Ranking the Batman Movies: #12

12. Batman: Year One

(2011)

Directed by Sam Liu and Lauren Montgomery

Batman…Ben McKenzie

James Gordon…Bryan Cranston

Alfred…Jeff Bennett

Carmine Falcone…Alex Rocco

Catwoman…Eliza Dushku

Harvey Dent…Robin Atkins Downes

As the title suggests, we’re dealing with the first year Bruce Wayne decided to dress up like a bat and chase bad guys. Honestly, this was one of the two hardest movies to rank (I’ll let you know the other one at a later date). It’s based on the iconic graphic novel of the same name. More than just being based on it, the movie is an incredibly faithful adaptation. There are only minor changes here and there. The first problem is that things that work on the page, don’t always work on screen even if it is a direct transfer. The main victim is the incessant narration done by both Bruce and then Lt. Gordon. Another issue is there are 24 years between when the source material and this movie were released. By itself, that’s no big deal. Works of literature that’s decades, even centuries old are constantly reinvented in some new medium whether loosely or faithfully done. When talking about what has happened to the character in that time, it’s huge. The graphic novel has been the impetus for so much of what’s followed in the Batman universe that the exact same material released as a movie feels dated. The book recreated Gotham as a horribly corrupt town ran by gangsters with most of the police force on the take. It developed James Gordon to the status of a real human being, pretty much alone on the force as an honest cop. He also has a wife and a child on the way. He even has mixed feelings about Batman. Most importantly, he has flaws. Year One also gives us the notion that Bruce Wayne isn’t always a swell guy to be around. Even when he’s suited up, he might not always know what he’s doing. The two Christopher Nolan movies have given us all of this, even the first Tim Burton flick used some of the same, rendering this movie kind of pointless.

Battleship

Directed by Peter Berg.

2012. Rated PG-13, 131 minutes.
Cast:
Taylor Kitsch
Brooklyn Decker
Rihanna
Alexander Skarsgard

Tadanobu Asano
Hamish Linklater
John Tui
Liam Neeson
Jesse Plemons
Gregory D. Gadson

I played a lot of board games as a kid. Monopoly and Life were my favorites. I was never big into Battleship, but I had friends that were. I remember the commercials far better than the game itself. They always end when one kid incredulously exclaims “You sank my battleship!” Some version of that iconic scene playing out at the climactic moment is pretty much all I expected the film version. Even those modest hopes proved too lofty.

Toy company Hasbro owns the rights to the game and apparently aren’t too particular about any sort of faithfulness to its properties. As long as whatever is thrown up on the screen brings in goo-gobs of money, all is good. Who could blame them? After all, they also own the rights to Transformers. Whether you love or hate those movies, there is no denying they’re ridiculously successful at the box office.

This brings us back to Battleship, the movie. The game is one of naval strategy, your fleet against your buddy’s. The movie is about an intergalactic alien invasion just off the coast of Hawaii. Wait…what? Okay fine, I’ll roll with it. After finally finding a planet similar enough to Earth to sustain life we send out a signal in an effort to make contact. Never you mind that it’s travelling billions of miles yet appears to get there quicker than most cell phone calls. Just know that whoever is on the other end sends back a military scout team to set up their own communication with their boys back home and commence the takeover.

Before any of this, we meet Alex Hopper (Kitsch), a long-haired hothead with a penchant for trouble. He’s infatuated with Samantha (Decker), the blonde at the bar who very strongly resembles a swimsuit model. By the way, her dad happens to run the local Naval fleet. Fast forward a year or so and now Alex is a short-haired hothead Naval lieutenant who is in love with and dating the swimsuit model from the bar. Her dad still runs the fleet. Oh yeah, Alex might be a captain. Stupid movie has people calling him both. I’m sure this is a joke that I don’t get but that’s kind of a problem, no?

Anyhoo, you write the rest of the script. Make sure the aliens aren’t particularly bright and let an awful lot of obviously military people live after having shown the capacity to kill by the hundreds. Do this to spare our heroes for the sole purpose of making sure this thing stretches to over two hours. Keep your love story mostly centered around Alex being intimidated by his girlfriend’s father. Even though this guy is played by Liam Neeson, don’t use him for anything else. Shoehorn in a few references to the game, including a giant grid, of course. Add in a ton of jokes and one-liners. Pray at least a few of them are funny. In other words, make it exactly like Michael Bay’s Transformers movies, or any of his other movies, for that matter.

Imitating Bay is precisely what director Peter Berg does. However, Joe Q Public isn’t as much a cushion for Battleship to fall back on. Despite the game having been around since World War I, in some form or another, it has nowhere near the nostalgia factor going for it that Transformers does. Dots on a paper or blips on a grid are nowhere near as exciting as giant fighting robots. Besides that, I’m not sure anyone who has played the game could come up with enough of a storyline to justify a movie being made for it. Sadly, neither could the people actually involved in making it. Second, this doesn’t offer the spectacle of said robots transforming. The fact that none of aliens has as much as a personality renders this even more run of the mill. Think about it. We’ve seen scores of alien invasion flicks, but only three Transformers flicks. So far, that is. I hate to sound like I’m defending that franchise because I hate the last two movies it gave us. At least they give us something we’re not really getting anywhere else. Don’t get me wrong. If you’re looking for lots of stuff going boom, there is some enjoyment to be had here. It’s paced quickly enough and the aliens unleash some nasty weaponry. If you want anything deeper than that, move along. Nothing to see here.

