Thursday Movie Picks: It's a Party

Pointless Lists: Top 10 Movie Police Chiefs

It's Friday. And I wanna make a list. I'm also feeling a bit goofy, yet somehow still respectful of authority. That brings me to today's topic: movie police chiefs. They're never the hero. Instead, they are thanklessly tasked with trying to keep the hero in check. Someone has to make sure the rules are followed. This usually involves lots of yelling, swearing, talk of ulcers, confiscating of guns and badges, and eating of crow when the loose cannon cop saves the day. Every once in a while, the chief will even turn out to be the villain. Oddly, this usually entails much less yelling, swearing, etc. In either case, these are my...

Top 10 Movie Police Chiefs

#10

Captain Ben Harp

(John C. McGinley, Point Break)

Hero he has to check: Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves)

This guy's job is doubly tough. The young, hotshot punk he has to deal with is used to being a big deal on the football field and now spends most of his working day catching waves and ignoring orders. To make matters worse, you can't even get a single, believable emotion out of the guy. I mean, it is Keanu Reeves. For that reason alone, I think ol' Ben Harp says things like this just to try to get a rise out of the guy...
You're a real blue flame special, aren't you, son? Young, dumb and full of come, I know. What I don't know is how you got assigned here. Guess we must just have ourselves an asshole shortage, huh?

#9

Captain Haden

(Frank McRae, 48 Hrs.)

Heroes he has to check: Jack Cates (Nick Nolte) and Reggie Hammond (Eddie Murphy)

Not only does he have to deal with Cates, a cop who doesn't give a crap about authority, he also has to trust that Cates can handle Reggie Hammond, a convict let out for two days to try and help crack the big case. It's no wonder he spouts off stuff like...
You goddamn Whiskey McCop! You lost a stolen bus! I got 5 deaths related to Ganz, and you blow it for a lousy n***** convict! That's right! I called him a n*****! You bet I did! Now I saw the report on that little piece of shit. If he spends one legal day in his life, it'll be a record! And this is it for you! Suspension, review board! You've had it!

#8

Superintendant Pang

(Philip Chan, Hard Boiled)

Hero he has to check: Inspector "Tequila" Yuen (Yun-Fat Chow)

Pang has to deal with a cop that has more ammo than should be humanly possible and is willing to use every last bullet to get the job done. Direct orders go completely disobeyed. It's to the point that Pang might as well have "Figure Head" on his name plate. He almost has no choice but to say...
Give a guy a gun, he thinks he's Superman. Give him two and he thinks he's God.

#7

Police Captain

(R. Lee Ermey, Se7en)

Heroes he has to check: Det. David Mills (Brad Pitt) and Det. William Somerset (Morgan Freeman)

See what I did there? Anyhoo, the unnamed captain is played by a surprisingly calm R. Lee Ermey. He takes a different approach than the rest of the guys on this list. He understands that the soon to be retiring Det. Somerset is the departments only chance to crack the puzzling case at hand. He likes Mills' spunk, but knows this is beyond the kid's level of comprehension. Therefore, he spends lots of time stroking Somerset's ego, whispering sweet nothings to him like...
You do this work you were made for and I don't think you can deny that. Maybe I'm wrong.

#6

Captain Dickson

(Ice Cube, Jump Street franchise)

Heroes he has to check: Schmidt (Jonah Hill) and Jenko (Tyler Channing)

Does any chief have to deal with more incompetence than Dickson? Well, yeah, but we'll get to that guy soon enough. Dickson runs a close second in the category, though. Where Dickson is the run away winner is in knowing exactly who he is. He's in on the joke that is his very existence. He lets us all know this when he says...
I know what you're thinkin': angry, black captain. Well guess what? I'm black, and I worked my ASS off to be the captain. And sometimes, I get a little angry, so suck a dick!

#5

Captain Howard

(Joe Pantoliano, Bad Boys franchise)

Heroes he has to check: Det. Mike Lowrey (Will Smith) and Det. Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence)

If there's one guy on this list to feel sorry for, this is him. Like a number of the others, he has two reckless cops who kill far more perps than they arrest. He also has another duo that yearns to be just like the first. Now add in the fact that his job seems to be constantly on the line and it's easy to see why his work seems to be having an adverse effect on his physical well-being. My heart breaks a little when he says...
I can't believe you guys. Do you get up in the morning, call each other up - "Good morning, Marcus." "Good morning, Mike." "How you doin'?" "Ai'ight." "So, how are we going to fuck up the captain's life today?" "Gee, I don't know, I don't know... Ooh, look! Over there. Let's kill three fat people and leave them on the street?"

