you couldn’t watch Cujo on it. It only made and received calls. You know what else? If you left home, no one could reach until you reached some other place that had a phone. Honestly though, a cell phone would’ve solved a lot of problems, here.

Alas, this is 1983 and there are no cell phones. This means we’re stuck with watching mom play hide and seek with this behemoth of a dog who’s coat grows more matted by the second. If you held a gun to my head and asked me which one were smarter I’d have to say the dog. He’s so smart, he doesn’t even ram the back of the Pinto. That would’ve blown up the car and him along with it. I swear. Google “exploding Ford Pinto”. Anyhoo, he seems to be a step or two ahead of her the whole time. He’s like Alonzo in Training Day. He’s playing chess while she’s struggling with checkers. Are we still sure we want her to live? I guess so. Again, for the kid’s sake. If Cujo manages to take her out, this little whiny brat ain’t gonna be much problem.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, the movie isn’t that great. The first part makes us dislike everyone except the dad, who isn’t in any danger. The second half provides the occasional thrill but mostly drones on and on and on. Woof woof woof drool drool growl growl woof woof. Of course, being based on a Stephen King novel has made this an overrated movie. Some see it as a classic of the genre. It’s okay. I suppose it’s the best picture ever made about a killer dog, but that’s not really saying much.