MY SCORE: 4/10

Ranking the Batman Movies: #13

13. Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker

(2000)

Directed by Curt Geda

Future Batman/Terry McGinnis…Will Friedle

Bruce Wayne…Kevin Conroy

Young Robin…Matthew Valencia

Young Batgirl…Tara Strong

Barbara Gordon…Angie Harmon

The Joker…Mark Hamill

Harley Quinn…Arlenn Sorkin

Full disclosure: I’m not a big fan of Batman Beyond. For those unfamiliar, the TV series takes place well after Bruce Wayne has retired from crime fighting. In his stead, Terry McGinnis has taken over as Batman and wears a snazzier, sleeker suit while patrolling Gotham. In the movie, old Bruce is trying to help out the young punk because his old nemesis The Joker has apparently returned from the dead after 40 years. Attempting to figure if The Joker is really alive or if this is an imposter is interesting. However, in the end it all comes across a little bland to me. It doesn’t help that massive cuts were made to many of the action scenes due to sensitivity over the then recent Columbine High School Massacre and the amount of violent content in “children’s” programming. That’s not the main problem though. The real deal is I just don’t find the future Batman a compelling one.

Larry Crowne

Directed by Tom Hanks.

2011. Rated PG-13, 99 minutes.
Cast:
Tom Hanks
Julia Roberts
Cedric the Entertainer
Bryan Cranston
George Takei
Pam Grier
Taraji P. Henson
Gugu Mbatha-Raw
Wilmer Valderrama
Rob Riggle
Nia Vardalos

Our story starts with 50-something Larry Crowne (Hanks) losing his job at big-box store U-Mart. It’s an obvious downsizing move but he’s told that since he didn’t go to college he has virtually no chance for advancement within the company and it’s against policy to limit their employees in such a manner. That runs counter to what I’ve seen and experienced. Such people are a gold mine because they become experts at their jobs and the company has a built in excuse for not promoting them. This saves the company money since they don’t have to give that person a raise nor hire and train a new person to take their place, but I digress. With all of his newfound free time since he can’t find a job, Larry does indeed decide to go to college to keep this from happening to him in the future. Once there, he’s encouraged to take Speech 217 because it’s a life-changer. It doesn’t hurt that he’s given a huge hint that the instructor is hot. When he gets there, he agrees she’s hot. She is Mrs. Tainot (Roberts), pronounced Tay-no, she emphasizes. Note the Mrs. Prefix but understand her marriage sucks. We spend a good deal of time in her class.

Lest you go thinking Speech is his only class, we also spend lots of time with Larry in Econ 1, taught by Dr. Matsutani played by George Takei AKA Mr. Sulu. He pimps his book, laughs at his own jokes and confiscates Larry’s cell phone repeatedly. It’s an odd, somewhat creepy but still enjoyable performance. Before he gets to either class, Larry runs into Talia (Raw). She’s young, pretty and vibrant. She’s also capable of overrunning men in mere seconds, bringing to life the term “killing them with kindness.” Almost immediately after meeting Larry she changes everything about him: his wardrobe, his hair, the way his furniture is arranged, even his name. She insists upon calling him Lance because she thinks it fits him better. He’s so smitten, he lets it all happen. We’re told she has this effect on all men.

Most of the movie just trots by without much in the way of joy or pain. When I say trot, I should say prance because it is shamelessly bland. There are some exceptions, of course. We bristle, or at least I did, whenever Talia is busy recreating Larry. It’s like a horror movie with some happy-go-lucky psycho taking over your life. On the other hand, the scenes with Mr. (Cranston) and Mrs. Tainot are much more enjoyable. The story of their deteriorating marriage is an interesting subplot we’re tempted to try and separate from the rest of the movie. Their scenes are funny, melodramatic and infinitely more intriguing than anything else going on. It could possibly have made a nice dark comedy.

Alas, it is not to be. We’re stuck with Larry Crowne as is. It wants to have something deep to say about the economy but doesn’t. It wants to be an enthralling romantic comedy, but isn’t. Larry gets not one, but two “game-winning” moments that are anti-climactic to the point of being boring. Even the plucky neighbor routine is botched. Cedric the Entertainer and Taraji P. Henson play the happily married couple that lives next door to Larry and makes their living by having a yard sale every single day. Seriously. Ced is supposed to dispense sage advice and make us laugh as he haggles price on everything. Instead, he just says a lot and most of it is unfunny. As he’s running off at the mouth, Ms. Henson just hangs out in the background collecting a paycheck for doing nothing. Good for her, managing to get paid while participating in this mess as little as possible.