#4

Lieutenant Thaddeus Harris

(G. W. Bailey, Police Academy franchise)

Heroes he has to check: Mahoney (Steve Guttenberg), Thompson (Kim Cattrall), Hightower (Bubba Smith), Tackleberry (David Graf), etc.

Here's the guy that has to deal with the most incompetence. He also harbors the most hatred for his subordinates, by far. Now add in the fact that he probably holds the record for appearing in the most bad sequels and you have a guy fit to be tied. You just know he means it, when he screams...
We've got you because you are the worst people here. You are "D" Squad; "D" for "dirtbags." When I say: "Hey, dirtbags!" that means you. You people are going to hate my guts for the rest of your lives. I am going to make you sorry that you ever came here.

#3

Captain Murphy

(Steve Kahan, Lethal Weapon franchise)

Heroes he has to check: Det. Murtaugh (Danny Glover) and Det. Riggs (Mel Gibson)

If Cpt. Howard of the Bad Boys flicks is on the verge of keeling over from the stress of his job, then Cpt. Murphy is his polar opposite. When it comes to not caring what his loose cannon cops do, he is the undisputed champion. Sure, he has a job to do and he genuinely wants to do it. He's just not going to let it kill him. That's why you have to give him thumbs up when he sighs...
I don't give a fuck, Riggs. That's why I don't have an ulcer, because I know when to say "I don't give a fuck."

#2

Chief Gillespie

(Rod Steiger, In the Heat of the Night)

Hero he has to check: Virgil Tibbs (Sidney Poitier)

Chief Gillespie runs his town with an iron fist. This of course, includes his police force. And he's a product of his time, so being a bigot is pretty much in his blood. At first. Combine that with the thick southern accent and every time he speaks, country bumpkin comes out. However, this belies the fact that he's a brilliant psychologist. Not only does he know people well, he's not afraid to tell them about themselves either. We realize this when he rips off this beauty...
You're gonna stay here if I have to go inside and call your chief of police and have him remind you of what he told you to do. But I don't think I have to do that, you see? No, because you're so damn smart. You're smarter than any white man. You're just gonna stay here and show us all. You've got such a big head that you could never live with yourself unless you could put us all to shame. You wanna know something, Virgil? I don't think that you could let an opportunity like that pass by.

#1

Inspector Todd

(Gilbert R. Hill, Beverly Hills Cop franchise)

Hero he has to check: Axel Foley (Eddie Murphy)

When I decided to do this list, there was no doubt Inspector Todd was going to grace the top spot. The man is just a ball of rage. The mere sight of Axel Foley makes his already ridiculously high blood pressure skyrocket. He is who Captain Dickson of the Jump Street series pays homage to. He is also the man I'd be most afraid to work for. You see, I don't have Axel's knack for comedic improvisation or for taking such authority figures so lightly. Therefore, I would probably stay out of it when he says...
I didn't just walk into this town from the cotton fields! Whoever killed your friend wasn't worried about your little narrow ass. If they were, you'd be lyin' beside him in that meat wagon. Just don't do a damn thing. Stay out of this!


So there's my two cents. Of course, I haven't seen every movie with a police chief in it, so feel free to let me know if I've missed some of your favorites.

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Against the Crowd Blogathon: The Kubrick Klassick Worse Than a Michael Bay Flick

Last week, I decided to start a blogathon in which we bloggers get to rant against the popular opinion. The rules are simple:

1. Pick one movie that "everyone" loves (the more iconic, the better). That movie must have a score of at least 80% on rottentomatoes.com. Tell us why you hate it.

2. Pick one movie that "everyone" hates (the more notorious, the better). That movie must have a score of less than 30% on rottentomatoes.com. Tell us why you love it.

3. Include the tomato meter scores of both movies.

Easy-peasy, right?

