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Showing posts with label Fictional Football Team. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fictional Football Team. Show all posts
Monday, September 7, 2015
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Pointless Lists: Fictional Movie Football Team, Part II
Yesterday, I gave you the special teams and defense for my fictional football team. Now, on Super Bowl Sunday, I'm going to give you the guys people come to see, the ones that put points on the board.
I did give myself some rules to go by. As a reminder, here they are...
1. I really do mean "fictional." None of these players are directly based on a real person. That means no Rudy, no one from Remember the Titans, Friday Night Lights, The Express, or any other "based on a true story" football flick.
2. This one goes hand-in-hand with the first rule and makes things even trickier. Characters played by people with NFL experience are not eligible. My apologies to Luther Lavay from Any Given Sunday (Lawrence Taylor), Deacon Moss from the remake of The Longest Yard (Michael Irvin), Bogdanski from the original The Longest Yard (Ray Nitschke) and all the other pros who took their talents to the silver screen.
3. The player doesn't have to be from a football movie, but there should be at least one actual football scene in their movie during which I can reasonably assume he/she is on the field. You're outta here, Johnny Utah from Point Break.
4. Players are to be judged as they are during the movie. Past success be damned, Jack "Cap" Rooney from Any Given Sunday is an old man!
5. The player should at least have a speaking part. Okay, this is more of a guideline than a hard rule.
Back-ups - Jamal Jackson (Faizon Love), The Replacements...Jumbo (Ace Yonamine), The Replacements...Rudy "The Gas Man" Zoltek (Michael Zweiner), Little Giants...Turley (The Great Khali), The Longest Yard (2005)
Bud "Lite" Kaminsky will be an absolute anchor at left tackle. "Madman" Kelly, on the opposite side, is nearly as good. He also bears a striking resemblance to defensive end Steve Lattimer. Manumana is a massive center who can take on multiple blockers even while handling snap duties. We're taking some chances with our guards, though. Billy Bob isn't in the best shape and is prone to concussions, but he's hard to move. He also might be able to sneak out and catch a pass or two. "Action" Jackson works best when his brother Jamal is on the field, who isn't starting. However, due to Billy Bob's issues we can foresee him getting a lot of time. Jumbo will also see some time, if for no other reason than he's, well, jumbo. Turley has an extremely low football IQ, or regular IQ, for that matter. Still, he's a mountain of a man who can play some d-line, also. "The Gas Man" will fill-in if we really get in a pinch. He is undersized, but has a rather potent secret weapon.
Tidwell is a money receiver. Literally. His recent willingness to go over the middle has elevated him to elite status. All I have to say about Sanderson is that he was the go-to-guy on a team that included Terrell Owens, and T.O. didn't even complain about it. Tweeter will work the slots. We just need to make sure we keep him out of the bars the night before games. Franklin is a little iffy in the hands department, but can stretch the field. We're not sure how much we can get out of Elliot. He goes through more than seems humanly possibly just to make it onto the field, but age is catching up with him. He still has great hands, though, so he'll be out there in key third-down situations. Plus, we might line him up at tight end from time to time, a position he's more suited to these days. We will have to. Brian Murphy is the team's only true tight end. We think we've got a good one despite the fact that he's deaf.
Back-ups - Earl Megget (Nelly), The Longest Yard (2005)...Darnell Jefferson (Omar Epps), The Program...Wendell Brown (Eliel Swinton), Varsity Blues
We are absolutely loaded at this spot! Washington will be our workhorse. This includes getting the rock in most short yardage situations. No worries, there will be plenty of carries for Megget and Jefferson who both have game changing speed. Megget is inexperienced so we might not have him in on too many obvious passing downs and we'll have to keep an eye on Jefferson who has some fumbling issues in the past. Brown will be there to spell Washington and get the bulk of the carries should Washington go down. At the fullback spot, Griffen is actually a former tailback. After a tenuous adjustment period, he's taken quite nicely to delivering some crushing blocks. Every now and again we'll reward him with a carry or two.