Ranking the Batman Movies: #14

14. The Batman vs. Dracula

(2005)

Directed by Michael Goguen

Batman…Rino Romano

Alfred…Alistair Duncan

Vicki Vale…Tara Strong

Dracula…Peter Stormare

The Penguin…Tom Kenny

The Joker…Kevin Michael Richardson

This time around, The Dark Knight takes on the real Prince of Darkness, Dracula. Things start normally enough by Gotham standards. The Joker and The Penguin bust out of Arkham Asylum in an effort to find a stash of loot somewhere in Gotham Cemetary. Bada-boom, bada-bing, Penguin manages to wake up Dracula who then tries to take over the city by creating an army of the undead. Admittedly, it is a bit odd seeing Bats take on a supernatural villain, but it’s well done. Also odd is seeing The Joker as someone else’s pawn. Speaking of The Joker, he’s part of the reason for this movie’s low ranking. I am not a fan of Kevin Michael Richardson’s voice-work as the Joker or the way the character is drawn. The overall effect is he’s much more brutish, lacking any of the character’s normal refinement. Finally, “vs. Dracula” is a little more graphic than I was expecting but it fits the plot since we are dealing with vampires here.

Hugo

Directed by Martin Scorsese.

2011. Rated PG, 128 minutes.
Cast:
Asa Butterfield
Ben Kingsley
Chloë Grace Moretz
Sacha Baron Cohen
Jude Law

Ray Winstone
Helen McCrory
Richard Griffiths
Frances de la Tour
Christopher Lee

Hugo (Butterfield) is a tween-aged boy who lives alone inside the giant clock at the train station. Sort of. He’s supposed to be living there with his uncle Claude (Winstone) who is responsible for keeping the clock wound. However, Claude is a drunk and hasn’t been seen in quite some time. Hugo’s dad was already a widower when he died leaving his son in the care of his not-so-responsible brother. So Hugo keeps the clock running all by himself. He also works feverishly to fix the automaton his father left him, a robot that supposedly writes. Hugo has never seen it work.

Much of our hero’s day is spent scavenging food and parts from the shops in the station while avoiding station cop Inspector Gustave (Cohen). His favorite target is the toy store owned by crotchety old Papa Georges (Kingsley). When Georges catches Hugo, he makes the lad work for him to pay for all the stuff he’s stolen. He also confiscates the kid’s notebook which looks like a manual for the automaton. In an effort to get his notebook back, Hugo recruits Isabelle (Moretz) who lives with Papa Georges and his wife because her own parents have passed away. The two embark on a book retrieving adventure.

Eventually, we find out Hugo isn’t at all about the notebook , the writing robot or even the title character. Like Super 8, which I’ve recently watched, Hugo is actually a movie about movies. In this case, it focuses on the earliest days of filmmaking and how magical moving pictures must have been to people who had never heard of such a thing. By extension, it’s also about when we in the contemporary audience first fell in love with movies ourselves. After all, even the most cynical of us has been awed by a film and transported wholly into its world at some point in our lives. Finally, it makes an eloquent point about the need to step up the effort to preserve old films. If the viewer misses all that stuff about movies and merely focuses on the surface of Hugo, they’ll still get an enjoyable film.

Hugo is also about the visuals. That’s not quite right, the visuals are there to enhance the feeling that watching a movie is akin to witnessing magic. They are an important part of the film. Each shot is beautifully framed and the fluid movement of the camera has the effect of sweeping us away into this world. Unfortunately, I’m ill-qualified to comment any further. My lack of technical expertise aside, it’s a movie designed to be a 3D experience that I watched in 2D on a not-so-wide screen. Though I’m not a huge fan of the medium I would like to see this as it is meant to be seen.

Even without the funny glasses, I still had a good time watching Hugo. The story is thoroughly sweet and touching. Admittedly, that’s not what I’m normally looking for out of my Scorcese, but he makes it engaging. Interestingly enough, my children didn’t enjoy it as much despite the two youthful protagonists. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you do need to understand a bit about the history of movies. After all, it is an adventure that leads not to a treasure of gold or something they deem tangible, but to an archive of silent films (I’m not spoiling anything). Maybe when I’m old and they’re making one of their obligatory visits I’ll force them to watch it with me just to see if they get it.

MY SCORE: 8/10

Ranking the Batman Movies: #15

15. Batman Forever

(1995)

Directed by Joel Schumacher

Batman…Val Kilmer

Robin…Chris O’Donnell

Alfred…Michael Gough

James Gordon…Pat Hingle

The Riddler…Jim Carrey

Two-Face…Tommy Lee Jones

Dr. Chase Meridian…Nicole Kidman

Well, whaddya know? We populate the bottom of the list with both Joel Schumacher movies. Anyone even vaguely familiar with the franchise probably knew this would be the case. This was the first of the JS flicks. He was hired to lighten up the series after the macabre adventure that was Tim Burton’s Batman Returns. The results are fairly bad. The tone is uneven: dark and brooding at some points, over the top campy at others. It makes little to no sense whatsoever. As The Riddler, Jim Carrey delivers a completely unhinged performance. It’s like watching Frank Gorshin on speed. That part isn’t so bad because we kind of expect that from him. What’s bizarre is watching Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face behave the same way. It didn’t seem to fit either him or the character. Robin is introduced, for I don’t know what reason. The pleasant surprise is that Val Kilmer wasn’t too bad as Batman.