Like some have expressed, it was easy picking out a movie I hated that most people loved. I can instantly name dozens of them. My first thought was to go with the movie that inspired the idea for this blogathon, Dallas Buyers Club. It didn't quite work for me. I figured that would be lazy since I just reviewed it a couple weeks ago. Besides,  I don't actually hate it. My next thought was The Tree of Life, which I did flat out hate, but I've also reviewed that. I decided to go with the movie The Tree of Life most reminds me of...

2001: A Space Odyssey

95%

I know. It's a classic. I know. It's one of the most influential movies of all time. I know. It's a groundbreaking cinematic achievement. I know. I know all that and there is lots more you want to tell me about this movie. Yawn.

I hate this movie.

More accurately, I don't think I've ingested enough mind-altering substances to fully appreciate it. To me, it was an excruciatingly boring experience. Five minute long shots of objects floating around are snore inducing and scream pretentious to me. Sure its got great visuals but do we have to dawdle on each one, forever? Put bluntly, there is no good reason this movie is nearly two and a half hours long.

None.

I understand fully what Stanley Kubrick was trying to do with this movie. Unfortunately, it just became a self-indulgent exercise in film technique. I cannot deny that the man gave us a number of iconic shots and even a much ballyhooed finale, it just should have gotten to the point a hell of a lot quicker. I mean like 90 minutes quicker. That's approximately how much time he spends in a circle jerk with the cinematographer and the composer. Again, these are beautiful pictures. I don't stare at pictures for longer than a few seconds no matter how great they are. It only takes a couple moments to figure out that it looks like the Mona Lisa's eyes are following you. No need to keep ogling the damn thing. If these shots are limited to a reasonable amount of time, you get the same story playing out in much less time and it is unquestionably the greatest short film ever produced. As it is, it's us watching a few guys practice making a movie.

Yup, I mentioned the composer. The score is a breathtaking piece of music. When paired with objects floating hypnotically about for what seems like hours it adds to the unbearable pretentiousness of it all. The sounds emanating from the speakers seem to be screaming "Look at this, it's some important shit!" It also becomes part of the giant sleeping pill that is this movie. I'm not even joking about this. It took me several attempts to get through this as it just dragged my eyelids toward the ground. I made my last attempt only after a very long and fulfilling nap. Even this was a struggle. Try this at home: put on any piece of classical music (no offense to classical music fans), grab any picture in your house, and stare intently at it for the duration of the piece you're listening to. Zzzzzz....

zzzzzz...cmmmp cmmmp... ...Ahem...where was I?

Oh yeah, watching 2001 was a thankless chore I'll make every effort to not repeat.

On the other hand, this is a movie I have and will watch repeatedly...

Bad Boys II

 23%

Yup, it's a Michael Bay movie. It's not just any old Michael Bay movie, either. It's pretty much everything us critics hate him for all rolled up into one noisy package. Everything and then some goes boom, the humor is crass, Gabrielle Union's supposedly seasoned vet FBI agent is reduced to a beautiful, but helpless damsel in distress, and yes there are a good deal of unnecessary slow motion shots.

You know what?

It works.

I enjoy the ridiculous shoot out with the Jamaican drug dealers. I have fun watching a truck full of cars being dumped all over the freeway as our heroes chase them down. I laugh hysterically when Martin Lawrence accidentally takes some Ecstasy. For two hours and change I forget Michael Bay subjected me to Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, and far too many Transformers movies.

The biggest reason for how enjoyable I find this movie is the chemistry between our heroes: Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. It was very good and helped carry the first Bad Boys. Here, it's taken to a few notches higher. Their back and forths are plain hilarious. Their ad libbing elevates Bay's juvenile humor to rib tickling art.

Now, I have to speak about my favorite scene.

Martin Lawrence's daughter is about to go out on her first date. When the lucky young man knocks on the door, he is greeted by an angry Lawrence and a liquor swilling, gun waving Smith. They scare the poor boy to death. Damn your meditative journey through mankind, your iconic score, and the sci-fi masterpiece they created. This shit is cinematic gold. My brother and I both have daughters that just became teenagers. We've vowed to re enact this scene at each others' houses.

Call us stupid.

Fear for our daughters' love lives.

Just don't tell me 2001 is better than Bad Boys II.