To back him up, we worked out everyone available. Of course, they all had some issues. Levander "Bird" Williams (Mykelti Williams, Wildcats) had some character issues. Johnny Moxon (James Van Der Beek, Varsity Blues) is not really all that into football. Lance Harbor (Paul Walker, Varsity Blues went into coaching. Joe Kingman (Dwayne Johnson, The Game Plan) doesn't have his heart in it anymore. Frank Cushman (Jerry O'Connell, Jerry Maguire) wants too much money. Seth Maxwell (Mac Davis) was too much of a wild-card. We even worked out two guys named Paul Crewe (Burt Reynolds and Adam Sandler, both versions of The Longest Yard). The older one was extremely close to locking down that third string spot. The younger one was just as good, but looks too much like linebacker Bobby Boucher for our tastes. In the end we went with...
Shane "Footsteps" Falco (Keanu Reeves), The Replacements and Joe Pendleton (Warren Beatty), Heaven Can Wait
Falco has shown some unbelievable leadership skills and has just gotten over his big-game jitters. Pendleton is also quite the leader. Like I said, he and the two Crewes were close. In the end, Joe gets the nod because he has divine intervention on his side. After all, not only did the guy win a Super Bowl, he came back from the dead to do it!
I did give myself some rules to go by. As a reminder, here they are...
1. I really do mean "fictional." None of these players are directly based on a real person. That means no Rudy, no one from Remember the Titans, Friday Night Lights, The Express, or any other "based on a true story" football flick.
2. This one goes hand-in-hand with the first rule and makes things even trickier. Characters played by people with NFL experience are not eligible. My apologies to Luther Lavay from Any Given Sunday (Lawrence Taylor), Deacon Moss from the remake of The Longest Yard (Michael Irvin), Bogdanski from the original The Longest Yard (Ray Nitschke) and all the other pros who took their talents to the silver screen.
3. The player doesn't have to be from a football movie, but there should be at least one actual football scene in their movie during which I can reasonably assume he/she is on the field. You're outta here, Johnny Utah from Point Break.
4. Players are to be judged as they are during the movie. Past success be damned, Jack "Cap" Rooney from Any Given Sunday is an old man!
5. The player should at least have a speaking part. Okay, this is more of a guideline than a hard rule.
Offense
Offensive Line
Starters:
Tackles - Bud "Lite" Kaminsky (Abraham Benrubi), The Program and Patrick "Madman" Kelly (Andrew Bryniarsky), Any Given Sunday
Guards - Billy Bob (Ron Lester), Varsity Blues and Andre "Action" Jackson (Michael Taliferro), The Replacements
Center - Manumana the Slender (Peter Tuiasosopo), Necessary Roughness
Back-ups - Jamal Jackson (Faizon Love), The Replacements...Jumbo (Ace Yonamine), The Replacements...Rudy "The Gas Man" Zoltek (Michael Zweiner), Little Giants...Turley (The Great Khali), The Longest Yard (2005)
Bud "Lite" Kaminsky will be an absolute anchor at left tackle. "Madman" Kelly, on the opposite side, is nearly as good. He also bears a striking resemblance to defensive end Steve Lattimer. Manumana is a massive center who can take on multiple blockers even while handling snap duties. We're taking some chances with our guards, though. Billy Bob isn't in the best shape and is prone to concussions, but he's hard to move. He also might be able to sneak out and catch a pass or two. "Action" Jackson works best when his brother Jamal is on the field, who isn't starting. However, due to Billy Bob's issues we can foresee him getting a lot of time. Jumbo will also see some time, if for no other reason than he's, well, jumbo. Turley has an extremely low football IQ, or regular IQ, for that matter. Still, he's a mountain of a man who can play some d-line, also. "The Gas Man" will fill-in if we really get in a pinch. He is undersized, but has a rather potent secret weapon.
Receivers
Starters:
Wide Receivers - Rod Tidwell (Cuba Gooding Jr.), Jerry Maguire and Jimmy Sanderson (Bill Bellamy), Any Given Sunday
Back-ups - Charlie Tweeter (Scott Caan), Varsity Blues...Clifford Franklin (Orlando Jones), The Replacements...Phil Elliot (Nick Nolte), North Dallas Forty
Tight End - Brian Murphy (David Denman), The Replacements
Tidwell is a money receiver. Literally. His recent willingness to go over the middle has elevated him to elite status. All I have to say about Sanderson is that he was the go-to-guy on a team that included Terrell Owens, and T.O. didn't even complain about it. Tweeter will work the slots. We just need to make sure we keep him out of the bars the night before games. Franklin is a little iffy in the hands department, but can stretch the field. We're not sure how much we can get out of Elliot. He goes through more than seems humanly possibly just to make it onto the field, but age is catching up with him. He still has great hands, though, so he'll be out there in key third-down situations. Plus, we might line him up at tight end from time to time, a position he's more suited to these days. We will have to. Brian Murphy is the team's only true tight end. We think we've got a good one despite the fact that he's deaf.
