Thursday Movie Picks: Natural Disaster

 

Best Movies of 2012

Yesterday, I gave you my list of 2012's worst movies. Since you're probably thoroughly depressed at the prospect of watching those movies, I'll go ahead and show you the opposite side of the cinematic coin. Again, I'll note that this list doesn't strictly follow the scores I initially gave them. As I said yesterday, the way I feel about some movies evolves over time. With that said, feel free to click on the titles to see those original reviews. My idea on the score may have changed, but the things I like and dislike about each pretty much remain the same, if that makes sense. And of course, feel free to give your thoughts on the matter. In the (not so) immortal words of Drake...what is this world coming to when I'm quoting Drake...we started from the bottom, now we're here...


2012's 12 Best Movies

12. Silver Linings Playbook

This is pretty standard chick-flick stuff, but in David O. Russell’s capable hands it is far better than most of its ilk.

11. Looper

Even though it is science-fiction, Looper is not about showing off whatever futuristic gadgets the filmmakers can dream up or giving us a laser and lights show. It’s a rather human tale that happens to contain time-travel.

10. The Cabin in the Woods

It works on multiple levels. Its layers don’t merely cover, but enhance one another. This works so well that despite all the wicked cutlery and pointed or jagged fangs on display, the movie’s wit is sharpest of them all.

9. Zero Dark Thirty

It grabs hold of us as it explains the hows of the whats we already know. We’re intrigued by the process. When we get to the last scene, we do as Maya does. We exhale.

8. The Perks of Being a Wallflower

The Perks of Being a Wallflower is an enthralling movie. It draws us into this young man’s life and lets us love it or loathe it as he does.

7. The Sessions

Only a few days prior, I watched 50/50 so I was somewhat ready for a heavy drama about sex and illness. What I was totally unprepared for was just how funny this movie is.

Halftime

Okay, I'm taking a short break here because I wanted to recognize some movies that are not on this list, but were pleasant surprises. Frankly, I wasn't expecting anything from them and still got an enjoyable viewing experience.

21 Jump Street
Chronicle
Dredd
Goon
Killer Joe
Magic Mike
Safety Not Guaranteed
Ted

Now, on with the show...

6. The Raid: Redemption

For you action junkies, this is the stuff of your wet dreams. On the other hand, if you’re looking for things like depth, character development, witty dialogue, etc., they are not found nor welcomed here. And it’s still a great movie, just not for the squeamish.

5. The Master

When The Master ends we may be hit by a wave of confusion as we wonder what we just watched. In this case, that’s a good thing. We have much to talk about.

4. Skyfall

Skyfall is a return to greatness. It continuously questions its own place in today’s world. It questions the way its hero and, by extension, the movie itself goes about its business.

3. Life of Pi

We’re often drawn to the edge of our seat. Then, at the end, our brain gets challenged a bit. Is what we've seen the truth or just a colorful metaphor? Does it really matter which? What proof does it offer of God’s existence? We can have fun with all of those questions after we've had fun watching Pi navigate difficult waters.

2. Beasts of the Southern Wild

By the end, we’ve been through more than enough ups and downs with this family to become fully vested in them. When life throws yet another thing at them, we duck. We root for them and share in their triumphs and heartbreaks.

1. Django Unchained

Django is more interested in getting the attitudes of the times right than the facts and even indulging the most violent fantasies of history’s victims. Sure, this requires some revisionist (or purely imagined) history but a Quentin Tarantino movie is not a fact-finding mission.

Worst Movies of 2012

I have a rule that I very rarely break. Once I start a movie, I'm going to finish it. No matter how bad it gets, or how late it is, even if I should fall asleep on it. Many times, I just couldn't keep my eyes open to watch a movie all the way through only to turn around and watch it in its entirety a day or two later. Even the bad ones.

Why subject myself to finishing a movie I already think is bad? It's simple, really. One of my core beliefs is what I call the law of opposites. We only understand something because we also understand it's opposite. We know what up is because we also know what down is. In movie terms, I can appreciate good movies more, because I know, or think I know, what bad movies are and vice-versa. I keep watching because there are always new levels of badness just as there are goodness. The cycle never ends.

Of course, we movie buffs like to cut those cycles into 365 day sections and grade each accordingly. I'll stick to that program. I'm just 200 and some odd days late getting the report cards out. When viewing this report card, note that the list does not strictly follow the way I scored these movies in my original reviews of them, which you can see by clicking on the titles (except for a couple of horror movies which I've yet to post reviews for). The way I feel about some movies evolves over time, some for the better, some for the worst. At the end, feel free to let me know if I've missed some horrible flick, or tell me how good some movie is that I've deemed terrible, or just share your own list. In my very humble opinion, these are...

The 12 Worst Movies of 2012

12. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Spirit of Vengeance delivers precisely what its predecessor did: a fancy looking mess.

11. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2

I’ll give some credit to the powers that be for wringing every last cent they possibly could out of this franchise…I mean not taking the easy way out and going an extra step. Disastrous it may be, but it’s a step.

10. Mirror Mirror

Even the kids in the target audience are likely to have a “been there, done that” reaction to it all.