Running Backs
Starters:
Tailback - Julian "J-Man" Washington (LL Cool J), Any Given Sunday
Fullback - Ray Griffen (Leon Pridgen), The Program
Back-ups - Earl Megget (Nelly), The Longest Yard (2005)...Darnell Jefferson (Omar Epps), The Program...Wendell Brown (Eliel Swinton), Varsity Blues
We are absolutely loaded at this spot! Washington will be our workhorse. This includes getting the rock in most short yardage situations. No worries, there will be plenty of carries for Megget and Jefferson who both have game changing speed. Megget is inexperienced so we might not have him in on too many obvious passing downs and we'll have to keep an eye on Jefferson who has some fumbling issues in the past. Brown will be there to spell Washington and get the bulk of the carries should Washington go down. At the fullback spot, Griffen is actually a former tailback. After a tenuous adjustment period, he's taken quite nicely to delivering some crushing blocks. Every now and again we'll reward him with a carry or two.
Quarterbacks
Normally, I favor drop-back quarterbacks. I have to begrudgingly admit times are changing. I need someone who can make plays with his arm AND his legs. Maybe we can even put in some read-option and other new-fangled stuff. For this, there is no better option than...
"Steamin'" Willie Beamen (Jamie Foxx), Any Given Sunday
To back him up, we worked out everyone available. Of course, they all had some issues. Levander "Bird" Williams (Mykelti Williams, Wildcats) had some character issues. Johnny Moxon (James Van Der Beek, Varsity Blues) is not really all that into football. Lance Harbor (Paul Walker, Varsity Blues went into coaching. Joe Kingman (Dwayne Johnson, The Game Plan) doesn't have his heart in it anymore. Frank Cushman (Jerry O'Connell, Jerry Maguire) wants too much money. Seth Maxwell (Mac Davis) was too much of a wild-card. We even worked out two guys named Paul Crewe (Burt Reynolds and Adam Sandler, both versions of The Longest Yard). The older one was extremely close to locking down that third string spot. The younger one was just as good, but looks too much like linebacker Bobby Boucher for our tastes. In the end we went with...
Shane "Footsteps" Falco (Keanu Reeves), The Replacements and Joe Pendleton (Warren Beatty), Heaven Can Wait
Falco has shown some unbelievable leadership skills and has just gotten over his big-game jitters. Pendleton is also quite the leader. Like I said, he and the two Crewes were close. In the end, Joe gets the nod because he has divine intervention on his side. After all, not only did the guy win a Super Bowl, he came back from the dead to do it!
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Pointless Lists: Fictional Movie Football Team, Part I
It's Super Bowl Weekend! Weather permitting, of course, tomorrow is the final chance I will have to watch gladiators collide on the gridiron until fall rolls around again. Well, since I started the season with a list, I will end the season with one.This time, I've scrolled through my massive mental database, and did some good ol' internet research to remind me of a few things, and formulated my all-time team comprised strictly of fictional football players from movies. And since I'm a football nut, and injuries happen, I'm not only going to give you starters, but back-ups wherever possible.
To make it a challenge, I've imposed a few rules upon myself:
1. I really do mean "fictional." None of these players are directly based on a real person. That means no Rudy, no one from Remember the Titans, Friday Night Lights, The Express, or any other "based on a true story" football flick.
2. This one goes hand-in-hand with the first rule and makes things even trickier. Characters played by people with NFL experience are not eligible. My apologies to Luther Lavay from Any Given Sunday (Lawrence Taylor), Deacon Moss from the remake of The Longest Yard (Michael Irvin), Bogdanski from the original The Longest Yard (Ray Nitschke) and all the other pros who took their talents to the silver screen.
3. The player doesn't have to be from a football movie, but there should be at least one actual football scene in their movie during which I can reasonably assume he/she is on the field. You're outta here, Johnny Utah from Point Break.
4. Players are to be judged as they are during the movie. Past success be damned, Jack "Cap" Rooney from Any Given Sunday is an old man!
5. The player should at least have a speaking part. Okay, this is more of a guideline than a hard rule.
We'll save the glamour boys on offense for last. Let's start with the least heralded players on any football roster.
Special Teams
Place-Kicker - Lucy Draper (Kathy Ireland), Necessary Roughness
Punter - Derek Wallace (Larry Gilliard Jr.), The Waterboy
Kick/Punt Returner - Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks), Forrest Gump
One small issue, our team doesn't have a true punter. Wallace is really a place-kicker, but since punters are much more likely to be called on to actually hit someone, I'll slide him over instead of Lucy Draper and let him handle kickoff duties, as well. All Draper will have to do is keep putting the ball through the uprights, or Wallace will take over that job, too. These two beat out Nigel "The Leg" Gruff of The Replacements. Nice guy, but too willing to throw a game due to his gambling problems. Gump will handle the return game. He's not always locked in, but just hand him the ball and say "Run Forest, run!"
Let's move on...
Defense
Defensive Line
Starters:
Ends - Steve Lattimer (Andrew Bryniarski), The Program and Sgt. Engleheart (Kevin Nash), The Longest Yard (2005)
Tackles - Phillip Finch (Tab Thacker), Wildcats and Samson (Richard Kiel), The Longest Yard (1974)
Back-up - Andre Krimm (Sinbad), Necessary Roughness
Going with a 4-3 defense, here. Once you apply the criteria I'm using, the pool of linebackers thins out tremendously. That said, I'm excited about what we have up front. Sgt. Engleheart can be a little soft, but Lattimer more than makes up for him with his 'roided out insanity and passion for having a place at the table. Finch is a gentleman and a scholar, but at something like 400 lbs., he clogs the middle like nobody's business. Beside him, Samson is the d-line's secret weapon, but we have to be careful with him due to the fact he can go overboard. He might literally break your f'ing neck. Krimm will keep things light in the locker-room and get spot duty.
Linebackers
Starters:
Charles Jefferson (Forest Whitaker), Fast Times at Ridgemont High...Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler), The Waterboy...Daniel Bateman (Jon Favreau), The Replacements
Back-ups - Becky "Icebox" O'Shea (Shawna Waldron), Little Giants and Alvin Mack (Duane Davis), The Program
We have some issues with this unit, mainly a lack of depth and some odd mental quirks. Charles Jefferson is a certified stud and will man the middle. If he suspects the opposite team messed with his car then he is guaranteed to destroy them. Bates is just as vicious, even more so if we're playing someone wearing red. Bobby Boucher is the wildcard. As long as he can conjure up visions of all the things that have angered him, including his own mother, he's unblockable. He also has a thing about the water the team drinks. "Icebox" O'Shea is decidedly undersized, but she's also absolutely ferocious and will get plenty of snaps. As a bonus, she can fill in at fullback on offense, too, and maybe even play a little QB if we really get in a bind. We're saving a spot for Alvin Mack who suffered a knee injury that was thought to be career-ending. We're hoping the advances in medical technology since 1993 will get him back on the field.
Defensive Backfield
Starters:
Cornerbacks - Earl Wilkinson aka "Ray Smith" (Michael Jace), The Replacements and Trumaine (Wesley Snipes), Wildcats
Safeties - Guard Papajohn (Michael Papajohn), The Longest Yard (2005) and Stefan Djordjevic (Tom Cruise), All the Right Moves
Back-up - Spike Hammersmith (Sam Horrigan), Little Giants
We have four solid DBs. Earl...ahem...Ray and Trumaine are a pair of ball hawks at the corners. Ray can help return kicks, too. We might be a bit shy on technique at the safety spot since both Papajohn and Djordjevic are actually corners, as well. Still, they are good players so they should pick things up nicely. Depth is a bit of a problem. We're going with the humongous-for-his-age, but still small Spike Hammersmith. He's best known as a tailback, but he's logged plenty of time in the secondary, has a serious mean streak, and is already built like a safety which is where he'll get the most time. Sure, his habit of referring to himself in the third person gets annoying rather quickly, but there's no denying raw talent.
That's all for today. Tomorrow, I'll finish things off with the offense.
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