9. Underworld: Awakening

Underworld: Awakening simply tries to hide its lazy writing with a succession of not-always-so-nicely-rendered battle scenes. That, my friends, should be punishable by two shots to the chest and one to the head with ultra-violet or silver nitrate rounds, depending on which side of the monster ledger you think we’re dealing with.

8. Battleship

I’m not sure anyone who has played the game could come up with enough of a storyline to justify a movie being made for it. Sadly, neither could the people actually involved in making it.

7. This Means War

To their credit, the performers try valiantly to breathe life into this thing. As we all know, reanimating a corpse is impossible.

6. Tyler Perry's Madea's Witness Protection

Tyler Perry is back in drag, yet again.

5. What to Expect When You're Expecting

What to Expect is a classic case of a talented ensemble given nothing to work with and going through the motions.

4. Bachelorette

Believe it, or not, so much suckiness is thankfully crammed into an hour and a half. However, since I started checking my watch about fifteen minutes in, it feels much much longer. I didn't think the hands of time could move so slowly.

3. Piranha 3DD

Its predecessor was trash of an endlessly and enjoyably repugnant variety. It was like gorging yourself on a gigantic bag of your favorite mini candy bars. The sequel is more like eating directly out of a dumpster.

2. The Innkeepers

Our director, Ti West, also helmed the equally bad and equally overrated House of the Devil. If you see this man anywhere near a movie set, please have the nearest person call 911 then physically restrain him until the cops arrive.

1. Fun Size

Nothing unexpected happens and almost none of it is funny when it does.

Before I let you go, I have a little more business to get to about '12's rotten flicks.

First up is a special shout out to this man...

Liam Neeson
Aside from Battleship, which clocked in as my eighth worst movie of last year, Mr. Neeson also had prominent roles in three other horrible productions in 2012: The Grey, Taken 2 and Wrath of the Titans. Since he probably made lots of money doing it, I'm not mad at him.


Next, I have to spotlight a couple of movies I thought were bad, but I'm completely in love with. In other words, these two movies were...


2012's Movies So Bad They're Awesome!

The Expendables 2

Without question, this is a “turn your brain off” experience starring a group of guys who made a pretty good living making stuff go boom.

&

The Man With the Iron Fists

A sharply written plot and Oscar-worthy performances are not found here. To be honest, don’t even expect it all to make sense within its own context. However, the blood splattering action makes it a package just too cheesy to resist.

Now I'm done.

2012

Directed by Roland Emmerich.
2009. Rated PG-13, 158 minutes.
Cast:
John Cusack
Amanda Peet
Chiwetel Ejiofor
Thandie Newton
Oliver Platt
Danny Glover
Woody Harrelson
Liam James
Morgan Lily
Zlatko Buric

Plot: A geologist discovers an increase in solar activity that will lead to the end of the world as we know it, socio-political Darwinism ensues. Oh, and dying – lots of dying.

The Good: Forget about Avatar, this might be the most beautiful movie of 2009. The end of the world is a truly spectacular sight. There are skyscrapers crashing into one another as they fall, multi-tier freeways collapsing, entire cities and their suburbs coming apart at the seams as the earth separates beneath them. Likewise for areas surrounding suddenly activated, fireball hurling volcanoes. And if you’re anywhere near any coast, or out to sea, you have to contend with super tsunamis. For the most part, it looks eerily realistic. Since another depiction of hell breaking loose is never more than a few minutes away, it’s lengthy runtime doesn’t feel so bad.

The Bad: This might also be the most disgusting, pointless and stupidest movie of the 2009. It’s disgusting in the sense that it is purely pornographic in regards to death. We literally watch people die by the thousands for two plus hours and are certain that the death toll is in the billions. The problem is we become so desensitized it’s hard to muster up any empathy for our main characters no matter what their situation. Of course, this is why there are kids in the movie. Filmmakers believe we automatically feel for the kids in tough situations. To a degree, they’re correct. However, here it’s not enough. Here, we feel like that one guy in other disaster movies that can only say to everyone “We’re all gonna die!” Besides that, none of the characters in this movie are worthy of our affection, anyway. It’s pointless because of three things. First, everything just kinda stops all of a sudden. Sorry, I don’t think that’s really a spoiler. Second, when the credits roll, we’re left with an overwhelming feeling of “Now what?” There’s no hopeful answer to that question even though the movie wants us to somehow remain optimistic. Third, much lip service, including the movie’s own advertising, is paid to the ancient Mayan prophecy of the world ending on December 21, 2012. However, the movie chucks that out the window and renders the Mayan notion coincidental, at best. Finally, it’s stupid for a variety of reasons. Most of them we’ve already seen play out in other disaster movies so I won’t go into it, here.

The Ugly: : How many government and military officials had to be left behind for Oliver Platt’s character to become acting President? He’s a head scientist of some department or another.

Recommendation: Armageddon, The Day After Tomorrow, Deep Impact, Independence Day, etc. If you liked these movies, this is for you. If you’re into big special fx, this is for you, too. As for the rest of you, move along nothing to see here.

The Opposite View: Dan Kois, Washington Post

What the Internet Says: 6.0/10 on imdb.com (7/27/10), 39% on rottentomatoes.com, 49/100 on metacritic.com

MY SCORE: 3.5/10